williethesilly
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "A lesson from my world, Taiwan"....UC Prompt 1 [4]
I made some changes to my essay...
My sister, who is at her age of twenty, was one of the victims under the stressful tradition on evaluating one's intellectual capacity in Taiwan. She has greatly suffered from the symptoms of melancholic because of her continued failure in studying. Thus, learning from past experience, my parents sent me to the United States to acquire a different meaning of education. After I left my hometown, my sister fell into mental sickness for the second time. Being far away from my family, I helplessly blame myself for my absence to accompany my sister. The only chance I saw her was the summer after my junior year, the time when she could neither recognize who I was nor continue her education. Tears of complex emotion burst out numerously, perhaps toward my parents' sacrifice, or perhaps toward the questionable academic environment in Taiwan that mentally destroyed a perfectionist suchlike my sister.
The second host family I have stayed with since I came to United States marked another "watershed" in my life. The person whom I live with is an African American woman, who was involved in the Civil Rights Movement in 1960s particularly for African American's equality under the leadership of Martin Luther King. From learning a distinct aspect of viewing the egalitarian America, I reconsidered what equality truly meant- each individual feels respected. There are people who routinely contesting fame and wealth while there are myriad of minorities who urge assistance. For pursuing a truth, I can be a leader, just like my host mother, rather than a follower. The first-hand experience my host mother shared with me provided me an enthusiasm to convey humanity instead of simply pulling others down and seeking my own benefit.
This is the last sentence....
By integrating diverse cultures, I expect myself to have not only accountability but also consistency toward morality and humanity.
To Hillary:
I have no idea what makes you feel what I wrote does not sound like who I am. Is it because how I describe it? Is it too dramatic or lack of description?
I tried to add more detail to my body paragraphs. Does that sound more "personal"??
And you said that my "main points aren't relevant to one another," but could explain it more specifically, such as how they are irrelevant.
I am taking all your suggestion seriously, hope to get your advice soon.=D
To Ye Hee:
I appreciate your advice, but it's sort of discouraging to me. Isn't the prompt about "the world I come from" and "how it has shaped me"? My original idea was to convey a progress in my life, saying how my first worldview changed to another worldview. I didn't recognize that it's typical, especially the experience of staying with an African American woman. I just wrote what I had really experienced without a lie. Would you kindly give me more specific suggestion on my second revision?
I made some changes to my essay...
My sister, who is at her age of twenty, was one of the victims under the stressful tradition on evaluating one's intellectual capacity in Taiwan. She has greatly suffered from the symptoms of melancholic because of her continued failure in studying. Thus, learning from past experience, my parents sent me to the United States to acquire a different meaning of education. After I left my hometown, my sister fell into mental sickness for the second time. Being far away from my family, I helplessly blame myself for my absence to accompany my sister. The only chance I saw her was the summer after my junior year, the time when she could neither recognize who I was nor continue her education. Tears of complex emotion burst out numerously, perhaps toward my parents' sacrifice, or perhaps toward the questionable academic environment in Taiwan that mentally destroyed a perfectionist suchlike my sister.
The second host family I have stayed with since I came to United States marked another "watershed" in my life. The person whom I live with is an African American woman, who was involved in the Civil Rights Movement in 1960s particularly for African American's equality under the leadership of Martin Luther King. From learning a distinct aspect of viewing the egalitarian America, I reconsidered what equality truly meant- each individual feels respected. There are people who routinely contesting fame and wealth while there are myriad of minorities who urge assistance. For pursuing a truth, I can be a leader, just like my host mother, rather than a follower. The first-hand experience my host mother shared with me provided me an enthusiasm to convey humanity instead of simply pulling others down and seeking my own benefit.
This is the last sentence....
By integrating diverse cultures, I expect myself to have not only accountability but also consistency toward morality and humanity.
To Hillary:
I have no idea what makes you feel what I wrote does not sound like who I am. Is it because how I describe it? Is it too dramatic or lack of description?
I tried to add more detail to my body paragraphs. Does that sound more "personal"??
And you said that my "main points aren't relevant to one another," but could explain it more specifically, such as how they are irrelevant.
I am taking all your suggestion seriously, hope to get your advice soon.=D
To Ye Hee:
I appreciate your advice, but it's sort of discouraging to me. Isn't the prompt about "the world I come from" and "how it has shaped me"? My original idea was to convey a progress in my life, saying how my first worldview changed to another worldview. I didn't recognize that it's typical, especially the experience of staying with an African American woman. I just wrote what I had really experienced without a lie. Would you kindly give me more specific suggestion on my second revision?
