The prompt is why im intrested in the program. It's not completed but please give feedback...
My Name is Vernica Williams, i am an 18 year old Senior at Forest Hill High School, and a resident of West Palm Beach Florida. I come from a family that lives off the government.My dad immigrated to America from Barbados in search of a better life, with no education he only found strife.My mom never took an interest in school and became a high school drop out.My mom stressed how important getting an education was and how we can get a better life then what we was born into but not seeing her as an prime example, my siblings choose to take the path my mom once took and all led to destruction except me, who took her advice and ran with it.With my dad being a foreigner with no education and my mom having no education, at an young age i new what poverty was. I knew of struggle.And felt my mother pain when she didn't have the means to get by.Watching my mom make sacrifices and provide for my brother and sisters who refuse to do anything with their life taught me to be hardworking,determined and independent. I know having an college education is very important part of life. It would guide me to be a better person and help prepare me to face life challenges.Through your CARE program I would be given the tools to succeed in life and the guidance and support needed to get through each day.I Will meet people and not be ashamed of where im come from.
I was going to correct the grammatical errors in this, but...there are a lot. Paste this to Word and get rid of some of them.
You're making this sound like a sob story, with the Summer Bridge Program being the only solution to a hard life. Persons reading the essay don't want that. Talk about how you grew, how you bettered your situation, your learning experiences, and so on. It's good to talk about a hard childhood--but only if you really emphasize the ways in which you overcame your circumstances through self-improvement.
My Name is Vernica Williams, i am an 18 year old Senior at Forest Hill High School, and I am a resident of West Palm Beach Florida. -----To make this sentence grammatically correct, you need to add the words "I am"
But even if you do that it still seems like a run on sentence for a moment... and anyway, it is not interesting. They know your name, age, and location already, so start with an interesting sentence.
This sentence amounts to, "Me took her advice." So that is not okay:
except me, who took her advice and ra n with it.--- But I think you can easily fix it.
Ah, the essay is so negative and judgmental! Why are you writing about everyone else?
Also, you have a typo here:
I Will meet people and not be ashamed of where im come from.
I think it is important to come up with a plan that consists of 5-10 clear goals, and then write an essay about that plan. Write about YOUR plaan.
:-)
