Posts by williams11743

williams11743

Sep 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "Christmas time seaon" - UF eassy- how family rough time has shaped me.. [5]

Your second and third sentences start with the exact same three words... "I used to."
You might try reworking the sentence structure a bit or rewording the phrasing on one or the other so as to not become redundant.
Maybe change one of them to, "I would..."

If you take the first to words from every sentence and look at them in order, there should never be sentences in a row that begin with the same few words. It helps add variety to your paper and keeps it from getting monotonous.

Personally, I might stay away from using semicolons, but that is more my personal preference.

Other than that, keep up the good work. That's a great start.

williams11743

Aug 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "Marching band was a savior" - University of Florida Freshman Admission Essay [3]

Nice solid essay. Its a great start.

"The five minute performance ends swiftly in a blur." This seems a little redundant to me. Maybe try "The five minute performance ends in a blur."

...commence marching off the field, I allow my mind to wander . To me it makes more sense this way.

Keep up the good work!

williams11743

Aug 20, 2010

Undergraduate / Air Force Academy Interest Admissions Essay [3]

1. When did you first become interested in the Air Force Academy and serving in the Air Force? What started your interest? What Air Force career field do you hope to enter? What do you expect to gain from the Air Force Academy experience and how will it help you in your Air Force career? (250 to 300 words, 3000 characters max)

This is VERY rough. I haven't had the chance to edit it very much yet.

As a young boy, I spent many long hours imagining I was off on some medieval adventure fighting dragons and fierce enemy knights. While I have grown out of the habit of pretending, I have never lost my desire to fight for the ones I love and demonstrate bravery and courage. Ultimately, it was that desire that first sparked my interest in the military.

The military has been in the back of my mind as a career choice for years. Recently however, it has taken an increased presence in the foreground of my mind. During my sophomore year, one of my biggest role models applied for both the United States Naval and Air Force Academies. He ended up being accepted to both, but chose to attend the Naval Academy. I began to follow in his footsteps and ultimately decided that I would like to attend the Air Force Academy due to my interest in flying. I toured the Academy last spring, and the visit affirmed my decision. Never have I felt such a strong sense of belonging.

I hope to graduate from the Academy and move on to become a pilot. Even if I am not accepted into the Academy, I still plan on attending college, participating in the AFROTC, and applying for pilot school afterward. However, I still believe that the Academy would provide me with the best tools to become an Air Force officer of honor. I anticipate that the Academy will be the most difficult four years of my life, but also the best four. The leadership, selflessness, and integrity taught at the Academy cannot be substituted by any other values taught at any other institution.