Undergraduate / "Diversity is not only about race" - a contribution to the school. Intro-question [5]

Yes. add some more details.
If this is only an intro just give a brief overview of how you contributed then expand on them. But don't waste words

Undergraduate / "when i dance its great" - activity, interest FAMU ESSAY NEEDS ADVICE [10]

O Okay. Then yes.
Great essay. I hope you get accepted.
And no problem, glad to help

Undergraduate / "when i dance its great" - activity, interest FAMU ESSAY NEEDS ADVICE [10]

It seems short, but I don't know what you need to write.
I like it. You get your point across and relate it to you.

Good Luck with your application! :)

Undergraduate / "when i dance its great" - activity, interest FAMU ESSAY NEEDS ADVICE [10]

the lottery. (fix the period to be closer)

When I'm in dance, I'm not the same person as I am inside the classroom. This is because when I dance I feel it is a great way for me to express what I feel. ---TO-- When I'm dancing, I'm not the same person I am inside the classroom because when I dance, I feel like I can truly express who I am.

take class--- take a class

its still very meaningful to me--- it's still meaningful to me ( the very does not have to be here)

I know when I have a problem or feeling stressed out about school I know I have a place to turn to, that place filled with mirrors the place, that makes me feel like I am vulnerable and nobody can tell me nothing.-- TO-- I know when I'm having a problem or I am stressed out, I can always turn to something that soothes me: dancing. That studio that is filled with mirrors makes me feel like I am safe and secure. No one can tell me different.

Just some suggestions...

Undergraduate / "when i dance its great" - activity, interest FAMU ESSAY NEEDS ADVICE [10]

First sentence... Change to--> When I step into a mirror filled room, I feel like I am home, but I am not. I am only attending a lesson at my dance studio or at my school.

--Don't forget contractions.. like I'm not Im
--When I'm having trouble

change my holewholeentire mood (whole mood already suggests it is your entire mood)

Last sentence---> Being the only male dancer on my high school team, it was an honor for me to receive the accolade of co-captain.

Was there a word limit?? I feel like you can write more to express this situation and how it feels.

Undergraduate / "when i dance its great" - activity, interest FAMU ESSAY NEEDS ADVICE [10]

-"It gives me that joyful and happy feeling its like i just won the lottery lottery
-Don't for get to CAPITALIZE all your I's and beginning of sentences
- Space twice after a period
-You have a lot of grammar issues... for instance.. turn im to I'm
-"W hen I' m in dance,I' m not the same person as I am inside the classroom.This is becausewhen i dance I feel it is a great way for me to express what i feel and sometimes help me with all of my problems.

-Use Spell check and again.. check grammar. A LOT

You just need to edit this up... the idea is there and it demonstrates what you want to say.

Please Return the Favor--/snowy-strug gels-personal-refelction-common-app-essay-idea-20835/

Thanks

Undergraduate / "Diversity is not only about race" - a contribution to the school. Intro-question [5]

I would contribute to the effervescent Rutgers community because of the activities I take part in, the values I hold, and because of the experiences I have been through.

...Well talk about them! haha
I feel that I could write the first part of this essay because it is a common statement and millions of people share what you just said about diversity. What I could not write is about the experiences you had or the activities you participate in the made you more open to ideas.

The question is how you would contribute to the school, so talk about you personally through personal experiences. They don't want to know what diversity means to you, they want to know how you are diverse.

It is a good idea.. but you need to talk about you and not something millions of people share an idea about. Get it?

Please return the favor--/undergraduate-admission-2/snowy-strug gels-personal-refelction-common-app-essay-idea-20835/

~Thank You

Undergraduate / "I'm dying, winning, swimming" - Common App Essay [3]

ok, Great story I love the concept. The only problem I have is that maybe the person reading this will feel that you can't juggle tasks. That may hurt your chances because you demonstrate that you can not do clubs and maintain your grades.

"Most importantly, I learned to enjoy whatever I do." -- How do you enjoy what ever you do when you say, "I hated it. I wasn't sure why I always went to practice."

Maybe if you elaborate more on what it taught you, you will make your point clear. I believe that you wanted to show your self-determination and that in this...correct? Make is clearer.

Finally, you may unintentionally come off bragging a bit when you talk about your first on swim team, always first in meets, team wins all the time. This is okay, but then you say you can't handle it all and slack on school grades. You speak so highly on sports but try to make it should less cocky.

Your Questions:
1. No, you could involve more transitions if you want to. like "8 years later I hear kids say "I am swimming..." Its a bad example but you get it.

2. Yes, I enjoy the structure because it shows you grow in the paper and you yourself grows each paragraph.
3. No. It was not awkward for me.

All-in-all it was a good story. Just tweak some areas a bit and it should be good.

Please return the favor--- essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/snowy-struggels-personal-refe lction-common-app-essay-idea-20835/ - "My Snowy Struggels and Personal Refelction" Common App essay 1 idea.

~ Thank You