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Posts by brownhopeful
Joined: Nov 14, 2010
Last Post: Nov 27, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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brownhopeful   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "PANDA IN LOVE, a business leader" Uc prompt 2 [3]

there are a lot of grammar mistakes and awkward sentances in here

At the beginning, the process of making these handbags was going very slow because we made a lot of careless mistakes- needs to be changed

there are a lot of others like this... re-read re-read re-read
brownhopeful   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the new curriculum" - Brown Prompt - Why Brown [4]

When I was growing up I dreamed about attending the University of Michigan; however, a visit to one university changed everything. That University was Brown. This may sound cheesy but, from the moment I walked onto the Brown campus I knew that there was no other school for me. The first unique feature that attracted me to Brown was the new curriculum. The Brown curriculum forces me to take responsibility for my own education while at the same time giving me the chance to discover something that is far beyond my comfort zone. I am also drawn to Brown's diverse student population. I love meeting new people and learning about their particular lifestyles, interests and various cultures, and Brown's diverse student population would only amplify this interest. Finally, what I love most about Brown is that I would not be an assortment of grades, credits, or numbers, I would be Kelsey Mullane.

I could really use some advice/ grammar corrections on this Thanks!
brownhopeful   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

YALE SUPPLEMENT ESSAY Tell us something about yourself that we cant see in common app

Prompt: Tell us something about you, or your hobbies, interests, etc. that we will not find in the common application. 500 words or less

I'm in desperate need of some advice for this essay..If someone could tell me what they think of the essay as whole that would be fantastic

Henry David Thoreau once remarked, "Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer" (Walden). After reading Walden I started thinking about my life and how it has passed by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday I was in 4th grade coloring turkeys for Thanksgiving. Now I'm a senior at Branford High School. Overall, High school was a fantastic experience; However, I have one regret about my high school experience; I was working too hard to truly enjoy it.

Throughout high school I placed all of my energy into preparing myself for future achievement. Now as I look back on my high school years, I wish I took the time to truly enjoy them. Instead I always focused on the future and obtaining success. At Freshman Orientation an older student told me "High school goes by so fast, enjoy it now because you can't re-do it later". Unfortunately, I did not heed his advice; but I'm not the only one in America who constantly focuses on the future. In fact, many Americans have made the same mistake I have. Mistakes like my own are made because nearly every aspect of American culture is focused on success and competition. This emphasis on success and competition has not only impeded our ability to slow down, to appreciate life but it has also created a class of people known as workaholics. Workaholics are people who have an impulsive desire to work in order to gain tangible success. Recently, I have realized that I myself am a workaholic.

I am the epitome of a workaholic. My desire to be successful pushes me constantly. I spend all of time doing homework, going to track practice, attending Model Congress meetings, working, practicing viola and filling out college applications. Overall, I enjoy working hard; but working hard has its consequences. Most nights I don't go to bed until 2 in the morning. In addition to my lack of sleep, my hectic schedule has caused me to grow apart from friends because I usually have no time to go out. Furthermore, when I receive a bad grade I dwell on it for weeks at a time because I am so driven to do well that anything that jeopardizes my success makes me feel the need to work harder. Finally, the stress that I'm experiencing is physically taking a toll on my body. Within last month I've lost a great deal of hair. I know that most people would consider working hard to get into college and succeed in life a good quality, but I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy then have all the success in the world and be miserable.

Overall, I want to be able to change. I want to be able to slow down and enjoy all that life has to offer me because I don't want to die without fully enjoying my life. With the help of my brother and my parents I've started to remove some commitments from my schedule. I also reduced my hours at work so that I can have Sundays off. I know that these aren't major changes but I believe they will let me slow down and find time to enjoy myself while still achieving success and being involved in my community, as Thoreau thought necessary.
brownhopeful   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Passion For Design - Common App Essay [7]

Sorry...this may be a little brutal

Ever since I was young, at age ten, I toyed with graphics programs and with webpage coding i would change that to I have toyed with graphic programs and webpage coding since I was 10

I enjoyed it as a hobby and eventually realized that I had found my passion in life.
awakward change to Eventually I realized that I had found my passion in life

In ninth grade, I designed logos and miscellaneous graphics for a company that made internet games. I worked for them for a few months until the project was over. It was fun to immerse myself in the professional world; I was sending invoices out and signing contracts. I was also credited on the games with creating graphics. I took pride in this and hoped to continue to follow my passion.

This is just awakward in general...in the beginning you said that you're designing and then you're sending out invoices place all of what you did at the beginning of the paragraph and work from there

Expanding on this interest in design, I took to a new similar hobby...
Would say some thing like "after working for company x I decided to expand my horizions and take a video production class"

there is a lot more that needs to be edited really re-read this it's a great idea but the wiritng needs work I would suggest bringing this to and english teacher

also use a thesaurus and replace smaller words like fun with something like thrilling
brownhopeful   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

yeah I did think about but i complied a very large resume which is attached to my common app so there's really not a lot left to tell.

I did write another essay on my blood disorder and how that changed me but I but i already wrote about my brother's battle with cancer for my common-app essay so I didn't think that I should write about another life experiance of that magnitude
brownhopeful   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

So this my supplement essay for Yale any advice, grammar corrections or organization tips would be welcomed!

Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application

Lately, I've been thinking about my life and how it has passed by me by. It seems like only yesterday I was in the 4th grade coloring turkeys for the Thanksgiving holiday. Now I'm a senior at Branford High School who just got her first college acceptance letter. Overall, High school is great for me. I have countless friends, leadership positions and good grades; on the other hand, I have one regret about my high school experience. I was always moving too fast to truly enjoy it.

Ever since freshman year I've been enthusiastic about applying to, getting accepted to and ultimately preparing to attend college. During my sophomore year I started to research different colleges and join mailing lists (although I've always wanted to go to Yale). Throughout high school I placed all of my energy into preparing myself for future success. Now as I look back on my high school career I wish I had focused myself on what was happening in the present moment and slowed down to enjoy high school instead of constantly focusing on the future. At my Freshman Orientation my dear friend David Chadwick told me "High school goes by so fast, don't blink or you'll miss it". I did not understand until now how true those words really were. I blinked, and now I'm a High school senior who recently received her first college acceptance letter. However, I'm not the only one in America who constantly focuses on the future and never slows down to just experience life. In fact, many of my fellow Americans have made the same mistake I have. Mistakes like my own are made because every aspect of American culture is focused on speed and development. With developments have impeded our ability to slow down, appreciate life and has created the class of people known as workaholics. A workaholic is one who feels an incessant need to work and achieve success, no matter what the cost. My mother and I would both satisfy the definition of a workaholic. We are both so involved that we often miss what is going on around us.

Henry David Thoreau once remarked "Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer" (Walden). I'm not so sure that hear the beat of a different drummer but I do agree which what Thoreau says in this particular quote. I find it unfortunate that as a society we cannot slow down and truly appreciate the present moment. However, if I can realize the error of my ways while still in high school then the rest of society can as well.