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"PANDA IN LOVE, a business leader" Uc prompt 2

j1ngye 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Hello everybody , please give comment about my essay please !

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

When I was sixteen years old, my friends and I, who all share the same passion for making things by hand, decided to develop our own brand of handbags called 'Panda in Love'. We wanted to know the sensation of working and gaining money by ourselves, independent of our parents. However in the end, I learned much more than that.

At the beginning, the process of making these handbags was going very slow because we made a lot of careless mistakes. We later realized that teamwork was necessary for us to succeed. We each have different skills and therefore decided to delegate the work. My strong area was painting so I used all of my artistic skills to make each bag unique. Of my two other friends involved, one designed and the other tailored. After that we seemed to be a real "factory".

After the production of the first bags, we encountered some selling problems. We needed to find a way to advertise our product. I began to think about how we could market our bags on different networking websites. To accomplish this, we first created a 'Panda in Love' profile on Facebook and added every person that we knew. I also proposed to print advertisements and paste them on school bulletin boards, at bus stops, etc. The results showed that my marketing strategy really worked! Many people left us messages on the website asking about the price of the bag as they were interested in buying them. Little by little, "Panda in love" became known throughout the whole school as well as the teenagers in my neighborhood. By way of the bag's popularity, we were able to earn money by our creation. More importantly, we learned many skills associated with small business and overcoming obstacles.

Today, I am really proud of this experience. I am eager to say that through this project I reached a real independency for the first time in my life. I learned many indispensable lessons of life from carrying out this project, for example problem-solving, responsibility, endeavor, and artistic expression. I have since then take advantage of integrating these lessons into my life to become the person who I am today."Panda in love" also allowed me to feel my first trill of success and to have the opportunity to be a business leader , an area that I am most interested in, because i am sure about one day in the future I will be a leading business woman who not just worth to my neighbourhood but also to this world .
brownhopeful 2 / 6  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
there are a lot of grammar mistakes and awkward sentances in here

At the beginning, the process of making these handbags was going very slow because we made a lot of careless mistakes- needs to be changed

there are a lot of others like this... re-read re-read re-read
Baeringer 1 / 11  
Dec 2, 2010   #3
"gaining money by ourselves"

gaining isn't quite the right word to use. how about "earning money on our own" or "earning money independent of our parents"

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