aharari
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay #2 - Multicultural Experience (Moving to London) [5]
You made some good points! Thanks for the help!
You made some good points! Thanks for the help!
aharari
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]
No worries. When you look at a part of something, you can misinterpret things. Finishing it up and posting the whole thing might be a good idea.
No worries. When you look at a part of something, you can misinterpret things. Finishing it up and posting the whole thing might be a good idea.
aharari
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / An opportunity to bring any person (Johnny Depp) - NYU Common App [5]
The answer has less to do with the person being "good enough," but more of why you chose them, why you would take them to your special place, and what you would share. I could choose Hitler and explain that I would try and show him the good in humanity, and the need not to persecute people, and it would be fine.
Admissions are looking at more of your thought process and less about whom you choose. So if you decide to keep Mr. Depp, make sure you chose him for a good reason.
The answer has less to do with the person being "good enough," but more of why you chose them, why you would take them to your special place, and what you would share. I could choose Hitler and explain that I would try and show him the good in humanity, and the need not to persecute people, and it would be fine.
Admissions are looking at more of your thought process and less about whom you choose. So if you decide to keep Mr. Depp, make sure you chose him for a good reason.
aharari
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay #2 - Multicultural Experience (Moving to London) [5]
Thanks in advance for the help. I am looking to have my grammar/diction reviewed and just get some general thoughts.
Since I was young I have always wanted to travel. I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures that should be seen and experienced. My passion has driven me to open my mind to new experiences, challenged my perceptions and made me travel to places I would never have gone. Along my travels, I have had to learn that you have to step out of your comfort zone, open your mind and learn to integrate into your new social environment. Doing so will provide you with invaluable experiences during your travels and throughout life.
Moving to college was my first experience with living in an environment that consisted of people from many different cultural backgrounds. When I left for college, I never thought it would be the learning experience that it turned out to be. At first, I was not receptive to the different the customs of each individual and held stereotypical perceptions which led me to not integrate well. As I progressed through my first year, I learned that not integrating well. Seeing what was happening, I opened my mind to others cultural customs and removed perceptions I held, allowing me to better understand each person, become friends with them and gain their respect. Soon I found out why local customs where done and that many of my perceptions were wrong. I left college with many friends from different areas of the country and a new outlook on the world.
During 2009, I had the opportunity to further explore and experience the world and moved to London. Initially, I thought moving to London would allow me to integrate with minimal trouble since England is our "cousin." The same night that I arrived, I went to grab a quick burger for dinner. When I ordered, I was asked if I wanted salad and dressing with my burger. "No thanks, just the burger please" I replied to a server puzzled by my answer. Shortly after taking my first bite, I soon realized that salad and dressing meant lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles and ketchup. The server saw the surprised look on my face, had a little laugh and provided me with the condiments I wanted. It only took me one bite of a burger to realize that there would be some minor to major changes in living in working in London.
While living in a hostel and finding a place to live, I made a conscious decision to move into a house that was multicultural and consisted of likeminded people who were traveling abroad. I decided to move into a house with eleven other people from Australia, Bulgaria, England, France, Hungary, Japan and New Zealand. Each roommate took the time to get to know each other, share their cultures and experiences and allow each roommate to learn about one another but to integrate better in London and in a multicultural environment.
While living and exploring the city and culture with my new roommates, I also looked for and found a job. The hiring process and working environment is different from the U.S. several ways and I had to learn how to adapt. After applying to jobs with no response, a recruiter who specialized in hiring expatriates examined my resume and went over it with me. My current resume was not properly reflecting my educational and professional background allowing me to secure a job. When I started working, I also had to adapt to different work customs. By recognizing, realizing differences and adapting to them, my co-workers saw my dedication to learning and adapting to a new culture to fit in and function within it. By doing so, I was able to gain the trust and respect of my colleagues and we taught each other different strategies to accomplish common goals.
Living abroad proved to be the most invaluable experience in my life. Along the way I learned that there will always be bumps in the road when moving to a new environment where the culture, values and people are different from your own. By opening your mind and making the effort to learning about the local culture and people, indigenous people will see your efforts at integration and will help you fit in. As you progress and learn more, you also gain their trust and respect, allowing you to function better in your new environment. In return for your efforts, you receive an understanding of a different culture and experiences that will dramatically and forever change your views and open your eyes to the world.
Thanks in advance for the help. I am looking to have my grammar/diction reviewed and just get some general thoughts.
Moving to London
Since I was young I have always wanted to travel. I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures that should be seen and experienced. My passion has driven me to open my mind to new experiences, challenged my perceptions and made me travel to places I would never have gone. Along my travels, I have had to learn that you have to step out of your comfort zone, open your mind and learn to integrate into your new social environment. Doing so will provide you with invaluable experiences during your travels and throughout life.
Moving to college was my first experience with living in an environment that consisted of people from many different cultural backgrounds. When I left for college, I never thought it would be the learning experience that it turned out to be. At first, I was not receptive to the different the customs of each individual and held stereotypical perceptions which led me to not integrate well. As I progressed through my first year, I learned that not integrating well. Seeing what was happening, I opened my mind to others cultural customs and removed perceptions I held, allowing me to better understand each person, become friends with them and gain their respect. Soon I found out why local customs where done and that many of my perceptions were wrong. I left college with many friends from different areas of the country and a new outlook on the world.
During 2009, I had the opportunity to further explore and experience the world and moved to London. Initially, I thought moving to London would allow me to integrate with minimal trouble since England is our "cousin." The same night that I arrived, I went to grab a quick burger for dinner. When I ordered, I was asked if I wanted salad and dressing with my burger. "No thanks, just the burger please" I replied to a server puzzled by my answer. Shortly after taking my first bite, I soon realized that salad and dressing meant lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles and ketchup. The server saw the surprised look on my face, had a little laugh and provided me with the condiments I wanted. It only took me one bite of a burger to realize that there would be some minor to major changes in living in working in London.
While living in a hostel and finding a place to live, I made a conscious decision to move into a house that was multicultural and consisted of likeminded people who were traveling abroad. I decided to move into a house with eleven other people from Australia, Bulgaria, England, France, Hungary, Japan and New Zealand. Each roommate took the time to get to know each other, share their cultures and experiences and allow each roommate to learn about one another but to integrate better in London and in a multicultural environment.
While living and exploring the city and culture with my new roommates, I also looked for and found a job. The hiring process and working environment is different from the U.S. several ways and I had to learn how to adapt. After applying to jobs with no response, a recruiter who specialized in hiring expatriates examined my resume and went over it with me. My current resume was not properly reflecting my educational and professional background allowing me to secure a job. When I started working, I also had to adapt to different work customs. By recognizing, realizing differences and adapting to them, my co-workers saw my dedication to learning and adapting to a new culture to fit in and function within it. By doing so, I was able to gain the trust and respect of my colleagues and we taught each other different strategies to accomplish common goals.
Living abroad proved to be the most invaluable experience in my life. Along the way I learned that there will always be bumps in the road when moving to a new environment where the culture, values and people are different from your own. By opening your mind and making the effort to learning about the local culture and people, indigenous people will see your efforts at integration and will help you fit in. As you progress and learn more, you also gain their trust and respect, allowing you to function better in your new environment. In return for your efforts, you receive an understanding of a different culture and experiences that will dramatically and forever change your views and open your eyes to the world.
aharari
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]
Hi Dongho -
Its a great start to an essay and I see your passion. However, I do have a couple critics.
The prompt is asking how a goal or aspiration has been changed by the world around you. You seem to pick several goals: education, swimming, music and then back to education. Personally, I would just focus on you education goal, which is what your essay seems to be about.
Second, briefly discuss why its important to you, i.e. first family member to go to college or your dream to pursue a MD, JD, scientist, etc. Also stating that you went to a top rank school H.S. (didn't know they were ranked) seems a bit pretentious and might be setting you up for an attack by the admission people (i.e. if you went to a top ranked, then they would assume you would have really high testing scores etc.)
I guess my idea would end up with something along the lines of how people are independent in their aspiration, but are still a product of their environment. I aspired to be the first one in my family to get a degree, since I was a young boy, seeing the opportunities that were closed to my family. My family and community supported my dreams by pushing me harder to succeed in my goal, but my fellow students were the dominant driving force in my will to succeed.
Hope this helps a bit.
Hi Dongho -
Its a great start to an essay and I see your passion. However, I do have a couple critics.
The prompt is asking how a goal or aspiration has been changed by the world around you. You seem to pick several goals: education, swimming, music and then back to education. Personally, I would just focus on you education goal, which is what your essay seems to be about.
Second, briefly discuss why its important to you, i.e. first family member to go to college or your dream to pursue a MD, JD, scientist, etc. Also stating that you went to a top rank school H.S. (didn't know they were ranked) seems a bit pretentious and might be setting you up for an attack by the admission people (i.e. if you went to a top ranked, then they would assume you would have really high testing scores etc.)
I guess my idea would end up with something along the lines of how people are independent in their aspiration, but are still a product of their environment. I aspired to be the first one in my family to get a degree, since I was a young boy, seeing the opportunities that were closed to my family. My family and community supported my dreams by pushing me harder to succeed in my goal, but my fellow students were the dominant driving force in my will to succeed.
Hope this helps a bit.
aharari
Aug 6, 2010
Undergraduate / The recent sanctions at UoSC about football program [3]
Hi Steven -
I think your essay needs a lot of work to make into something great.
First, you need to break it up into paragraphs (Intro, a paragraph per argument and a conclusion).
Second, your essay is too vague. What is the essay topic (is the essay about USC's punishment, how the NCAA hands down punishments, or player ineligibility requirements)? Additionally, you need to inform the reader of what happened with regards to the violation and the punishment
Third, you sound too biased in your arguments. Again you need to break each argument into an individual paragraph. State what happened, the reasoning for the violation and then support for why you think it was wrong.
I think giving it more structure and elaborating on your points will make your argument, and the essay, stronger.
Hi Steven -
I think your essay needs a lot of work to make into something great.
First, you need to break it up into paragraphs (Intro, a paragraph per argument and a conclusion).
Second, your essay is too vague. What is the essay topic (is the essay about USC's punishment, how the NCAA hands down punishments, or player ineligibility requirements)? Additionally, you need to inform the reader of what happened with regards to the violation and the punishment
Third, you sound too biased in your arguments. Again you need to break each argument into an individual paragraph. State what happened, the reasoning for the violation and then support for why you think it was wrong.
I think giving it more structure and elaborating on your points will make your argument, and the essay, stronger.
aharari
Aug 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "to peruse my passions and help others" - Peace Corp - Why join the Peace Corps [2]
I am looking for some feedback and grammar/diction correct for my essay. Bleow is the topic and my response. Thank you for your help!
Throughout life, doors of opportunities open and close providing an infinite number of possibilities for life's journey. Embracing each opportunity allows an individual to blaze a pathway that will allow for a fulfilling and enriching journey through life. Joining the Peace Corps will be my opportunity to improve the world while inspiring others and the ability to travel and immerse myself in different cultures , expand my understanding of the world.
Growing up, I was instilled with the idea that each person should leave the world better then they found it. I have carried these values with me along my journey in life. During my youth I was active in the Boy Scouts, which provided me with the opportunity to travel and explore the outdoors, while instilling the human element. I was taught that people are here to help other people, and that we all have the ability to give back to the each other in our own way, while inspiring others to do the same.
During my tenure in Scouts, I participated in many activities that improved our community. Some activities help an individual, such as doing household maintenance for physically handicapped individuals, and other activities benefited the community, such as building trails, sidewalks and benches so the local parks could be enjoyed. Each activity had its own benefit, while inspiring others in our community to do things they would not have done before.
However, providing inspiration and the opportunity for people dream, is just as important to any community. This idea was the backbone of Eagle Scout project. In local area schools, many students didn't speak English as a first language. I went to an under privileged school and talked to the teachers to gain an understanding of what they needed. All the teachers wanted to focus on reading for their students and start a classroom library that would make reading exciting while building skills. Each teacher provided me with a wish list for what they needed. From this list, I built bookcases, cubbies and other items for them and donated the remaining money from my project to buy books. Providing the opportunity to teach someone to read and removing the barrier for them to dream big was the biggest reward for my efforts.
I carried my commitment to community throughout. While I was at college, I was provided the opportunity to be the President of our local chapter, which allowing me to lead my fraternity in community service, from charity drives for Alzheimer's and Pediatric AIDS, to cleaning up local parks. After college I continued my community service, from donating to various charities to participating at the local food shelter. It is my goal to improve the world around me which drives my volunteerism.
The world is a big place and I want to experience all of it. This is my other passion in life, traveling and experiencing other cultures. Living in Washington DC, I was able to interact with many individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds. Looking to see the world, I seized and opportunity and moved to London in 2009. While living in London, I was able to learn about a new part of the world and its culture all while meeting many different people from numerous countries. My experiences there are invaluable, having opened my eyes to the world and all of its different people and cultures.
Joining the Peace Corps will be my opportunity to peruse my passions, while allowing me to use my skills to help others. Each opportunity in life provides its own set of challenges. Whenever interacting with a new group of people and culture, it can be difficult at first. However, I have confidence in my ability to understand and function in their culture, while gaining their acceptance. I look forward to the new experiences I will encounter and will overcome any challenges that come my way. The Peace Corps is a door to an opportunity that will make my life fuller and richer.
I am looking for some feedback and grammar/diction correct for my essay. Bleow is the topic and my response. Thank you for your help!
Throughout life, doors of opportunities open and close providing an infinite number of possibilities for life's journey. Embracing each opportunity allows an individual to blaze a pathway that will allow for a fulfilling and enriching journey through life. Joining the Peace Corps will be my opportunity to improve the world while inspiring others and the ability to travel and immerse myself in different cultures , expand my understanding of the world.
Growing up, I was instilled with the idea that each person should leave the world better then they found it. I have carried these values with me along my journey in life. During my youth I was active in the Boy Scouts, which provided me with the opportunity to travel and explore the outdoors, while instilling the human element. I was taught that people are here to help other people, and that we all have the ability to give back to the each other in our own way, while inspiring others to do the same.
During my tenure in Scouts, I participated in many activities that improved our community. Some activities help an individual, such as doing household maintenance for physically handicapped individuals, and other activities benefited the community, such as building trails, sidewalks and benches so the local parks could be enjoyed. Each activity had its own benefit, while inspiring others in our community to do things they would not have done before.
However, providing inspiration and the opportunity for people dream, is just as important to any community. This idea was the backbone of Eagle Scout project. In local area schools, many students didn't speak English as a first language. I went to an under privileged school and talked to the teachers to gain an understanding of what they needed. All the teachers wanted to focus on reading for their students and start a classroom library that would make reading exciting while building skills. Each teacher provided me with a wish list for what they needed. From this list, I built bookcases, cubbies and other items for them and donated the remaining money from my project to buy books. Providing the opportunity to teach someone to read and removing the barrier for them to dream big was the biggest reward for my efforts.
I carried my commitment to community throughout. While I was at college, I was provided the opportunity to be the President of our local chapter, which allowing me to lead my fraternity in community service, from charity drives for Alzheimer's and Pediatric AIDS, to cleaning up local parks. After college I continued my community service, from donating to various charities to participating at the local food shelter. It is my goal to improve the world around me which drives my volunteerism.
The world is a big place and I want to experience all of it. This is my other passion in life, traveling and experiencing other cultures. Living in Washington DC, I was able to interact with many individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds. Looking to see the world, I seized and opportunity and moved to London in 2009. While living in London, I was able to learn about a new part of the world and its culture all while meeting many different people from numerous countries. My experiences there are invaluable, having opened my eyes to the world and all of its different people and cultures.
Joining the Peace Corps will be my opportunity to peruse my passions, while allowing me to use my skills to help others. Each opportunity in life provides its own set of challenges. Whenever interacting with a new group of people and culture, it can be difficult at first. However, I have confidence in my ability to understand and function in their culture, while gaining their acceptance. I look forward to the new experiences I will encounter and will overcome any challenges that come my way. The Peace Corps is a door to an opportunity that will make my life fuller and richer.
