Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud?
How does it relate to the person you are?
A significant episode in my life lay in the transformation from my sophomore year to junior year- coming to America and experiencing a brand new educational system. 6776 miles away from my hometown, I saw, heard, and felt this unique atmosphere in Los Angeles. Day by day, I aimed to adjust myself in this ineffable school life through participating school events and volunteering. Having been looking for self identity, I was enlightened by the opportunity to become a member in Student Leadership Counsel (SLC). I enjoy volunteering.
Toward the end of my junior year, I filled out the application for joining SLC as a "peer counselor" of the next school year. Weeks later, I was called to an interview with the school's principal and SLC counselor. During the ten-minute interview, I heard my own heartbeat, felt the sweat all over my palms, and lost the awareness to even change my position. Disappointed by my foolishness during the interview, I completely threw away the anticipation to get in SLC. However, to my surprise, I successfully got accepted.
Starting summer time, we had several meetings that urged us to draw up an agenda on what we would accomplish as a member in SLC in the next school year. In every week's meeting, I learned to be responsible for what I had promised to do, such as reminding students the SAT registration deadline, and making flyers that tells seniors what to do on college application. Because I myself was not an expert in counseling, I spent extra amount of time to ask and to research on this field beforehand. Despite fulfilling my own position, as a "leader" in the school, I sometimes volunteer for school events on weekends. For instance, I once promoted school's preschool as well as fund-raising program by passing out flyers in Chinese Festival. I enjoyed the connection with people because it broadened my knowledge that I would never see in any textbook.
Volunteering is essential for me since the experience has always supplied me with contentment and pleasure. Besides the price I need to pay to take part in helping, I grasp more on the privilege to witness real world and carry out my belief. It was not until I contributed to SLC did I undergo volunteering in practice and find out the meaning of life. Gradually, I found out the motivation for me to balance school work and extracurricular activities in fact directed me to be responsible and stay focus rather than surrendering myself to pressure. It reveals that I discover more about myself through other people. I am grateful for my opportunity to study in the U.S.; thus I insist on sharing my appreciation through volunteering.
I think I need help to eliminate some words. Did I answer the prompt correctly? Was my essay consistent? Welcome any comment and criticism!!!=) I will appreciate it.=D
Hi I-Han Yeh,
I really enjoyed reading your answer. Your writing skills are great. Also I think your answer well alligns with the prompt. I have only few suggestions for you. These suggestion hopefully would help you trimming down your word count ;
Starting summer time, we had several meetings that urged us to draw up an agenda on what we would accomplish as a member in SLC in the next school year.
In every week'sAt every meeting, I learned to be responsible for what I had promised to do, such as reminding students the SAT registration deadline, and making flyers that tells seniors what to do on college application. Because I myself was not an expert in counseling, I spent extra amount of time and effortto ask and to research on this field beforehandon this task . Despite fulfilling my own position, as a "leader" in the school, I sometimes volunteered for school events on weekends. For instance, I once promoted school's preschool as well as fund-raising program by passing out flyers in Chinese Festival.
I feel the rest should go to a new para to sum up what you've said before and give your conclusion;
I enjoyed the connectionconnecting with people because it helped gainbroadened my knowledge that I would never see inacquire from any textbook.
Further, vV olunteering is essential for me since the experience has always supplied me with contentment and pleasure.
Gradually, I found out the motivation for me toa balance of school work and extracurricular activities is the fact that motivated me and in factdirected me to be made me responsible and stay focus rather than surrendering myself to pressure . (This is implied and no need to stress again... also without it you can cut down the word count )
It reveals that I discover more about myself through other people.---------- great!!
Thank you SO MUCH...I really appreciate it!!
Here are some questions that I found out after I read through this essay again.
In the second paragraph...
"Disappointed by my foolishness during the interview, I completely threw away the anticipation to get in SLC." is there any grammatical error in this sentence??
In the last paragraph....I changed the sentence order, but i wonder if it still sounds logical. Also, should I keep the very last sentence? I think that sentence might be too random in the conclusion, or do you think it's fine since it still draws back to what I've said in the very first sentence of the whole essay??
It was not until I contributed to SLC did I undergo volunteering in practice and find out the meaning of life. . I enjoyed connecting with people because it helped gain knowledge that I would never acquire from any textbook. Besides the price I need to pay to take part in helping, I grasp more on the privilege to witness real world and carry out my belief. Further, volunteering supplied me with contentment and pleasure. It reveals that I discover more about myself through other people. I am also grateful for my opportunity to study in the U.S.; therefore I insist on sharing my appreciation through volunteering.
Thank you for your advice again=)
I am not such a great grammer person as well. So I dont feel there's anything drastically wrong with the sentence of your second paragraph. However see my suggestion below;
"Being disappointed byover my foolishnesspoor performance atduring the interview, I completely threw away theanticipation to getall hopes ofgetting injoining SLC."
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud?
How does it relate to the person you are?
As for the prompt, I think your last sentence does not contribute or add anything to what it really expects. In my view, your conclusion should explain how volunteering experience relate to your personality. I think you've already done it in the last paragraph. Therefore you can be without the last sentence which, I personally feel, kind of disturbing your flow. Wait for other's feedback as well. They may hold a different idea.
