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Posts by dennis730
Joined: Oct 22, 2010
Last Post: Oct 24, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: Chicago, IL

Displayed posts: 8
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dennis730   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

to nishabala:
thanks for the comments! I will try working on much more clarification because the way you read it I would not want college admins to read it the same way. but I think this paper does reveal something about myself. Yes they already know that I am Chinese American and they already know I participate in Model UN, theatre, etc. What they don't know is how I felt being the only Chinese American participating in this activities. I definitely see how I might be too humble, I was struggling with that as I wrote this. But my edit, which I am working on touches on at. I want my paper to show progression, first because of these experiences, I felt one of a kind. But as time progressed I soon realized I am not entirely unique. It might sound self-bashing. In the end the point I am trying to get across is that each student tries so hard to bring diversity, they try so hard to be so one of a kind. But eventually most people reach a limit to how different they can be. In the end, I realize diversity is so much easier than being a member of a different race that tries to break stereotypes. Instead, even if to statistically average people come together, the interactions between the two creates a type of diversity.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super Babysitter"- Common App Short Answer [5]

Each child has had a powerful impact on me. There is nothing like the look of relief on a parent's face when I give my reassurance that everything went smoothly and their hyperactive children are sound asleep-this line really stood up above all the others. Perhaps edit the essay to expand more on how babysitting has impacted you with responsibility, patience, etc.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "I left Jamaica to America with my mother and father" - mother's influence essay [5]

The first sentence "Life is full of positive and negative things." caught my attention. But rest of the opening paragraph seems bland and cliche in comparison. I understand you want to set up the situation of immigrating to America but perhaps you can find a way to woven that fact into the body paragraphs.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / School Newspaper/Drama Club: COMMONAPP: Describe an activity (150 words or less) [9]

If you are going to mention Journalism in your personal essay I think you should use the Drama one. A 150 word short essay is not nearly enough room to talk about what you basically what to do with the rest of your life. By sending the Drama one, it shows not only a range of interests but also that you are genuinely invested in both of them.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "College search as a special interest, experience" - TULANE UNIVERSITY ESSAY [5]

The first time I thought of when reading through this is that your topic is not that original. Everything you have written so far is sort of cliche. I am certain college admission people know the purpose of forcing students to write essays is to get them to "think about the kind of person I am, as well as the type of person I want to become."

Sorry if I sounded really harsh.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

I originally wrote this piece for QuestBridge but am currently trying to see if it works well with the Yale Supplement which does not really have a specific prompt except "tell else something we do not know about you from the rest of your application?" I would just like to know if other think the paper is interesting, a good fit for Yale, etc. Thanks!

True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have

My friends and I kind of have a running joke: they keep me around because, being Chinese, I bring diversity to the group. While slightly amusing, it is the truth. During my time spent in high school, I would usually be the sole Chinese in the activities I partook in. While a simple explanation for this situation can be derived from the fact that I attend a small school with a relatively small Chinese American population, I will choose to ignore that clarification so as to dive deeper into understanding the role I play in bringing diversity to the things I do.

When I was preparing to attend my first Model United Nations conference, my parents asked me, "Are there any other Chinese students [from my school] attending?" I responded, "Only me." When I joined theatre? "Only me." When I joined student government? "Only me." When asked what diversity I would bring to a college, it appears that the simple answer would be, "Just being Chinese and participating in the things I like to do would bring diversity as it seemed for the past three years."

Of course I realize college is going to be much more diverse and just being Chinese and doing certain things does not guarantee that I will be able to give something no one else can offer. There is probably countless Chinese Americans with interests in history, politics, and theatre in the world right now. I believe that is something everyone fears: meeting someone that is exactly like themselves, getting the feeling of individuality being taken away, the idea that there is someone else that has accomplished just as much or even more and can offer to the world everything they can. While I have been fortunate enough not to have yet met my doppelganger, it is probably only a matter of time.

I understand I can no longer base what I have to offer colleges and the world around being the only Chinese American to participate in Model United Nations and theatre. However, when you look at the students at a college, not everyone is completely distinctive; they have similar interest, accomplishments, style, and personalities. It is the interactions among the people that create true diversity.

In response to the question, I do not think I can offer a college anything that is truly new and one of a kind, very few people can; instead I can and I push myself into the thriving sea of interactions. The conversations that will take place, the debates, the new ideas, all of that is matchless and I have no idea where all that will take me. To bring diversity on our own is not possible, but to create something new and distinct with other people, the process of melding minds, flying sparks of intellect, the engaging reactions, all that is beautiful.
dennis730   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / School Newspaper/Drama Club: COMMONAPP: Describe an activity (150 words or less) [9]

I think the Drama Club essay is written much better because it shows development and growth. However, because you want to pursue journalism in college, I would recommend editing the Newspaper one. Reading through it, the ending feels abrupt. It does not really talk about how your experience on a school paper will help you when studying journalism in college. Perhaps talk about areas that need to be developed as you work on a college newspaper.
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