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Posts by kcybug
Joined: Aug 21, 2010
Last Post: Nov 26, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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kcybug   
Nov 26, 2010
Scholarship / "Not only politicians, but also business people" - Leadership Characteristics [3]

Hi, this is my "personal statement" for a Scholarship Application. Feedback would be appreciated :)
Please describe in 350 words or less the most important characteristics of a great leader and explain why such characteristics lead to effective leadership. (350 word limit)

Leadership is a quality that few possess and many strive for. From Winston Churchill to Sojourner Truth, select men and women from around the world have demonstrated their prowess for guiding those around them. Unique attributes such as courage and perseverance among other things, are what make them worthy to lead in the eyes of their followers and set them apart from the rest of the world.

When governing a particular group of people, whether it's a nation or a corporation, one must be able to act as a voice for those they represent and fight for their best interest because after all, leadership is not about the individual but the wants and demands of the people. A leader must therefore appeal to the public and be charismatic as well as relatable in order to gain support and secure the role. As evidenced by past events such as Pearl Harbor and various revolutions around the world, the role of leader is not one without hardship and trying decisions. President Roosevelt did not shy away from declaring war against Japan after Pearl Harbor. Instead, he boldly addressed the nation regarding the offense, prepared the nation for war and proposed the declaration to Congress. Roosevelt not only showed courage in a time of turmoil but remained a just representation of the people as well.

These traits apply not only to politicians, but other types of leaders as well, such as CEO, Steve Jobs. Apple's Steve Jobs adds another element to the mix, innovation. What makes him a competent leader of the Apple Company is his ever-changing improvement to his widely distributed products, effectively simplifying the lives of millions. As a leader, it is necessary to provide one's followers with a continuous influx of new ideas. Not only does Jobs contribute to the progress of modern technology but he is also an inspiration to many of his followers, whether they are Apple Company enthusiasts or one of his many employees.

The required attributes of a leader may vary depending on the population in question, but the basic necessities include courage, charisma, perseverance, competence, and innovation.
kcybug   
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Rocketdog and the importance of being present - Person of Importance [3]

I really enjoyed your essay. I love the subject and the commitment is clearly very strong. Some things I think could be fixed is simply word choice, like your use of "present". Although it may seem better to say being present rather than being there, in context it may be seen as trying too hard to incorporate big words. Perhaps you could vary the phrase a bit but it's not all about the big words. I think it would be better to just say "be there for them" rather than present to avoid confusion.

And one small thing: "He was so calm and relaxed that I decided to push him, letting the clock tick past sixty seconds, on to ninety" "on to" should be one word, "onto".
kcybug   
Sep 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [7]

@freezard: Thanks for the feedback :) I've taken your opinions into consideration and I appreciate your opinion on the Since/Because issue. I think I'll toy with that. &Sorry about the prompt, I forgot; but yes we do have to relate back to our college experience.

@Kevin: Thank you! It's comforting hearing that from someone's who's reviewed so many essays. Writing has never really been my forte but I guess having something to write about really helps. I made a few minor corrections and additions. Could you tell me if the alterations are alright? Particularly the last two sentences and the sentence following the quote.
kcybug   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [7]

This is my semi-rough draft. I made notes about what I need to correct in brackets. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thank you :)

Johann Friedrich Von Schiller once said, "It is not flesh and blood, but the heart which makes us fathers and sons." It was centuries ago that this statement was said. But to me, it never rang truer than the day I learned of my parents' secret.

My name had always been a source of confusion. Ever since grammar school, my name fluctuated from Katie Young to Yixuan Ma and countless variations in between. My parents always claimed that it was a discrepancy on the government's part; that somehow, my name had been mixed up in the move from China to the US. It wasn't until eighth grade that I began to understand the true origin of my aliases.

Since legal documents declared my name to be Katie Yixuan, the school system did as well, thus creating the hassle of explaining to my teachers and fellow classmates the government's silly discrepancy: Yixuan was my Chinese name and my American name was Katie Young. Government officials had simply mixed up the two names in the process of moving. To escape the clarifications, my parents and I set out to the Florida Department of Immigration. Once in the office, we sat patiently as the man looking through our file validated some basic information, "So, you folks moved from China?", "You're here to inquire about changing her legal name?" Pointing to my mother he asks, "You're the mother?" After a swift affirmation he moved on, pausing ever so slightly. "So...You're not her biological father." I heard the words. I replayed them. But no matter which way I toyed with the phrase, I couldn't seem to make sense of it. Just moments after the indecipherable phrase was uttered, I was rushed out the door, hastily informed that this was "grown-up business". I sat in the lobby trying to understand what he meant, why my parents rushed me out the door, convinced that there must be some mistake. Of course he was my biological father. He raised me for as long as I could remember. Then realization hit. My father was clearly Caucasian. He had fair skin and hazel eyes and I...had only Chinese characteristics. It was only then that I interpreted what the vast difference in our appearances really meant.

After the incident, I pretended to believe my parent's explanation that the man had made a mistake; that the government had made yet another mistake. At first, I wasn't sure why I initially kept quiet, but then I realized that it didn't really matter. As far as I'm concerned, he is my biological father. I've never known any other and I couldn't imagine that anyone else could've done a better job. We didn't need to be blood-related to share that father-daughter bond. The experience taught me that one need not be blood-related, from the same place, or share any particular criteria in order to have a personal connection with others. I believe it will serve us well during a time when we, as undergraduates, prepare to leave our friends, family and the familiar.
kcybug   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "an Interact Club" - University of Florida Essay! [4]

I believe the prompt required the essay to be 400-500 words in length. I like the subject you chose but I do think it could use a bit of work. Here are some corrections I've made.

"If we open up our school to an Interact Club, we can open up many more doors for these students and for people in our community and around the world." As I walked into my Advanced Placement English class on the first day of my Junior year of high school, this sentence is what my teacher had said to me. This simple sentence began to change my high school experience for the better. My English teacher's idea was to start an Interact Club at my high school and she wanted me to help her with this goal. She explained to me that an Interact Club is an organization in which the club participates in programs and events that benefit the community and other organizations. I was very interested in helping my community and so I agreed to take on the challenge of starting this club and getting my fellow peers involved in it. Growing up, the quote I heard the most was "Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I lived by this quote formy Junior year and never gave up on my goal at making this Interact Club the best one my high school and the community has ever seen.

I was an officer for this club and helping to create it had opened my eyes to new opportunities to better the people around me and to better myself. Throughout my Junior year I participated in a Thanksgiving food drive which raised food for families who could not afford a Thanksgiving meal, Relay for Life which raised money for people struggling with Cancer as well as but not limited to a dodge ball tournament which helped fight a multitude of diseases and a bowl-a-thon. I became very committed to this organization and in helping the others around me. Participating in these charitable events, I began to grow as an individual and I now realize that I can accomplish any task, whether big or small, as long as I set my mind to it.
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