Hello There!
I am struggling with ending this essay strong, and making sure that I am ending with me, a person shaped by mother in a way that UT would want a prospective student to be, rather than restating what my mother has done, and how it has influenced me. :] Pointing out any other problems would be a great help!
Thank You!
The prompt is to write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Of all the people I have gotten to know in my life, my mother has had the greatest impact on me. She's taught me the importance of overcoming life's many obstacles and challenges. Perhaps her greatest lesson is leading by example. She was born into poverty in Vietnam, where food was scarce and an education was considered a luxury. If that wasn't difficult enough, she faced the atrocities of the Vietnam War and somehow managed the courage to flee communism and start a new life in America.
Here, she made sure that I was given opportunities that were not possible for her. She has taught me the importance of an education, and how utilizing what I learn will help me succeed in life. One of her greatest influences was during my twelve years of figure skating. I would not have been as successful if it was not for her encouragement and discipline. She pushed me hard, believing in me even when I didn't believe in my self. Through it all, that taught me to be a fighter and give all I have to the task at hand. This was especially true when I was learning how to do a double axel. For months, day in and day out, I would try and fall over and over again. I got to the point where I felt like giving up, but my mom never gave up on me. This experience taught me a valuable lesson. It showed me when life gets tough and things seem impossible, you have to fight through your fears and believe you can achieve anything. Thanks to my hard work and my mother's encouragement, I was able to land the double axel.
She also taught me the importance of giving back to those in need. Even though money is tight in our family, my mom has always made it a point to help the poor in Vietnam. She does this because she knows the struggle millions living in poverty face. It started off with her making trips there, bringing food and clothes for the poor. Her efforts have grown into an organization. For the past five years, I have traveled with my family to Vietnam to hand out humanitarian aid. Seeing families living in grass huts and children starving, I have learned that there is a different reality outside of our every day lives. I have been able to experience the joy of giving to others. It has amazed me at how much of an impact that had on me. It makes me happy when I see a smile on a kid's face who I have helped. These humanitarian aid trips have taught me to be grateful for what I have. They have also motivated me to take part in my own community. I participate in Key Club, Big Brother Big Sister, the North Texas Food Bank and mission trips with my church. In these events I give my fullest effort to help further my own community. By helping better my community, I have learned to appreciate my blessings. My mother gave me opportunities that she never had, and she taught me not to take them for granted.
My mother gave me opportunities that she never had and she taught me to take advantage of them and not take them for granted. Another valuable lesson is the importance of an education, and how applying what I learn will help me achieve my full potential. Because of my mother I have become a well rounded person, who has witnessed the world and has experienced the joy that comes out of giving as I constantly involve my self in giving back not only to my community but globally.
End by expanding the concept of your mother into something that sounds more broad and epic. "Because of my mother, I have become a well-rounded person. I have learned that an education will help me to achieve my full potential, and I no longer take it for granted. I have seen the world, and, most of all, I have experienced the joy of giving back to it [and I hope to take this joy with me to UT]." Something like that. I basically reworded your last paragraph, but it ends with a nice, cheesy bang.
I know you asked about the ending, but here's some other critiques:
Replace "managed" with "mustered" in the first paragraph.
"She does this because she knows the struggle millions living in poverty face." Reword this.
Some of your sentences are run-on. Chop them up.
The whole essay is a bit cliched. You're probably not going to change it at this point, but so many persons write about their parents. I read an essay (with this same prompt) in which the applicant wrote about his seventh grade friend, and he got into Harvard. It was a unique idea. Just saying...
Here, she made sure that I was given opportunities that were not possible available for her. ----just an idea...
Let's revise this so that you are not always saying "has" and "have" (Instead of her efforts have grown, "her efforts grew..."
She has taught me the importance of an education, and how utilizing what I learn will help me succeed in life. One of her greatest influences was during my twelve years of figure skating. ----12 years is a long time to do something "during." How about saying it "involved" your twelve years of skating...
My mother gave me opportunities that she never had and she taught me to take advantage of them and not take them for granted.-----I scratched out part that you had already said previously.
This must make your mom very proud of you and of herself! :-)
