Hi, the topic I chose for my commonapp essay was-
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence
I've grown up believing that the love of a family is life's greatest blessing. Instead I've realized that we're the most naïve when we are young. My parents, without a question, have showered me with love and tried their best to guide me in the right direction, but unfortunately they're not the only ones who've influenced me greatly. My uncle, a wealthy high status man, has received his current wellbeing by manipulating, lying and cheating to his closest ones. Although those slyly techniques weren't used towards me, I've witnessed enough to learn from its harmful consequences.
As I lay in bed, almost half asleep, I hear my father's harsh words directed towards my uncle. Maybe I wasn't meant to hear this, but I felt I had a right to know. What I heard that night truly changed my positive outlook on my uncle till this day. The man I looked at as genuinely giving and noble for helping out my dad by providing him with a job for the time being, had another motive in his actions. Hearing that he took advantage of my dad by making him work past his capability and skimming him of his earned money, I recognized the harshness of humanity. From his wrongdoings I'm fortunate enough to learn from his negative characteristics by gaining a perspective of what not to do. I now have a new profound respect with whomever I interact with as that's the same courtesy I'd wanted to be treated with. Additionally, I've learned honesty rather than cheating and lying gets you farther in life.
Even though my dad was unfortunate with his only option of working for my uncle, he tried his best searching for new employment. When he decided to stop relying on others, and rather start his own business, he not only found happiness but also opened my eyes to reality. As my family supported him through his new journey, my uncle attempted to discourage him to quit. Seeing him fight against his hurtful words and succeeding, my dad showed me his strength which helped me find my own. In life there will always be people who abash your achievements and I've seen that the only way to get past it is to disregard their words and find courage to step past them. I plan to bring these traits with myself to a new institution where I will determinedly pursue my dreams in search for my own happiness.
Like the once eminent Peter McWilliams had said, "The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint- hearted." The hurtful experiences I've been through gave me strength to be who I am today. Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror.
I decided to choose a negative influence I had and to make into something postive. Any criticism, comments, edits will be appreciated! :) Still thinking of an ending btw. Thanks!
This was a pretty good essay, and I liked the creative route you took, taking a significant negative influence and making it positive. There are a few mistakes I noticed and I'm gonna try to hit some of them.
For one when you said in your second paragraph "...had another motive in his actions" you could have said "had a hidden agenda" or "had an ulterior motive" thus making is sound slightly more mature and keeps the flow.
Also I noticed that the last two sentences in your second paragraph can be cleaned up a little. Maybe you can say something like "I now show a genuine level of respect to those I come in contact with, because I desire to be treated in the same way. Not to mention the fact that I've learned that honesty is truly the best policy, and nothing good is to come from the lying and cheating that pervades so much of society today"
Now that may have been a little much to swallow at first, but little improvements or elaborations can truly make the difference between a good and a great essay. Keep up the good work, because your essay is a true work in progress!
Thanks Dmanguru! I definetly agree with your suggestions so thank you for that. Do you think the length is okay? And how much longer do you think my conclusion should be? Thanks :)
Number agreement:
Although those sly techniques weren't used towards me, I've witnessed enough to learn about their harmful consequences.
As my family supported him through his new journey, my uncle attempted to discourage him and persuade h im to quit.
Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror. ----hahah!!! You are a good writer.
I decided to choose a negative influence I had and to make into something postive.---- I think you should mention this in the essay, a profound idea. :-)
Thank you! Do you think I should end the essay with what i have right now or add more to it?
I changed up my last paragraph a bit --
Like the once eminent Peter McWilliams had said, "The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint- hearted." I wasn't able to control the influences I was under, but to have each affect me positively was something I took responsibility for. The hurtful experiences I've been through give me strength to be who I am today. Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror.
Is that okay? thanks!
I love it! But I think you can improve this part:
The hurtful experiences I've been through give me strength to be who I am today. --- it does not take strength to BE who you are, but it might be necessary to have a certain amount of confidence in order to unhesitatingly let others see who you really are. Such confidence comes from experiences that give you insight and prove your strength, and I guess that is how "The hurtful experiences I've been through give me strength to be who I am today." But you can word it in a way that is more clever.
:-)
