Undergraduate / "PANDA IN LOVE, a business leader" Uc prompt 2 [3]

there are a lot of grammar mistakes and awkward sentances in here

At the beginning, the process of making these handbags was going very slow because we made a lot of careless mistakes- needs to be changed

there are a lot of others like this... re-read re-read re-read

Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

YALE SUPPLEMENT ESSAY Tell us something about yourself that we cant see in common app

Prompt: Tell us something about you, or your hobbies, interests, etc. that we will not find in the common application. 500 words or less

I'm in desperate need of some advice for this essay..If someone could tell me what they think of the essay as whole that would be fantastic

Henry David Thoreau once remarked, "Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer" (Walden). After reading Walden I started thinking about my life and how it has passed by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday I was in 4th grade coloring turkeys for Thanksgiving. Now I'm a senior at Branford High School. Overall, High school was a fantastic experience; However, I have one regret about my high school experience; I was working too hard to truly enjoy it.

Throughout high school I placed all of my energy into preparing myself for future achievement. Now as I look back on my high school years, I wish I took the time to truly enjoy them. Instead I always focused on the future and obtaining success. At Freshman Orientation an older student told me "High school goes by so fast, enjoy it now because you can't re-do it later". Unfortunately, I did not heed his advice; but I'm not the only one in America who constantly focuses on the future. In fact, many Americans have made the same mistake I have. Mistakes like my own are made because nearly every aspect of American culture is focused on success and competition. This emphasis on success and competition has not only impeded our ability to slow down, to appreciate life but it has also created a class of people known as workaholics. Workaholics are people who have an impulsive desire to work in order to gain tangible success. Recently, I have realized that I myself am a workaholic.

I am the epitome of a workaholic. My desire to be successful pushes me constantly. I spend all of time doing homework, going to track practice, attending Model Congress meetings, working, practicing viola and filling out college applications. Overall, I enjoy working hard; but working hard has its consequences. Most nights I don't go to bed until 2 in the morning. In addition to my lack of sleep, my hectic schedule has caused me to grow apart from friends because I usually have no time to go out. Furthermore, when I receive a bad grade I dwell on it for weeks at a time because I am so driven to do well that anything that jeopardizes my success makes me feel the need to work harder. Finally, the stress that I'm experiencing is physically taking a toll on my body. Within last month I've lost a great deal of hair. I know that most people would consider working hard to get into college and succeed in life a good quality, but I would rather live in a cardboard box and be happy then have all the success in the world and be miserable.

Overall, I want to be able to change. I want to be able to slow down and enjoy all that life has to offer me because I don't want to die without fully enjoying my life. With the help of my brother and my parents I've started to remove some commitments from my schedule. I also reduced my hours at work so that I can have Sundays off. I know that these aren't major changes but I believe they will let me slow down and find time to enjoy myself while still achieving success and being involved in my community, as Thoreau thought necessary.

Undergraduate / "America's grip on my shoulders" - my indoctrination of American culture, patriotism [9]

Colleges don't want to read a negative essay.... I understand what you're trying to do but they're going to read that and be like who is this? esp. at Georgetown

Undergraduate / Passion For Design - Common App Essay [7]

Sorry...this may be a little brutal

Ever since I was young, at age ten, I toyed with graphics programs and with webpage coding i would change that to I have toyed with graphic programs and webpage coding since I was 10

I enjoyed it as a hobby and eventually realized that I had found my passion in life.
awakward change to Eventually I realized that I had found my passion in life

In ninth grade, I designed logos and miscellaneous graphics for a company that made internet games. I worked for them for a few months until the project was over. It was fun to immerse myself in the professional world; I was sending invoices out and signing contracts. I was also credited on the games with creating graphics. I took pride in this and hoped to continue to follow my passion.

This is just awakward in general...in the beginning you said that you're designing and then you're sending out invoices place all of what you did at the beginning of the paragraph and work from there

Expanding on this interest in design, I took to a new similar hobby...
Would say some thing like "after working for company x I decided to expand my horizions and take a video production class"

there is a lot more that needs to be edited really re-read this it's a great idea but the wiritng needs work I would suggest bringing this to and english teacher

also use a thesaurus and replace smaller words like fun with something like thrilling

Undergraduate / "America's grip on my shoulders" - my indoctrination of American culture, patriotism [9]

keep the first paragraph it's fantastic scratch the second it comes off quite negative
as for what you would replace it with that's up to you
oh and great vocab. use

Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

yeah I did think about but i complied a very large resume which is attached to my common app so there's really not a lot left to tell.

I did write another essay on my blood disorder and how that changed me but I but i already wrote about my brother's battle with cancer for my common-app essay so I didn't think that I should write about another life experiance of that magnitude