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Posts by bakamanju
Joined: Oct 20, 2010
Last Post: Jan 6, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 14  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 17
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bakamanju   
Jan 6, 2011
Book Reports / AP Literature and Composition Paper: "Thoughtful Laughter", Pride and Prejudice [2]

Role of Comedy in Marriage
W.L Courtney, a distinguished editor, stated that "thoughtful laughter is an inner experience-a sort of internal chuckle-which does not display external manifestations. It is the enjoyment of the intellect when situations or characters or sometimes, phrases strike one as happy exhibitions of humor." Jane Austen emphasizes the idea of "thoughtful laugher" in her novel, Pride and Prejudice, through the relationship of Elizabeth and Darcy. "Thoughtful laughter" is notable in Austen's use of the misunderstandings between the characters. These drive the two further apart until the two realize their mistakes were based on pride and prejudice.

The initial conflicted relationship between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy begins at the Netherfield ball. After Mr. Bingley introduces Elizabeth to Mr. Darcy, he later coldly states to Bingley how Elizabeth is only "tolerable... but not enough to tempt me" (Austen, 8). Elizabeth overhears his comment and is not surprisingly angered. Elizabeth concludes that Mr. Darcy is "only the man who made himself agreeable nowhere" (18). She further assumes that Mr. Darcy is a cold person while in fact he is shy and uncomfortable around others. After the ball in Netherfield, Miss Bingley begins a conversation with Mr. Darcy and asks Elizabeth to join in a playful game to find a defect in Mr. Darcy's character. Elizabeth concludes that Mr. Darcy's "defect is a propensity to hate everyone" (49). Mr. Darcy, on the other hand, rebuts her comment stating that she "is willfully to misunderstand" who he really is (49). Elizabeth bases her faulty conclusion on her experience with Mr. Darcy at Netherfield when he showed no interest to talk to her. Her comment leads Mr. Darcy to conclude that Elizabeth misunderstood his actions. Both characters make incorrect judgments about the other because they believe their pride and prejudice blind them to each other's true character. This brings forth "thoughtful laughter" on the part of the readers because they know the characters are making mistaken judgments.

After the events at Netherfield, Mr. Wickham misleads Elizabeth to believe that Mr. Darcy and his family ruined Mr. Wickham's social standing. Mr. Wickham made false claims about Mr. Darcy's father not leaving part of the Pemberley estate or monetary benefits for his gambling habits. Therefore, Elizabeth believes Mr. Wickham and accuses Mr. Darcy of false charges. Mr. Darcy defends himself in a letter about how Mr. Wickham sprouted the rumors. After Elizabeth receives Mr. Darcy's letter does she begin to understand that she has erred. Consequently, Elizabeth and the Gardiners arrived in Pemberley, Mr. Darcy's home estate. Elizabeth told the Gardiners that she has no reason to go to Pemberley, but Elizabeth comments about her new feelings toward Mr. Darcy when she sees the estate: "I might have been mistress!" (212). Elizabeth comes to realize that if she did not misjudge Mr. Darcy's character, then she could have lived a happy life in Pemberley. Elizabeth begins to see her mistake on Mr. Darcy's character. She contemplates about her mistake during a walk with the Gardiners: "Elizabeth felt that they had entirely mistaken his character, but said nothing" (219). Elizabeth surmises that Mr. Darcy is nowhere close to disagreeable as described by Mr. Wickham. Elizabeth understands that she has wronged Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Darcy realizes that he misjudged Elizabeth. As a result, the relationship between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy begins to foster from the misunderstandings. The meeting at Pemberley and Mr. Darcy's letter show a contrast to their first encounter in Netherfield. This contrast allows the reader to connect "thoughtful laughter" to Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy as they discern and understand each other's errs.

The true meaning of "thoughtful laughter" is different because it does not come from an "external manifestation" but rather a way to express idea through humor. Jane Austen puts Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in a situation where one makes a faulty judgment about the other. The reader "laughs" as Jane Austen describes the how Elizabeth and Darcy faced challenges that came about from these misunderstandings. However, they came to a conclusion that resulted in a happy relationship when realizing the errors in their decisions. Austen's use of "thoughtful laughter" helped convey the idea that humor through misunderstandings can allow for happiness to be achieved in a relationship.

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I just need some advice on how to fix this essay up... The prompt is "thoughtful laughter" and I don't think my argument is solid at all... This is an overdue essay that I need to turn in soon, but I really am struggling in the class and need some more advice from other people. Please let me know anything! Thank you in advance!
bakamanju   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Find X, tarot card readings" - University of Chicago Extended Essay [6]

Thank you for the feedback! I can see what you are talking about. I was thinking about incorporating myself throughout as best as possible, however I couldn't think of a way to do that sounding like I'm ranting. But thank you again for correcting style! I'll look into that for my upcoming essays that I still have to write! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Find X, tarot card readings" - University of Chicago Extended Essay [6]

Thank you very much for the answer! I appreciate the formal response! It was definitely a faithful attempt at being creative. I wish I did have room to clarify myself a bit more in this essay, but I couldn't do so since the essay was heading towards 1000 words. Since I wanted to be more of a story, I've made my case. I was also reluctant to remove a few parts (seeing that I already took out a chunk earlier when editing). But you are right, it does lack a bit of personal touch. I will forever be glad to see how this turns out. Thank you again for the comment~! Very much appreciated!
bakamanju   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Fight or Flight" - Significant experience, risk Common App Personal Statement [6]

You do not know how happy I am to see your criticism. I appreciate it greatly! To describe a few of your questions during the essay.

Does your school have separate campuses for separate years?
My school is one of probably a few that actually do have two campuses. One for freshman, and the other campus is for sophomore and up. It was definitely a great experience going to the different campuses. It gives a different feel than most schools.

And about your last comment. I did try to write and after shock, but as I wrote it, I shouldn't put it in just for personal reasons. I even had a hard time putting this up, to be honest, up here. But in the end, I had very few people I would like to read my essay (especially this one). My first draft had an after shock. However, it would've ended up being over a few pages long trying to describe and be concise without leaving a lot of detail out. But I did consider that thought and thank you very much for your time and effort for proofreading and giving awesome feedback!

I hope you do well in your college apps if that is what you're doing too! Best of luck! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "international group of respected politicians" - the most appealing about Columbia? [3]

You repeat "I also" quite often in your paragraph. Try a change of wording for that. I think this is a good essay overall because you emphasized your will and liking in the subject area of International Relations. Other than the repetition, no major errors can be seen from your sentence structure and grammar.

Best of luck! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Family Tragedy (Event That Has Affected My Life) [5]

... my father had already been alerted of his health ...

When my father began to recover ,he was placed in a nursing home, then we relocated to an apartment ...

... and we got to eat dinner together with my father.

You have a lot of heart in your essay. Just a few minor things that seemed off when it came to the flow of the sentences (corrected above). But if it changes the meaning of what you initially wanted, then obviously keep it the way you want it to. I liked your essay a lot because it is very touching. However, a little more detail here and there wouldn't hurt. That is my only suggestion. Simplicity is always good too! Just keep that in mind when editing your essay!

Best of luck! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a human with flaws" - personal essay (hardships, challenges, opportunities) [3]

You do a great job with presenting your voice in your essay, and presented a good case about change affecting who you are today. However, the third to last sentence...

Since childhood, I exhibited precocious ability, and the only way I can look at this is that instead of blooming late, and being behind everyone in high school, I merely got ahead of them on a college frame of mind.

I had some trouble with the way it was presented. Maybe I read it wrong to be honest, but it seems to be a run on. Try to make this sentence flow better.

Overall, good job! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "Find X, tarot card readings" - University of Chicago Extended Essay [6]

Critique and comment please~ XD Please and thank you!

Find X

Have you ever wondered about tarot card readings and their significance? They help
answer an important question in life, but it is up to self interpretation whether it is true or not.
Tarot cards are used to help people understand themselves more. It is not to predict one's
future, like the common belief, but more of an adventure to discover answers to the great
unknown. It all starts out with a question. The question is, how can one find "X"?
After shuffling the deck, five cards are chosen out of a deck of twenty-two cards
consisting of the "Major Arcana". The cards are placed in a cross in the order they were
chosen because the position of the card matters in the interpretation. Each card has its own
specific meaning which reveals one's character and identity through their quest to an answer.
Not only do the cards act as a guide to the future, they also tell a story. The Fool, seeker of
knowledge, taker of risks, and story teller of the Tarot, attempts to search for an answer to
life's never ending questions.

As The Fool travels to seek where he currently stands in life, he encounters The
Magician laying out all the possibilities of life in front of him. This card signifies how one
feels a sense of purpose and also the ability to get things done in life. Self-confidence is a
key factor to success. Self confidence is the knowledge learned from experience and able to
use it in everyday society. The Magician allows for one to think on the go when faced with
opposition and challenges. What is most important about this card is how much you believe
in yourself. Everything requires effort to achieve, and the skills that are gained through
experience help people reach high for the goals in their life.

After The Fool's encounter with The Magician, The Fool comes across The Tower that
has been struck by lightning in the past but is slowly being rebuilt in the present. The Tower
card acts by using the element of surprise. Expect the unexpected. That way, one can
become a wiser and stronger person. The Tower's personality reflects the hardships in one's
life and allows them to realize the truth of what is happening. It is the opposite of
conformity and allows for self correcting. Since this card is the second card to be chosen,
the past of this individual has probably faced situations that were not in their favor and
failed many times before achieving success. However, the keyword to this card is
persistence. It is like learning how to walk, no matter how many times you fall; you get up
and try again.

The Fool leaves The Tower and looks up to the sky to see The Star shining a bright path
on the dark path ahead leading towards the future. The Star card acts as the embodiment of
the future. One is filled with optimism as well as inspiration and motivation to do well in the
future no matter what the endeavors are. With a broad and creative mind set, one is able to
see the many possibilities of the future and bring forth various changes in their life. The
future consists of many different roads leading to different outcomes. Everything walks on a
different road and is guided by a star towards the answer they seek in life.

As The Fool continues to go down the brightly lit path, he comes across a tree where he
sits to think. No matter how he sits, he could not think of a reason for his quest, so he
climbed the tree and dangled upside down and saw The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man
reveals itself in this position, but reversed. As it stands up instead of hanging downward, the
reason behind the question is revealed. Change is inevitable and is something that happens
naturally in reality. However, one can limit change to a certain degree and potentially harm
the mind and the soul. The inability to accept one for who they are is a fatal flaw to this card
position. By trusting the abilities and knowledge one already has allows for one to use their
intuition and be able to perceive the world around them from a different perspective.
At the end of the starlit path, The Fool came to realize that the answer has been in front
of him all this time. The choices that are made will depend on what is making the final
decision. The Fool brings forth new beginnings; a journey into unknown territory that brings
forth trials and hardships that needs to be endured. This journey brings experience and
wisdom to those that attempt to tap into their inner potential self. The final decision shall
impact everything that has led up to this moment in time. Their experiences, life, and future
hang on the balance of this important decision. The Fool takes the leap of faith and trusts his
instincts to be the best decision.

What does this story all mean? Who or what is "X"? There are many answers to this
question, but to The Fool, it is simple. "X" is I, The Fool. Each card from the reading
consisted as a part of my subconscious and conscience. The Magician and The Star cards
show the potential for a bright future and ability to think outside the box. Also, by bringing
my dreams to reality, The Star guides the way to and becomes part of the motivating factor
to keep going. The Tower shows the drive that moves my educational lust for knowledge.
No matter what the hardship, learning the mysteries of life will always pull through. I may
fall down, but I get back up to try and try again. The Reversed Hanged Man shows a
weakness that may deter my path to becoming who I want to be. The best solution to
remedy this in my life is to just be myself and be who I am instead of being someone I am
not. Finally, by choosing The Fool, I sign a lifelong contract where I agree to take
responsibility for my actions and decisions that I make in my life. Doing so, shall bring new
adventures and challenges to my life, to your life, and to the life of the community in the
future. I live for the present, remember the past, and look toward the future. This is the real
me you see. The "X" filled with potential and infinite possibilities.
bakamanju   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "willingness to help others" - I'm very happy with most aspects of my personality [3]

I'm very happy with most aspects of my personality, but the one that I value willingness to help others the most . I have the attitude thatIf I am able to help someone who needs it, I cannot justify not doing so.

This shows itself in many different ways. I was a tutor for math and physics in school, and would often discuss and give feedback on other's work.

Hmm... so far so good.
Even though this has made me sort of a "go-to" person for any kind of help, I'm happy to do it because it helps me as much as the person I'm helping.

I think you can either cut a few words or edit a few things in this sentence. Be a little more assertive on your position. This sentence just sounded a bit weak to me.

At a local school for disabled children, many parents of children with communicative disabilities were unable to afford certain speech generating devices for their kids.

You don't have to do this edit. I personally thought it was slightly redundant but it does have a certain feel to it.
Looking at the devices, I knew that they had very simple soft- and hardware, and were clearly over-priced. It wouldn't be hard to write software that converts any desktop or tablet PC into a "Talker". I felt compelled to help them, and my father and I developed such a program, which is now being used in the whole school, free of charge.

ThisMy attitude is also a large part of why I want to attend MIT. I feel that with the opportunities MIT can provide me with, I will be able to truly have an impact on the world, and to make other people's lives better.

Overall, good essay. Just added a bit of minor edits and so forth. Those are just my personal opinions. It might not be the idea you wanted to convey, so don't feel obligated to change anything! I really enjoyed reading your prompt. Best of luck! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Is there anything we can do to stop crime? [3]

Education is an essential element in reducing the crime rate in the long run. According to the recent statistics reported by the Institution of Social Security, the more widespread the education is, the less crimes are committed in a society or region. Therefore, the government should always guarantee the allocation in education or consider increasing it.

Just very minor edits. However, even without them, it sounds very nice! Keep it up! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "my first half iron-man triathlon" - common application short essay [3]

This is a good piece with a lot of feel and identity. (KEEP ON RUNNING!) It is precise and not overly descriptive. I think you're set with the short essay prompt! No immediate grammatical errors or punctuation mistakes. Good work! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / (Model United Nations) - CommonApp Short Answer [5]

This is a good short answer piece. It is precise and hits on different aspects of what you like to do as a student. I don't see any grammatical mistakes nor punctuation errors. Good work! ^^
bakamanju   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Fight or Flight" - Significant experience, risk Common App Personal Statement [6]

I did a few more edits after I deleted my other one. Please send in your critiques about my essay. All comments are welcomed!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Fight or Flight

There once was a bird. It could not fly no matter how hard it tried, but was stronger than
the rest. How does this happen? Why is it stronger than the others? Try to imagine yourself
in a situation where you are faced with a possible threat or problem in your everyday life
that has deterred your ability to move on. In order to protect yourself from harm, the human
mind naturally tells you to either to challenge the threat directly or choose the easier route:
run away.

It was the beginning of my Junior year, and the pressures of ACT, SAT exams and
academic courses were hard on everyone, including myself. Most of my family was
supportive of me in my academic choices and decisions, except for my mother. My mother
and I got into arguments about everything from my academic performance to my likelihood
of getting into college. The arguments and the academic pressures began to take a toll on me.
On a cold fall evening, my mom walked into my room, with an air of superiority,
demanding that I quit all my after school activities and focus more on my studies. I had
balanced my schedule to fit my academics and my extracurricular activities in a way that
would not affect my academic performance; however, my mother did not listen to me. As if
she had not had enough, she began to yell at my younger brother, James, for seemingly no
reason at all. My younger brother hid behind me, scared of my mother's wrath. I tried my
best to defend my younger brother until my mother furiously pointed towards the door and
told me to leave the house and never come back. I stood up and stomped out of the door,
barefoot, into the cold fall evening.

I gained a lot of insight of the world during my few hours outside of my warm and
comfortable lifestyle at home. As I walked, my mind was racing, thinking about what just
happened. Before I knew it, I found myself back at my high school's freshman campus.
Seeing that I had nowhere else to go, I walked inside with no sense of direction or reason,
while at the same time hoping that I would come to my senses. After settling down on a
bench in the gyms, I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes. As I fell deep into my
subconscious, I began to reflect upon who I am as a human being and all the hardships my
family has gone through to bring me to where I am today.

Ever heard of the saying that your life seems to "flash before your eyes" the moment you
die? A part of me died that night, but at the same time, I felt that a new me was born as well.
There is more to life than test scores and family disputes. My life is better off than a good
majority of the world who either lives in poverty without food and support, so I have no
right to call my life unfair. In the end, my parents are not scolding me because they want to.
They are scolding me because they just want the best for me. Being the first generation born
in the United States puts a lot of pressure on me to live up to family expectations; however,
it is not just those expectations that I have to uphold, but my own as well. If I were to
completely leave behind my past life, I have to learn to accept those mistakes that happened
and look towards the future in order to pave a new path for me to walk upon with my head
up high. Following my epiphany, I made up my mind to go home.

Recall the bird that could not fly. It could not fly no matter how hard it tried. However, it
never gave up. It never ran away, kept trying, knowing that someday it would be able to fly
like the rest. Motivation and determination are what made it stronger than the rest. My
experience made me realize that there is more to life than my problems at home. It is only a
small portion that makes up who I really am. The people around me, the experiences I go
through every day, even the things I learn from school make up a part of me. What I learned
about myself during those four hours of alone time was that it was not the end of the world
if something takes a turn for the worst. You have to keep moving on and live a life filled
with no regrets. College not only gives me the opportunity to strive towards my goal, but
also to fulfill the dreams and wishes that my family and friends have put inside of me. I
cannot run away from my problems. I have to embrace them, and the future, so that I can
use this experience to keep myself from falling. But, if I do fall, I will get back up to try
again and again till I become the person I want to become.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
bakamanju   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "French club" - briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities [5]

French club also learns about French art by taking a trip to the Museum of Modern Art, in order to view Impressionist period art, which is also a component of the regular advanced French curriculum.

I'm just using this as an example. Try to input yourself and how French art influences yourself as a person, not just why it is part of the French curriculum. How does French art make you feel? Does it change you as a person. Don't just take my ideas for it now! It is a suggestion to show yourself as a student with the want to learn! I hope this helps!
bakamanju   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "French club" - briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities [5]

Your overall essay is fine, just try to add French club's impact instead of just listing what you've done during the club. Show don't tell! So, like tell us how one of those trips influenced your decision to learn French or something along those lines. Be sure to stay in the word limit!

Best of luck!
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