Undergraduate / "Cross Country was never my sport" common app extracurricular Elon University Essay [6]

ok, ive changed this a lot and would love more opinions on it now. Im not sure how well if flows or if the ending fits at all. Also if it relates to the prompt well enough. Thanks for the help!

If you had $5,000 to start a business or non-profit organization, what would you do? Why? Who would benefit?
I walked down the aisles shed-style barns that stretched in parallel lines to each other for what had to be a mile or more, peering over the gate keepers at the resting thoroughbreds. Some thin as rails, obviously sick and lame. Some with fancy leather halters, groomed, hayracks filled with fresh alfalfa, shiny metal tack trunks sitting outside their stalls, waiting for their time at the start gate, for their opportunity to make their owners fortunes. I was not interested in these starts-to-be. They would live good, happy lives for the remainder of their years. It was the sick and tired that i paid special attention to. I walked from barn to barn with my friend, finding people who looked as though they belonged and asking if they had any horses that weren't good runners and that they were looking to give away or sell for cheap. This was the business. We met all sorts of characters in the first leg of our journey. Old men who would not shake our hands because we were "those fancy hunter people". Horses that desperately needed an out from this life style for if not, after a few more failed races they would surely be led straight onto a double-decker tractor trailer where they would be shipped to Canada for slaughter. Sold for their weight in meat.

Finally after searching for months, my opportunity for me to fulfill my dream came in in the form of a free, four year old grey gelding with remnants of a cracked knee. Jet went from not knowing the basic signals to walk or turn to a blossoming super star in just a year's time. Now he is on the market and I have entered into a business agreement with my coach where we both contribute towards the common goal of retraining ex-racehorses, giving them a second chance in life.

With $5,000, I would further this project. Horse's expenses add up very quickly and having that extra money would be an excellent cushion that would give us the confidence we need to branch out to more animals that could benefit from our program. My parents are only so willing to give their money to a cause where there is no guaranteed outcome of success or profit, so funding is often scarce. With that sum of money we could cover grain for our animals, new equipment, horse show fees, etc. all of which help us to better market our horses so we gain a larger profit and have more money to put back into them. With the guaranteed revenue that would come from this, we could even take on new project horses. In the past we've had numerous prospective projects but have had to turn them all away because of the uncertainty of the market that we are dealing with. Adding another horse would be money taken away from the horses that we currently have and that is not a sacrifice that is worth taking. Five thousand dollars would give us the edge we needed to take our business to a further level.

The impact of the benefit from our business spans far beyond the profit that we could make from selling these horses. Perusing the stalls at the racetrack, looking in at the forlorn horses filled me with a feeling of duty. They wanted a second chance; they deserved it, their eyes begged for an opportunity to try something different before their fate was set. I could do that for them. I had to. Our program gives these horses not only another chance to be successful, but another chance at life.

Though I am only seventeen and my dreams for this project span far beyond what I am capable of, it is that far-fetched, stretch of the imagination has kept me committed. Yes, money for our efforts will always be scarce; it will always be a struggle. No, I will probably never get renowned recognition for what I am doing. The profits from this business will never add up to be anything less than enough to barely break even. I will not stop the horse slaughter industry. I will go to college next year, be away from horses and this dream of mine will probably fade as so many do. What will linger forever though is what I've learned about the impact that our dreams have on us. No- they will probably never come true in the Disney, happily ever after format that we all crave but without that initial spark we do not know how far we can go, what we are truly capable of.

Undergraduate / "Cross Country was never my sport" common app extracurricular Elon University Essay [6]

Cross Country was never my sport. I am a former gymnast and horseback riding is my passion. I was urged to join the cross country team by my friends but i always refused, afraid of being the worst on the team, afraid of failure. Eventually out of boredom and curiosity i mustered up all my courage and went to the first summer practice. When the coach saw me she immediately instructed me to run the farthest distance of anyone there. After that I quickly surpassed all my teammates who had been doing this for years. My coach even put an article in the newspaper about me being Glass's best runner. Then, my teammates elected me captain. Everything was going great. I continued to excel until an injury held me back, but that didn't take away from the experience at all. I had been terrified to fail, tried anyways, and excelled.

Undergraduate / "Sneak Out and Explore" - Common App Essay [3]

I think this is really good. I would just enter it under the topic you have picked out. I think it fits very well. Its very unusual and memorable. I was skeptical at first of why you were telling this to a college and how it would turn into a positive thing, but you did a great job!

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "How does the world manage to make all of our experiences into" topic of your choice [4]

I posted this earlier but now i've revised and edited it. Please tell me what you think!
I would love opinions on the end of this. Im not sure how well it relates to the overall meaning of the essay... let me know what you think! thanks.

Undergraduate / Influential person (mother and my own carelessness) - common app essay [3]

You need a better introduction. Starting out saying that youve been treated as an equal to your siblings doesnt really work because youve provided the reader with nothing to think the contrary. Its almost like youre stating the obvious.

I like your second paragraph, it more describes your mothers impact on you, but it is kind of randomly thrown in. Maybe use that as an introduction instrad of what you have now? just an idea.

Once you work on the introduction i think the paper will flow more. Right now it all just seems a bit choppy and random.

You have a great topic. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning [4]

I like the quote at the beginning and i think its very appropriate however, as the essay went on you faded to more just naming what OSU is, and they already know those things. You should keep your focus more on why they should pick you and how you're a good match for them. The beginning was memorable. The rest was a very typical essay of this type.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

This is really excellent. Good Job. Im so sorry for your loss but you did an amazing job capturing her in this essay. Best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / How Cross Country changed my life (150 words)- activity statement [3]

"As I began my run through the early morning frost, I realized that it was my favorite run of the week." change that it was my, to i realized that this was my favorite run of the week.

"imagined waking up early on a Saturday, let alone running" say: let alone to run. It makes this more concise.

hope this helps
good luck :)