Writing Feedback / Essay- Fatigue (after a full marathon) [8]

Hey I am new here, and I'd like to improve on my writing skills.
I hope you guys can critique my essay. Thank you! :D

Title: Fatigue

Fatigue. It shouldn't have hit me this time, this is the most crucial part of it all. This was the last stretch of the entire route. My determination was empowering, engulfing the last piece of thought in my head. My head was calm, yet exhaustion was surging up from my legs. My legs had not stopped taking wide strides and pulling itself back. Like an automated machine, since the dawn of the day. My breathing was hard, but constant.

I was running through the dense forest, with less defined path under my foot, having to worry if I was still on track. Yet, I sprinted on the interminable forest. I was afraid that the pursuer would get to me soon.

Suddenly, the Sun was fully blanketed by the overhead sheet of greenery. What that was left for me was the tiny shots of light that managed to cram through the small gaps between the leaves, to reach to the undergrowth. I glanced around my surroundings to see the menacing trees, they all looked like they held daggers behind their backs. The hostility of the forest sent shivers down my spine, I was even more determined to get out of here. My breathing became shorter, but my pace was still the same, despite the weariness that was fighting to beat my determination.

Out of the blue, a shrill scream sliced through the silence of the forest. I took a panicked, large leap, thereby tiring myself. My heart was shocked by the sudden action, that it was pumping so much faster. My breathing started becoming inconsistent, I felt the enervation of my legs. I stumbled on my foot, almost falling over. Clearly, I had forgotten that monkeys inhabited the forest.

Then, I heard it, what I feared the most. It had to reach me when I was most vulnerable, when tiredness was starting to take control. I heard footsteps from behind me. My pursuers would arrive, but I would not give up.

Chains seemed to hug ankles as lactic acid built up in my thigh muscle, I struggled to stretch my legs forward. My entire concentration was on battling the lethargy, my greatest antagonist. Meanwhile, the footsteps got louder and closer. He was accelerating, getting faster and closer.

What were my chances? If only this would end right after this turn.

My body twisted at an angle to make a swift turn which I barely managed. The forest fell open with a surge of blinding ray. I saw a line, the line. I took a few determined steps, as I felt the presence of my opponent right behind me. I stepped on a rock that rolled out of my footing, I fell forward. Almost flew. Then, fatigue had overwhelmed me. I could no longer move. I was left sprawling on the scorching earth.

I heaved really shortly. Darkness descended, my head was spinning. Every detail of the moment was so prominent. My throat was so dry. My legs were so numb. My heart was hurting so bad. The gasps around me were so lame. He was inching closer, he dashed passed me. Finally, I heard the emcee,"The winner of the race has emerged.." The rest was unheard as I fell into a coma.

The next time I woke up, I found a strap hung around my neck, hooked to it was a gold medal. I had won the 42.195 kilometers, full marathon.

567words