This is my UCF essay, I opted to combine the two topics "Describe an obstacle you've overcome or bump in the road you've gotten past" and " What qualities or skills do you possess that make you an asset to the UCF community?" into one big 500 word essay, instead of two 250 word essays.
Here it is, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!
A wise man once said "We are the sum total of our experiences" and he couldn't have been more correct. My personal experiences and the obstacles I have faced have molded me into the person I am today. From my mom's bout with breast cancer, to my months of volunteering and working at my local YMCA, they have all added to the sculpting process of the man who sits before you now.
About three years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer after doctors had found a lump in her right breast. When most women might have broken down under the stress of this terrible news, or retreated into some impenetrable solace of self-pity. My mom did what she had always done, she prayed. She found refuge in her faith in God and I truly believe it was because of this that she made it through. Now as you can imagine times got rough, especially when her illness forced us to make certain sacrifices. Even under the tough facade she put on for us, I could see her pain and anguish, and could only imagine what she was going through. I never truly believed that my mom would leave us, because her indomitable will seemed just too great. And it was her strength and perseverance that inspired me to do my very best in every aspect of my life and to put the trivial things in true perspective.
Not only was I emotionally strengthened after enduring with my mom, but my time volunteering and later working at the YMCA was also invaluable. It cultivated life skills in me that before then would have been unobtainable. Many of these skills easily translate into a proficient and career oriented student. When I was literally responsible for the lives of 20 or so kids I began to apply the responsibility and accountability that comes with the job to my own life. The pressures put on me, as a caretaker of these children, taught me many assets. Integrity was a must because we were their role-models for a large portion of the day. With these kinds of extended exposure the kids watched everything we did, and it was my prerogative to make sure that if a camper were to ever emulate me, he or she would be praised, not punished. Patience was also a necessity when it came to the YMCA and fortunately it is a value that can be applied to any aspect of life.
Persevering with my family during my mom's battle with breast cancer was an experience I'll never forget, both for the lessons it taught me, and the Faith it nurtured in me. On a brighter note my job at the YMCA was a character builder to say the least, and is an experience most people should consider partaking in. It has undoubtedly made me a better person and I can assure you it has made me by extension a more capable and qualified student as well.
Your essay is very heart warming. I think it is good. I actually cried a little. It is a good story that you can write about for the admissions for colleges.
Well crafted essay... I believe that you should use this for an essay to any school... unless your commonapp (or equivalent) essay is better
Thank you so much! I truly appreciate you guys taking the time out to read it, and I'm happy it tugged at your heartstrings as well. Thanks again for the feedback!
... man who sits before you now.---I think you should write something other than "sits before you" know. Write something accurate, like ... young man who types this essay now.
Add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. It seems to be missing a sentence. There is room for an excellent thesis statement right there at the end of that first para, so think of a sentence that expresses the main message of the essay.
comma:
It has undoubtedly made me a better person, and ...
:-)
I love this essay. However I think that at some points, your vocabulary gets a little to over-flowery, as if you tried to shove as many big words in there as possible.
Thanks again for all the feedback! And yeah I did notice that I was trying a little to hard to exhibit my vocabulary in certain parts of the essay. I tend to do that sometimes, it's one of the obstacles I'm going to have to work at.
Stellar essay! I don't have many suggestions and I think the vocabulary was okay and well-suited.
Just one thing - this sentence: "On a brighter note my job at the YMCA was a character builder to say the least, and is an experience most people should consider partaking in."
It could be rephrased better, or more concisely.
The last sentence is great so don't change that.
:) good luck!!
