Posts by dmanguru

dmanguru

Oct 17, 2010

Undergraduate / Essay on "Overcoming an obstacle" and "Qualities that make me an Asset to UCF" [8]

Thanks again for all the feedback! And yeah I did notice that I was trying a little to hard to exhibit my vocabulary in certain parts of the essay. I tend to do that sometimes, it's one of the obstacles I'm going to have to work at.

dmanguru

Oct 17, 2010

Undergraduate / "I am an anticarcinogen" - MIT undergrad [14]

Personally I enjoyed your essay and it's unconventional style. But is just that style that may harm your essay's reception. Taking a purely subjective take on the subject, the admissions official might love it for it's contrast to the traditional sophisticated and articulate writing that they get mountains of. On the other hand they may feel the humor inappropriate in relation to the standards of MIT. Since you have no way of truly knowing, I think your best bet is to look up accepted essays from previous years and see if anyone took the unconventional approach like you did. If you can't find any similar examples then I would strongly consider making your essay more erudite.

dmanguru

Oct 11, 2010

Undergraduate / "About My uncle and how he achieved his status" -Common Appp Essay Negative Influence [7]

This was a pretty good essay, and I liked the creative route you took, taking a significant negative influence and making it positive. There are a few mistakes I noticed and I'm gonna try to hit some of them.

For one when you said in your second paragraph "...had another motive in his actions" you could have said "had a hidden agenda" or "had an ulterior motive" thus making is sound slightly more mature and keeps the flow.

Also I noticed that the last two sentences in your second paragraph can be cleaned up a little. Maybe you can say something like "I now show a genuine level of respect to those I come in contact with, because I desire to be treated in the same way. Not to mention the fact that I've learned that honesty is truly the best policy, and nothing good is to come from the lying and cheating that pervades so much of society today"

Now that may have been a little much to swallow at first, but little improvements or elaborations can truly make the difference between a good and a great essay. Keep up the good work, because your essay is a true work in progress!

dmanguru

Oct 11, 2010

Undergraduate / Tackling the 100 mile hike - a meaningful event, experience [5]

I enjoyed the essay, but there was one major flaw I noticed. You did a good job detailing your meaningful event, but didn't quite relate it to how it makes you a good contribution to UF. You spent all of 2 sentences of your body paragraph talking about how it made you more responsible which would be okay if it wasn't for the fact that the UF prompt implies it wants more or less equal attention to both requirements. My suggestion would be to simply add more qualities or skills that you gained during you time in Boy Scouts and detail how you could apply them to college. Something like "My time making the 100 mile hike, taught me how to make short-term goals in order to achieve the ultimate fullfillment" in this case the summit. Other than that, good essay!

dmanguru

Oct 11, 2010

Undergraduate / Essay on "Overcoming an obstacle" and "Qualities that make me an Asset to UCF" [8]

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate you guys taking the time out to read it, and I'm happy it tugged at your heartstrings as well. Thanks again for the feedback!

dmanguru

Oct 10, 2010

Undergraduate / "Ignorance in Society" Issue of Importance - UT Essay B [4]

Wow! This was a very impressive essay and I can tell you put considerable effort into detailing such an impactful moment in your life. Not only was your topic on the "Ignorance of Society" a very relevant issue, but the way you expounded on it by presenting a deeply personal experience instead of data and statistics was superb. I am hard-pressed to find any serious flaw in your essay. Very good job!

dmanguru

Oct 10, 2010

Undergraduate / extracurricular activity essay - First Aid Squad [3]

I liked how you included details as to your posititon as an Emergency Medical Technician-Basic and I thought it was a good opening. The problem I see you having is that you are trying to substitute in mature vocabulary for emotional appeal. I understood exactly what you were saying it's just that it felt like I was reading some sort of article about someone else and not you. My suggestion for making it seem more personal would be to include some words that appeal to the emotional rhetoric. Maybe you could say something like "It was an enlightening, and heartfelt experience" or "I had a passion for the life-saving duties I partook in" or something along those lines. Instead of giving a job description, which is what it sounded like in certain parts, write as if you were telling an "educated" friend as to what you do, and not some stoic admissions director who lacks all feeling. Also some word choices like "female" strike me as a little too formal, but that's just me. Other than that, nice essay intro!

dmanguru

Oct 10, 2010

Undergraduate / Essay on "Overcoming an obstacle" and "Qualities that make me an Asset to UCF" [8]

This is my UCF essay, I opted to combine the two topics "Describe an obstacle you've overcome or bump in the road you've gotten past" and " What qualities or skills do you possess that make you an asset to the UCF community?" into one big 500 word essay, instead of two 250 word essays.

Here it is, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!

A wise man once said "We are the sum total of our experiences" and he couldn't have been more correct. My personal experiences and the obstacles I have faced have molded me into the person I am today. From my mom's bout with breast cancer, to my months of volunteering and working at my local YMCA, they have all added to the sculpting process of the man who sits before you now.

About three years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer after doctors had found a lump in her right breast. When most women might have broken down under the stress of this terrible news, or retreated into some impenetrable solace of self-pity. My mom did what she had always done, she prayed. She found refuge in her faith in God and I truly believe it was because of this that she made it through. Now as you can imagine times got rough, especially when her illness forced us to make certain sacrifices. Even under the tough facade she put on for us, I could see her pain and anguish, and could only imagine what she was going through. I never truly believed that my mom would leave us, because her indomitable will seemed just too great. And it was her strength and perseverance that inspired me to do my very best in every aspect of my life and to put the trivial things in true perspective.

Not only was I emotionally strengthened after enduring with my mom, but my time volunteering and later working at the YMCA was also invaluable. It cultivated life skills in me that before then would have been unobtainable. Many of these skills easily translate into a proficient and career oriented student. When I was literally responsible for the lives of 20 or so kids I began to apply the responsibility and accountability that comes with the job to my own life. The pressures put on me, as a caretaker of these children, taught me many assets. Integrity was a must because we were their role-models for a large portion of the day. With these kinds of extended exposure the kids watched everything we did, and it was my prerogative to make sure that if a camper were to ever emulate me, he or she would be praised, not punished. Patience was also a necessity when it came to the YMCA and fortunately it is a value that can be applied to any aspect of life.

Persevering with my family during my mom's battle with breast cancer was an experience I'll never forget, both for the lessons it taught me, and the Faith it nurtured in me. On a brighter note my job at the YMCA was a character builder to say the least, and is an experience most people should consider partaking in. It has undoubtedly made me a better person and I can assure you it has made me by extension a more capable and qualified student as well.