Undergraduate / "Meeting different, diverse people" - Columbia Supplement Essay [5]

Hi all,

This is my essay response to the Columbia Supplement. I would really appreciate it if I could get some feedback on my writing, as well as any grammar mistakes that might be there.

Prompt: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (1500 character limit)

The first thing I noticed when I stepped onto the streets of Manhattan this past August was the multitude of languages spoken by those who walked by. Within five minutes, I heard two men speaking French, a family talking in Spanish, and even a woman on her cell phone mumbling in an unidentifiable language. I felt I had been thrust into a diverse microcosm of cultures that existed in harmony with one another, a city reflecting the multiplicity of the cultures of the world. Upon entering the small 32-acre Morningside Heights campus, I was initially surprised by the quaintness, a sharp contrast from the bustle outside. The school seems well sheltered from the city, with two iron-gate entrances built directly across campus from one another and buildings that enfold the university; an ideal atmosphere for learning in the otherwise excitingly sundry environment of Manhattan. At the same time, such an enclosed area by no means takes away the experience of living in one of the most ethnically rich areas in the world; as well as providing ready access to the city just outside, Columbia also affirms in its mission statement that it "seeks to attract a diverse and international faculty and student body." For me, attending Columbia and living in such a setting would be an incredible prospect; I would have the opportunity to connect with and learn from people of different backgrounds through Columbia's defining Core Curriculum, and also find virtues that we, as people, all share.

Thanks,
Natalie

Undergraduate / "Music is a central part in my life" - Common App - Elaborate on Extra Curricular [3]

Hi Everyone,

This is my response for the short answer part of the writing section for the Common App. I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me feedback on both the overall focus of the essay as well as the grammar aspects.

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

Ever since the second grade, music has been a major part of my life. As a violinist, I have learned the rewards of strict self-discipline. The routines professional violinists follows, such as practicing daily and studying different interpretations of a composition, have taught me that perseverance will yield progress, even though I may be unable to detect improvement; my involvement with the Greater Buffalo Youth Orchestra is the catalyst that helped me realize this. The GBYO has been an integral part of my life since ninth grade, not only because of the dedication required, but also because the orchestra has given me the opportunity to perform with, learn from, and form strong friendships with talented musicians who have gone on to major conservatories; the orchestra and my colleagues have trained me to always work sedulously, a skill that I have applied to music and other aspects of life.

(Word count: 148)

Thanks!
Natalie

Undergraduate / "My experience with a multicultural background" - Common App Essay, feedback? [7]

Hi all,

This is the essay I wrote for the Common App. I'm applying to Columbia via early decision, and I would really appreciate it if I could get some helpful feedback. Here's the prompt and essay:

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

My mother watched as I waved my hand over a pile of yellow flesh peaches in an outdoor display at the local farmer's market. Small black specks whizzed lazily away from the peaches, settling on top of the fruits just seconds later.

"Mom, these flies are everywhere."
"We'll go look inside. There won't be any flies."
Wheeling the shopping cart through the door, I scanned the store for peaches. "There!"
We pushed the cart toward a sign I had spotted. "White Lady Peaches: $1.50 per lbs."
My mother immediately recognized the fruits. "Oh! White peaches! These are like the peaches from China. Very sweet! Much better than the yellow ones."

And so, that evening, our refrigerator was filled with "White Lady Peaches" because they were "just like the peaches from China".

Just like China. It is a phrase that my parents, first-generation immigrants, have uttered countless times; it is essentially our family motto. Since I was young, my parents considered anything "just like China" excellent. When we went on vacation, my parents would zealously search for restaurants that served food most closely resembling genuine Chinese cuisine, often to the point where I would become irritated by the constant stream of oriental restaurants and angrily reprimand my parents for their lack of originality. According to my parents, there were very few good non-Chinese restaurants. Even on a recent vacation to New York City, my parents, infatuated with the heavily populated and culturally lively city, repeated themselves over and over: "New York is just like Shanghai."

Every other summer since I was eight, my family and I traveled to China to visit family and friends. Despite finding my parents' "just like China" mantra tiring, I loved these month-long trips, mostly because we visited relatives that we had not seen in years. Even so, a month is a long time; I typically began to feel homesick during the final week of our stay. I missed spending time with my friends, living with central air conditioning, and traveling by car. There was one visit in particular when I felt even more homesick than previous trips; I was annoyed with the constant pushing of crowds in the street, the unruly lines to get on buses, and the almost tropical humidity. Above all, I was tired of eating the food. A week of genuine Chinese cuisine is fine, even delightful; however, I could not take an entire month of deep-fried dough for breakfast. In the last few days of that trip, my father's colleague took us to a high-class restaurant. Just next door, I spotted a McDonald's.

"I want McDonald's tonight."
"Why? The restaurant's so nice."
"No, I want McDonald's."
I did not realize how rude I was until I placed my brown take-out bag on the dinner table. Our hostess, Dr. He, was good-natured about my preference for junk food; still, I felt guilty and embarrassed as the waiters brought us plate after plate of Beijing specialties. However, the most humbling aspect of the situation was how similar my actions were to my parents' behavior in America. For me, my choice of McDonald's over dumplings was a significant insight. I realized that I was searching for America in China; that, like my parents, I was searching for a reminder of home in a foreign place.

I will always consider America my home, yet I still have deep connections to my Chinese roots; I spent the first two years of my life with my grandparents in Renshou, a smaller town in China, and the next three years in America with them in a traditional Chinese household. I will not deny that I am confused by the integration of two very different cultures in my life. I believe, however, that perplexing matters are all part of the growing process. The issues that may puzzle me today will, I hope, become clear in the coming years as I enter college and encounter new experiences. Even now, the frustrations I felt when I was younger are fading. I have begun to realize that my multicultural background is an integral part of who I am, an asset that I have begun to take pride in.

(Word Count: 695)

I think the essay is a bit too long, so if I could also get some opinions on what to take out that would be great.

Thanks,
Natalie