Hey guys, the prompt is "There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment."
I am human. That basic idea right there incorporates the fact that I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Our entire society runs on the simple task of learning from its mistakes. Some of them make major impacts on my life, others are minute. High school is a melting pot of people and ideas, and those who make the right choices from the start will gain a prodigious advantage over those who don't.
The diversity of our nation is condescending in that the various groups of people in this country feel the need to fit in to society. In the first two years of my high school career, I felt the need to fit in. Being a south Asian member of society, my cultural background was quite different from the deeply white, republican society that was apparent in Frisco Texas and as soon as high school started, I immediately had the urge to become accepted into this society. At the moment, I failed to realize the importance the first year of high school had on my future; 'There's still three more years!' right? Wrong. The first and second years of high school are crucial; the decision one makes during the first few years sets his grade point average and rank for the rest of high school. I procrastinated; I would rather have trivial enjoyments such as movies or games than do my work on time. High school is a time of rebellion. I would go against the excellent work ethic and values that my parents have taught me since childhood to do what's 'cool' or 'fun'. I became lazy, 'it's just a homework grade'. I didn't realize that my future was slipping right through my fingers. I overworked myself, selecting as many AP classes to fit in my schedule as physically possible, and I know I could have been exultant in those classes if I had only put my mind to them. I focused my time on other things, a volunteer effort in Dallas, an expensive college preparation class, and my hobbies in electronics were just some of the activities that kept me away from schoolwork on a weekly basis.
By the end of sophomore year, it was too late. My grades had plundered into a void. The very friends that I tried to be like had the advantage over me. School had pushed me down into the lower end of the student body. I realized this wasn't right. Knowledge is what's cool. The fact that I'm a unique person is what's cool. School comes first. It took me two years to realize that, but I'm glad it did eventually. I struggled the next year, pushing through words like 'Improvement' and 'future' through my mind despite a few naive teachers, one in particular who couldn't even speak proper English. The results weren't enough; by putting my mind to it, I pushed my rank up a whole 112 people. But it was too late; the consequences of two bad years of high school stopped me from advancing any further. If I put my mind to something, the possibilities are endless. I worked hard in volunteering, and I definitely hope that I made some effect on another person's life; I also worked hard in my college prep class, giving me an SAT score that I am adequately satisfied with. But when it came to school, I definitely had overlooked it. Time was short, and I advanced as much as I could, but the only place where I was utterly successful was in my mind. My new understanding of value definitely brought change upon me.
I am human, I have faults, and I am willing to work on them. Since childhood, I exhibited precocious ability, and the only way I can look at this is that instead of blooming late, and being behind everyone in high school, I merely got ahead of them on a college frame of mind. I'm ready for what life throws at me, for I am a changed man; I've been through my fair share of struggle, and know that if I put my mind to it, I will get it done. I won't let anyone change that, society is merely my witness.
Any thoughts or ideas? I really really need your input! THANKS!
You do a great job with presenting your voice in your essay, and presented a good case about change affecting who you are today. However, the third to last sentence...
Since childhood, I exhibited precocious ability, and the only way I can look at this is that instead of blooming late, and being behind everyone in high school, I merely got ahead of them on a college frame of mind.
I had some trouble with the way it was presented. Maybe I read it wrong to be honest, but it seems to be a run on. Try to make this sentence flow better.
Overall, good job! ^^
I am human. That basic idea right there incorporates the fact that I make mistakes. You should not say this, because people always know what you mean when you say, "I am human," or "I am only human." It does not need explanation, so you should not explain it.
Everyone makes mistakes. ---- again, we already know, and this is a cliche.
Our entire society runs on the simple task of learning from its mistakes. ---- this is getting more interesting right here... very cool. This might be a good sentence to uyse at the beginning of the essay.
I don't know if "deeply" white is a good term... Seems like a problematic term! :-)
'There's still three more years!' right? ---baad grammar. There are three...
Capitalize: I became lazy: "It's just a homework grade."
Knowledge is what's cool. ---- great sentence.
I am human, I have faults, and I am willing to work on them. -----another great sentence.
Since childhood, I exhibited precocious (I don't think this is the best word to use here, but you can probably think of a better one!) ability, and the only ...
:-)
