Undergraduate / Early riser / College options ('letter to roommate' / 'Why Stanford is good for you') [7]

All things considered, here are the updated prompts:

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Stanford and my future roommate,

First, I would just like to say that I'm pleased to meet you. I come from a semi-military family; my father, now retired, served for 22 years as a trumpet player in the Navy band. Consequently, I have lived in five different states and attended twelve different schools. I have adapted to living in new places and meeting new people. Having spent five of my earliest years in Southern California, I really enjoy the beach and the ocean, and I am very willing to spend time there studying or just having fun.

I am an early riser. Generally, I wake up at 5:00, though I avoid waking up anyone else. I eat breakfast-meaning that I quickly eat any food that I don't have to prepare-and I attend class. I enjoy long, drawn-out conversations about any mind-stretching subject-whether it's the big bang, early Christianity, or politics in the '60s. I like to think about these kinds of things, and I love listening to others' viewpoints on them. If I hear something interesting or unique, I'll usually think about it for a while with scrunched eyebrows and a dumb look and say something like, "I like that idea. I've never heard that before." At Stanford, I plan to banter with, argue with, question, or listen to any willing person, whether it's a classmate, a professor, an admissions officer-or even my future roommate!

Matt

P.S. The stereo is mine, the Mountain Dew is mine, and I get the bottom bunk. Do not touch my stuff.

Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

I will not pretend that attending Stanford has been my dream ever since I was born. But as I research different colleges, Stanford continues to stand out more than any other institution. What's more, I think that Stanford would suit me better than any other college in the world.

When I attended the "Exploring College Options" lecture, in which representatives from Duke, Georgetown, Harvard, Penn, and Stanford all gave presentations of their respective schools, I noticed that the person representing Stanford had the most to say. Google, Yahoo, and other major companies were founded around Stanford; Stanford students earned more medals at the last Olympics than many countries did; it is located in one of the most innovative places in America, and it seems to have stimulated a great deal of that innovation; and Stanford has an impressive student-to-palm tree ratio. Hearing this, I got excited. Stanford seems to have garnered international fame not from an old reputation, as other major schools have, but, rather, from its achievements. And how did these achievements come about? The students!

After hearing that lecture, Stanford shot to the top of my list. I imagined the undergrads of Stanford-eager persons working to make a nice big bang in the world. I itched to become a part of that. I do not want a school with a big name and nothing to show for it. I want to be part of something bigger; I want make a bright spark in the real world, and I believe Stanford, and Stanford alone, can help me do that.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Academic Interests/Professional Goals - appropriate approach? [6]

I see what you mean. Focus on one thing. You suddenly went from prosthetic limbs to linguistics, and that would just sound weird to an admissions officer. Even the individual paragraphs seems to be scattered. Delve into one or the other, but don't try to stuff everything into one bag.

Read the essay out loud again. I noticed some strange wording in there.

Undergraduate / "to improve and develop international business relationships" - UoP Supplement 2010! [5]

Make it clear right off the bat that you want to introduce the COC to Penn. State this plainly and simply in the first paragraph. Make it a point of its own.

The essay is packed full of information and wordiness. Imagine that you are an admissions officer reading his thirtieth essay that day. He might be impressed, but he might not grasp what you're getting at. Simplify it. Make it nice and easy to understand. For example, "As a young entrepreneur, I am coming to realize the importance of business networking from a national level to a global spectrum," could become "As a young entrepreneur, I see the importance of business networking on a global spectrum." "...but I also plan to engage myself with Penn's established activities," could become "I will also join Penn's established clubs." The more you say in the shortest time, the better it will sound.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Academic Interests/Professional Goals - appropriate approach? [6]

The essay should have a focus. But no one can really know what you mean unless you post the essay itself. Couldn't you just do that? :)

Undergraduate / "to improve and develop international business relationships" - UoP Supplement 2010! [5]

Awesome! Wow, it seems like you've got a lot to talk about in your essay, and they might not see that all the time (though I'm not an expert).

"...is becoming increasingly crucial." Awkward phrasing. Consider replacing "increasing" with "more and more."

The transition from the first to the second paragraph needs work. You're going from your entrepreneurial work to extracurricular activities at Penn in a sudden and almost unexpected way.

The first paragraph focuses on your accomplishments in the business world, and--impressive though they are, especially for an undergraduate--it doesn't really answer the question. It seems like you are leaving that to the second paragraph, while the first paragraph contains information that you could well include somewhere else in the application.

On a side note, if you can help it, consider holding back information about your Chinese heritage,(though the reference was perfectly relevant). Research this more, if you haven't already. Ivy league schools like to discriminate against Asians, simply because they receive so many applications from Asian math geniuses that are a dime a dozen, at that level. I'm not sure if Wharton specifically does this a lot, but I know for sure that schools like Harvard, Yale, and Dartmouth do.

I hope I helped

Undergraduate / "I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism [5]

I see your point as well. I tweaked it a little to not sound so negatively judgmental. Although the girl still seems like a tedious specific example, I included some more variation; the weirdness of the essay might account for that. Or, should I just scrap this idea and return to the first draft?

Undergraduate / Help to make "My Mother, My influence" ending stronger - UT undergrad prompt [3]

End by expanding the concept of your mother into something that sounds more broad and epic. "Because of my mother, I have become a well-rounded person. I have learned that an education will help me to achieve my full potential, and I no longer take it for granted. I have seen the world, and, most of all, I have experienced the joy of giving back to it [and I hope to take this joy with me to UT]." Something like that. I basically reworded your last paragraph, but it ends with a nice, cheesy bang.

I know you asked about the ending, but here's some other critiques:

Replace "managed" with "mustered" in the first paragraph.

"She does this because she knows the struggle millions living in poverty face." Reword this.

Some of your sentences are run-on. Chop them up.

The whole essay is a bit cliched. You're probably not going to change it at this point, but so many persons write about their parents. I read an essay (with this same prompt) in which the applicant wrote about his seventh grade friend, and he got into Harvard. It was a unique idea. Just saying...

Undergraduate / "I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism [5]

I took your idea into consideration, and I realized that you were right. I completely rewrote the second and third paragraph. Please take a look:

Undergraduate / "immigrated to America from Barbados" - Summer Bridge Essay: [3]

I was going to correct the grammatical errors in this, but...there are a lot. Paste this to Word and get rid of some of them.

You're making this sound like a sob story, with the Summer Bridge Program being the only solution to a hard life. Persons reading the essay don't want that. Talk about how you grew, how you bettered your situation, your learning experiences, and so on. It's good to talk about a hard childhood--but only if you really emphasize the ways in which you overcame your circumstances through self-improvement.

Undergraduate / Developing Runner's Mindset -- Common App Essay for Stanford [5]

"My attitude changed immensely. I began to realize that it wasn't that I couldn't finish those distance workouts, but that I was able to not finish them."

I had to think about this one for a little before I understood your meaning. Consider revising.

Get more in depth: What clicked in your mind that made you get better? What was the turning point? Describe your workouts in detail, and describe a specific event that improved your mindset as a runner. Don't just say "I got better," or "it became an obsession." The admissions officers probably read that every single day.