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Scholarship question: How has performing arts effected my life? (493 words used)


t1292 11 / 21  
Jun 24, 2010   #1
I have never been to Broadway and if given right now I would fail a quiz on stage parts yet performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself , concentration skills for anything I do and a community of support.

All throughout middle and elementary school I was labeled the 'weird' girl. It seemed any time I tried to make friends I made more enemy's . So when I moved to a new area I thought I can survive a lot easier these next four years if I just stay quiet. So I walked into Blake high school with my new Ipod Nano and Diary and thought these will be my friends. In classes 1-4 I managed to keep to myself as I had planed but then 5th period came it was Mrs. Roots drama class I already knew this class would be different because there were no assigned seats; I of course sat alone away from what I saw as possible enemies. But as soon as Mrs. Roots walked in she directed us to form a circle to play the memory name game where everyone introduced themselves by saying there name and giving a key move. I was first since, I sat by the teacher, and as my teacher explained the directions about a billion idea's for what my move would be crossed my mind When the game started I said Jestina and clapped my hands once. As the circle went on and I saw some of the moves I thought of followed by the approval of the rest of the class I thought 'wow these kids are really different' and after one 45 minute class I realized that in this class it might just be ok to be Jestina S**. After a week I knew their names and each time we played the name game I got more and more comfortable with myself and did any move I could think of. When we started to watch plays and opera's not only was I not shy to share my opinion but there were kids that seemed quiet in other classes that always participated in drama. We began to sit together at Lunch give each other tips on how to excavate our characters better and ultimately they became a real supportive family. By the end of the year when we and several other high school went to performe Taming of The Shrew at The Verizon Center I was no longer shy or afraid and thou I did not land the part of Katherine as I had hoped I understood the importance of my part and ultimately the importance of myself.

Mrs. Roots drama class may have the next Cuba Gooding Jr. in it or the next Madonna or it may not. Regardless I'm sure I can speak for everyone in saying that performing arts gave us a feeling of importance an outlet for expression and just a whole lot of fun.

500 word limit

ershad193 14 / 337 5  
Jun 24, 2010   #2
... has given me the confidence

.... I made more enemies

... as I had planned ...

Three things

1) Your first sentence is too long.

2) Check your punctuation.

3) If the words "enemy's" and "idea's" are not typing mistakes, then learn the usage of the apostrophe (any dictionary or google will do).
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Jun 25, 2010   #3
Why not start your first sentence with a positive statement? (not negative i.e. never been..., fail a quiz) "Performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself , concentration skills for anything I do and a community of support." This is good! It succinctly answers the prompt. I was engaged reading about your initial drama class experience up to the year-end performance.

I was no longer shy or afraid. BREAK UP THE SENTENCE andthouAlthough I did not land the part of Katherine as I had hoped, I understood the importance of my part and ultimately the importance of myself.

This is a good closing paragraph. Link it back with what you said in the beginning (how performing arts affected your life: sharing your opinion and participating in drama was not only fun, but provided an outlet for expression which empowered you.)
Natalaaa1221 - / 3  
Jun 25, 2010   #4
I have never been to Broadway, and if given right now I would fail a quiz (awkard phrasing) on stage parts yet performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself , concentration skills for anything I do and a community of support.

All throughout middle and elementary school I was labeled the 'weird' girl <--double quotes on "wierd girl". It seemed any time I tried to make friends I made more enemies . So when I moved to a new area I thought I can survive (delete a lot) easier these next four years if I just stay quiet. So I walked into Blake high school (name of high school is Blake High School) with my new Ipod Nano and Diary (lower case diary) and thought these will be my friends. In classes 1-4 I managed to keep to myself as I had planed but then 5th period came it was Mrs. Roots drama class I already knew this class would be different because there were no assigned seats; I , of course, sat alone away from what I saw as possible enemies. But as soon as Mrs. Roots walked in she directed us to form a circle to play the memory name game where everyone introduced themselves by saying there name and giving a key move. I was first since, I sat by the teacher, and as my teacher explained the directions about a billion idea's for what my move would be crossed my mind When the game started I said Jestina and clapped my hands once. As the circle went on and I saw some of the moves I thought of followed by the approval of the rest of the class I thought 'wow these kids are really different' and after one 45 minute class I realized that in this class it might just be ok to be Jestina S**. After a week I knew their names and each time we played the name game I got more and more comfortable with myself and did any move I could think of. When we started to watch plays and operas, not only was I not shy to share (was more confident in sharing ) my opinion but there were kids that seemed quiet in other classes that always participated in drama. We began to sit together at lunch give each other tips on how to excavate our characters better and ultimately they became a real supportive family. By the end of the year when we and several other high school went to performe Taming of The Shrew at The Verizon Center I was no longer shy or afraid and thou I did not land the part of Katherine as I had hoped I understood the importance of my part and ultimately the importance of myself.

Mrs. Roots drama class may have the next Cuba Gooding Jr. in it or the next Madonna or it may not. Regardless I'm sure I can speak for everyone in saying that performing arts gave us a feeling of importance an outlet for expression and just a whole lot of fun.

Jestina,
As I read your essay , you seem to be a bit unassertive. Try to emphasize on your confidence when you overcame your challenge instead of your previous emotions in life. I cannot give you real corrections on this because it is an abstract idea that you can only achieve through correct mindset.

Wish you luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 25, 2010   #5
Excellent advice from Linmark, I was going to say that, too. The first sentence is very confusing.

I see some good corrections from ershad, too. Ershad, I think you are an excellent new participant here, thanks so much for all that you have been doing!

please check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

You could do this, Jestina:
I have never been to Broadway, and if a quiz on stage parts was given right now I would fail, yet performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself. I have built my concentration skills for anything I do, and I enjoy a community of support.

Okay, Jestina, you have lots of potential as a writer. I think you write like an actress, if that makes any sense at all.. as though you are reading your lines. I like your use of billion. Good word. BUT I think you should start this essay over.

Is that terrible to say?

I want you to think og 3 points you want to make to support your ONE MAIN MESSAGE for the whole essay. Make each paragraph about 4 or 5 sentences for 100 words (approximately), and WRITE 1 PRAGRAPH FOR EACH OF THE 3 POINTS YOU MAKE.

Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. Google this: topic sentence
One paragraph = one idea. I want to see this rewritten as 5 paragraphs with one intro, one conclusion, and 3 body paragraphs.

:-)
Moni09 3 / 4  
Jun 25, 2010   #6
I would not use as many I's in your essay, and also you do not want to start off with something negative. You want the first thing they learn about you to be positive, so they remember when admitting you.


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