The recent sanctions levied upon the University of Southern California's football program by the oft-ridiculed NCAA are far too severe, completely nonsensical, and supremely hypocritical. The alleged evidence isn't strong enough to support sanctions the magnitude of which the program received. The punishment for the alleged wrongdoings, which were manufactured by two individuals, neither of whom had any ties to the university, is extremely nonsensical. The NCAA, which clings to the archaic idea of a "student-athlete", scoffs at the idea of an agent lending money to a superstar football player, but relishes the opportunity to make beaucoup money off the hard-working athletes who do far more in regards to the amount of money accrued than the imbecilic geriatrics in Indianapolis. It's far past time for the major players in college athletics to either leave the NCAA or construct a system in which the athletes receive commensurate compensation.
Hi Steven -
I think your essay needs a lot of work to make into something great.
First, you need to break it up into paragraphs (Intro, a paragraph per argument and a conclusion).
Second, your essay is too vague. What is the essay topic (is the essay about USC's punishment, how the NCAA hands down punishments, or player ineligibility requirements)? Additionally, you need to inform the reader of what happened with regards to the violation and the punishment
Third, you sound too biased in your arguments. Again you need to break each argument into an individual paragraph. State what happened, the reasoning for the violation and then support for why you think it was wrong.
I think giving it more structure and elaborating on your points will make your argument, and the essay, stronger.
I'd get rid of extremely
...is extremely nonsensical.
Maybe you should give a short sentence at the start to say what this refers to, even if it would be obvious to the reader. Just one sentence of introduction. Maybe that is not feasible, though.
Anyway, this is very good writing! It is such an interesting and bold style. It really conveys your anger. I don't know what the issue is that this refers to, but it is a good example of inspired writing. And you have some complex sentences that most people would write incorrectly, but you wrote them perfectly.
