"What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event)

This is my semi-rough draft. I made notes about what I need to correct in brackets. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thank you :)

Johann Friedrich Von Schiller once said, "It is not flesh and blood, but the heart which makes us fathers and sons." It was centuries ago that this statement was said. But to me, it never rang truer than the day I learned of my parents' secret.

My name had always been a source of confusion. Ever since grammar school, my name fluctuated from Katie Young to Yixuan Ma and countless variations in between. My parents always claimed that it was a discrepancy on the government's part; that somehow, my name had been mixed up in the move from China to the US. It wasn't until eighth grade that I began to understand the true origin of my aliases.

Since legal documents declared my name to be Katie Yixuan, the school system did as well, thus creating the hassle of explaining to my teachers and fellow classmates the government's silly discrepancy: Yixuan was my Chinese name and my American name was Katie Young. Government officials had simply mixed up the two names in the process of moving. To escape the clarifications, my parents and I set out to the Florida Department of Immigration. Once in the office, we sat patiently as the man looking through our file validated some basic information, "So, you folks moved from China?", "You're here to inquire about changing her legal name?" Pointing to my mother he asks, "You're the mother?" After a swift affirmation he moved on, pausing ever so slightly. "So...You're not her biological father." I heard the words. I replayed them. But no matter which way I toyed with the phrase, I couldn't seem to make sense of it. Just moments after the indecipherable phrase was uttered, I was rushed out the door, hastily informed that this was "grown-up business". I sat in the lobby trying to understand what he meant, why my parents rushed me out the door, convinced that there must be some mistake. Of course he was my biological father. He raised me for as long as I could remember. Then realization hit. My father was clearly Caucasian. He had fair skin and hazel eyes and I...had only Chinese characteristics. It was only then that I interpreted what the vast difference in our appearances really meant.

After the incident, I pretended to believe my parent's explanation that the man had made a mistake; that the government had made yet another mistake. At first, I wasn't sure why I initially kept quiet, but then I realized that it didn't really matter. As far as I'm concerned, he is my biological father. I've never known any other and I couldn't imagine that anyone else could've done a better job. We didn't need to be blood-related to share that father-daughter bond. The experience taught me that one need not be blood-related, from the same place, or share any particular criteria in order to have a personal connection with others. I believe it will serve us well during a time when we, as undergraduates, prepare to leave our friends, family and the familiar.

"Because legal documents declared my name to be Katie...." I wouldn't suggest starting a sentence with because. I've learned that every year from my english teachers and im in college level classes, but i could be wrong. But just to be sure, I would change it.

Yeah, I had "Since" first, but then my friend said that wasn't strong enough..or something like that. I'll change it back. Thanks though.

I think this better incorporates your real legal :] name into the sentence.


The second phrase is a fragment. You could combine it with the first one:
"My parents told me that the government had mixed up my name when we moved from China to the US."


I hear many people say this, but I don't understand why it's "wrong." Its grammatically correct and, when used correctly, can yield powerful sentences... But if you insist:



Hmm... I'm not quite sure when you say "to escape clarifications" ... Are you saying "to escape the hassle of explaining the origin of your legal name"? I'm sorry.. :] This sentence isn't clear.


You can simply combine the two quotes.


Now this I advise against: Don't start your sentences with "but". If you really need a contrast, you should use "however" or "nevertheless." In this case, I don't think you need that contrast.


I think splitting up that sentence like this will make it flow smoothly.


Wow. :) Nice job startling the reader with that surprising fact.


You might want to explicitly state what those characteristics are. The reader might not know what you are exactly saying by "Chinese characteristics." I'm Korean (Ok. Not exactly Chinese) and I don't know what you mean by that.


I think you are doing alright with this. You can improve though. You can continue and explain what those differences mean.
In the paragraph after, you do a nice job explaining how you managed the shocking information and the "moral" you learned.


What do you mean by the italic phrase? Besides the confusion, I think this will be a great concluding sentence for the previous sentence.


I don't think every essay has to relate to the college experience. Just as long as you adequately explain the experience's influence on you, you should be fine. Unless, of course, the prompt (which I just realized you haven't supplied) tells you to specifically do so.

Hey, I think your essay is already profound and convincing. You don't need anyone to change your writing; how can you not know it is one of your talents? The feedback broadens our perspective, or gives us multiple perspectives, but you are a real writer.

This reminds me of a poem: Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but somehow miraculously my own.

The important part is to work on how it will influence your college experience and by extention your career and life's work. You understand parent-child issues in a way that other people can't unless they have had your experience. I bet you have some cherished insights.

@freezard: Thanks for the feedback :) I've taken your opinions into consideration and I appreciate your opinion on the Since/Because issue. I think I'll toy with that. &Sorry about the prompt, I forgot; but yes we do have to relate back to our college experience.

@Kevin: Thank you! It's comforting hearing that from someone's who's reviewed so many essays. Writing has never really been my forte but I guess having something to write about really helps. I made a few minor corrections and additions. Could you tell me if the alterations are alright? Particularly the last two sentences and the sentence following the quote.

I just noticed how much I like this sentence. This is a clever one...

"So...y ou're not her biological father."

If "never let on" is not quite right, keep the change you made here. It is a good sentence: After the incident, I pretended...

This is great, and really I think a lot of people will benefit from reading it. Millions of people have some emotional turmoil because of having to learn that a parent is not actually a biological parent. It is nice when a piece of art like this helps them to see that it is a common experience and that it is okay to not be biologically related. We are all dust of the earth, anyway.