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Posts by LedZeppelin
Joined: Dec 11, 2010
Last Post: Dec 21, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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LedZeppelin   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Engineering and intramural sports, extracurricular paths do you see yourself at Penn? [3]

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

As a high school student in an urban district, I have had the privilege of participating in many extra-curricular activities; some through school and some through community programs. I expect Penn to provide me with many more extra-curricular activities throughout my four years there because of the great pool of resources, and surrounding area. I will actively look for opportunities on Locust Walk and beyond.

The list of available student organizations that I have reviewed appears to be more than I could ever imagine. My interest in Penn engineering has lead me to discover the 30 organizations available for engineering students, including Communitech which would very much appeal to me because it allows me to interact with youth and have a positive outcome on the community. Another engineering activity that I found very appealing was Penn Electric Racing; I love cars and the prospect of "designing, building, and racing clean energy vehicles" sounds to be a good fit for me. The large number of outside the classroom engineering opportunities surprised me and gave me a great want to join them.

In addition to opportunities in engineering, I would like to get involved in intramural sports. Although I lack any serious athletic skill I look to have some fun with others in the same athletic situation as myself. On the opposite spectrum of sports, I also would like to get involved with student government; I am all about working collectively to better a group as a whole. I would be very grateful to attain any position in undergraduate student government. If any bid for student government fails, I will look to work in a Penn Student Agency. Gaining work experience while keeping the University running smoothly would be a very rewarding and beneficial experience.

Many of my volunteer hours have been filled working with youth; and I have loved every second of it. The West Philadelphia tutoring project grabbed my attention because I like working with kids of all ages, and I love learning, which I would like to pass on to any student I would tutor. Similarly to the tutoring project, the Penn Big Brothers Big Sisters program also appeals to me. The number that jumped out to me was "over 1,000 children mentored by a Penn undergraduate in Philadelphia schools." Such a large program indicates success, and I am eager to join it. I know that I am a very privileged middle-class citizen compared to the countless low-income families in the United States alone, and that is the reason I should help at least one child to ensure their bright future. The ability of Penn to provide me with such opportunities created my confidence in it to provide me with the best "college" experience possible, one in which I give all I can and become a better person because of it.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Confidence; H.I.M and I co-founded our very own volunteering group' - influential [4]

Great story, just left me feeling a little unsure about what was going on for awhile. The personal change is very evident, but is a little fuzzy compared to the beginning, which has clear direction. If you can relate H.I.M. and your changes more to the whole essay to have a cohesive flow than you have a very unique and effective essay.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

Very good modifications, it gets the message across well. I think the thing that threw me off about the third paragraph was the fact that you asked three questions in a row, all pertaining to the same subject, if you can only ask one question there and sum up everything else you're saying then it'll be awesome
LedZeppelin   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / *Very Selective* Jerome Fisher Program In Management & Technology- UPenn [3]

Discuss your interest in combining management and technology. How might Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in business and engineering help you to meet your goals? Please be sure to address the nature and extent of your interests in both business and engineering.

In The Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith discusses at great length the fact that the division of labor is "the greatest improvement in the productive powers" ever achieved. In 1776 this fact held true, a growing capitalist market and many promising routes for industry made it so. The world of 2010 is vastly different however; and it sets new specifications for how laborers should be qualified. While Smith stated one person should know one trade to work effectively, modern society demands that a qualified laborer be skilled in multiple trades. Two of the most prevalent industries in the contemporary world are engineering and business; one creates the world while the other manages it, a truly symbiotic duo.

The prospect of engineering and business combining first occurred to me when I was perusing through an article about delays in F-35 jet orders. Deadlines that were set for their production to be complete were years overdue, and progress seemed unlikely. It then occurred to me that the problem could very well be a lack of fluid communication and cooperation between the engineers and business administrators in the company. Almost every business that produces and sells a tangible product has engineers and business administrators who operate under the same roof; this creates a need for the two factions to work together. The issue at hand appears to be lack of ability of the two groups to diplomatically interact. Engineers speak one language while business men and women speak another. I have enough experience in both fields to understand some of the problems that both sides have to grapple with. Engineering must create a product or enhance it to the highest quality possible, while business administrators must market and sell it. Either faction can put strains on another, engineering demanding resources for production, and business setting deadlines. It is vital to the survival of any company to have clear and concise lines of communication between the two very different but essential groups. The demand for such ability has me searching for specifications to do such a task; because it is clear that a smoothly running company needs such employees.

Serving as the facilitator between engineering and business is very appealing to me because of my interest in both fields. Technology has fascinated me since I was a child, and I seek to continue this interest into the field of engineering. Engineers have been working since the early days of civilization, and are a requirement for any organization to run well. From crunching numbers to understanding global economy, I find business fascinating because it is the main medium in which the world operates today. It has proven to be the industry of the last few centuries, and since its rise to the top, it shows no signs of slowing. Being able to operate in the competitive capitalist society of today is a crucial skill, and a degree in business is the premier way to achieve this. Penn's dual-degree program appears to be the solution for the problems that plague many companies. Having the ability to boast degrees in both engineering and business from Penn would be a powerful ally when it came to applying for any position. The preparation the Wharton school of business can give is unparalleled; the ranking of the school as best undergraduate business program in the country for seventeen years straight proves that no other business degree could compliment my résumé in such a booming fashion. In addition to a degree from Wharton, earning an a bachelor of science in engineering from the School of Engineering and Applied Science would provide me with the ability to take on any engineering task. The school's high ranking proves to me that the privilege of earning degrees from both divisions of Penn would prepare me for the job market in a way that no other university can match.

The new challenges of the world are numerous and metastasizing, but well qualified individuals must step up and take the reins instead of waiting for someone else to do so. The qualifications that Penn can provide me would give me the ability to take a position as leader in the world of engineering and business that is in dire need of direction.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

"This exploit using religion as an excuse for violence disturbs me deeply."- Maybe "This exploitation of religion" insteadThen be sure to have some sort of closer, maybe something like "I seek to change it", just something to make sure it flows

" in which he or she lives or has lived"- a little heavy on the "he and she" by this point

"almost all of us will say that our religion is correct"- This is one of the more tense topics without a doubt, so try to stay away from almost all of us, anything like "some people will say that their religion is correct"

Good message at the end of the second paragraph

"What misunderstanding you ask?"- Nice way to relate, but a little to formal here, how about "A misunderstanding can be ..." then jump over to religion

Third paragraph you get your point across without having to say it so many times, move to your more universal topic at the end. This is a good topic, but make sure you don't hammer your topics in, it's a little touchy at times.

Add a bit more of a hopeful tint to the end, and with your great quote, you should be good to go
LedZeppelin   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Give me a lever big enough and I'll move the world"- Yale Engineering Essay [4]

As the initial shots of Apollo 13 lifting off came across the screen my jaw dropped, eyes widened, and brain took off. My dad and I had watched the movie many times and the 1970 high-tech gear that graced the screen and drew my seven-year old attention span was unforgettable. The space shuttle control panels looked to be a playground to me, my heart's one desire was to sit in the pilot's seat and manipulate every single panel. For the entire duration of my memory I have been fascinated with technology, buttons, switches, and remotes; anything that functions while plugged into a socket. As I grew older my interest in electronics metastasized into a full blown love for applied science. I took up the reigns of Sound Operator for my church, a position I had set my sights on ever since seeing the soundboard, reminiscent of the Shuttle controls I had coveted so long ago. Popular Mechanics and Science soon found their way to my hands and filled my head with grand dreams of promising new technology. The prospect that other scientists and engineers were advancing the world with their work enthralled me.

The world has transformed so vastly from the work of scientists and engineers in the last century that an information graduates enter the job market with is already outdated, the progress is terrifying but ever so appealing I see a world in which technological change is the fastest it has ever been; however this should be regarded as Tom Hanks utters in Apollo 13, "it's no miracle, we just decided to go." Engineering is defined as the practical application of science and mathematics, and that very application has moved the world since the days of ancient Mesopotamia. Archimedes proclaimed "give me a lever big enough and I'll move the world", this is precisely what the art of engineering provides, a lever to manipulate the world. The world that is constantly changed and controlled is done by engineers, and they form an integral part of society at the very base. From towering buildings of Dubai and the Large Hadron Collider, to BMW and Boeing all machines have been contributed to in some way by engineers. The beating drum of progress will not cease and no matter how far it takes us the ride will be provided by engineers. These are the facts that have fueled my interest in engineering, Egypt to Rome, China to America, engineering is the first step that is taken by any society towards prosperity.

I have had the privilege of taking the class Principles of Engineering at my high school. In it I have been exposed to countless engineering concepts, and this has greatly expanded my understanding of the field. We have covered Mechanical and Structural Engineering, and will soon move to computer science related engineering. Primitive circuits and bridge design programs have kept me glued to the class, looking forward to it at the end of every day. The very thought process required has been so radically different from every other class and I have been amazed by it. Strict class schedules are thrown out the window, no regimented daily routine; simply an assigned task, and materials provided. Then the green light flashes Go! My critical thinking and problem solving skills have been greatly augmented by Principles of Engineering.

Yale's engineering program appeals to me because of the opportunities it offers. Yale is one of the premier institutions in the world, a fact as well know as the color of the sky, and as respected as the power of the sun. Such recognition is only attained through excellence with distinction, and that is what I see Yale providing me with. In addition to the reputation, Yale houses such facilities as the Malone Engineering Center, which I have found to be one of the most aesthetically pleasing and brilliant buildings I have seen. Brandishing the top instructors and curriculums, I see no other alternative when searching for a school to provide me with an unsurpassed degree in engineering, Yale University.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "a simple trip up to Calgary with my brother, uncle, and aunt" - experience [3]

I willingly spent this previous summer 1,674 miles away from my home, without showering or sleeping in a stable structure for four days straight. People say that company is everything, and the company I had during that four day span was the best, the Canadian Rockies.

It sounded to be a simple trip up to Calgary with my younger brother, uncle, and aunt. We were to spend some quality time in Banff National Park trekking through the mountains. I had never been in the Range before, and was looking forward to climbing the giants of the earth. The trip had a rocky start, an anonymous airline called United lost our luggage for the full eight days we were staying. The loss of our luggage was infuriating, having all of our possessions stripped away led to my quiet temper flaring up, but we made it through with an exhausted optimistic attitude. I certainly learned that improvisation resulting from setbacks can lead to the most interesting times. Overjoyed, my brother and I had the privilege of wearing our middle-aged uncle's clothing around a metropolitan city while searching for equipment to use. We finally gathered up what we would need to survive the Rockies, a modest $600 worth of equipment. Despite embarrassment, walking around in a University Professor's shirt, detailed with over 15 different pictures of animal scat, proved to be more fun than wearing the clothes we had packed in the lost luggage.

Before the day of departure, I had caught a few glimpses of the Rocky Range, off to the West. It was mysterious. After living in the flat Midwest, I found myself flabbergasted that the towering majestic rocks were just off in the distance, mere triangles on a clear day. Before leaving, we toured the wild Canadian suburbs; they were gloomy, rainy, and depressing, indicative of the trip as a whole thus far. However, the day we set off, the sun came roaring through the bedroom window, it was time to go. We loaded the backpacks and boarded the rusty old cars. Dwelling on the crappy trip that was behind me so far would have done nothing, I had bigger things to look forward to, a whole chain of them.

As we headed due west in the mid-life crisis aged Honda Civic, the tiny triangles I had gazed at before began to grow, and as they grew larger, so did my eyes. The passing plains of Alberta did not exist to me anymore, I was locked straight ahead. Modeling my father, I whipped out the camera and began taking pictures with the madness of a man who was about to lose sight. The effect that the rocks had on me was unparalleled, unexplainable by any standard. They called my name, and I obliged by taking yet another picture of them. The pinnacles reached for the sky, rising above all other things; they were the perfect combination of strength and beauty. It is unbelievable what the world has to show if you pay attention.

The final voyage to the new world was in a bus service that had shocks like solid steel on a road that fashioned more craters than the moon. After we bounced about for what felt like an eternity, we arrived at the site. I was delighted to see we were located right next to a mountain; I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. My brother and I spent all the time we could scrutinizing every last inch of the jagged mountain. We stared. Any memory of technology quickly began to fade; I was deeply embedded in a mountain range, and it was stunning. The first thing I learned from the Rockies was that, contrary to popular belief, you do not need modern society to be happy. The second thing I learned was a much more tangible lesson; you also don't need indoor plumbing to survive.

Regimented schedules evaporated each day we went out hiking through the gorgeous wilderness. As we ascended and descended treacherous and rocky slopes, as we turned corner after corner to a view that you would find on a postcard, time was never an issue. I would liken the camp we were at to a detox center; a place to go and let the fast pace of society seep out of you, until you could take your time, breathe easy, and enjoy your perfect surroundings.

When it came time to leave I could not bring myself to do it. I had grown too attached to the culture of the campground. Wake up early; eat a hearty meal in which everything tasted the same. Then go hiking for six plus hours a day and snap as many pictures as possible, but hope that your mind can hold even more. The hikes back to camp were always the best. I would find myself happily exhausted, my body ached from all the punishment the rocks could dole out, but I returned to camp, happy to see the mountain, like an old friend. Through all uncertainty, they stood tall.

It was 12:01am on July 24th; I was sitting back in my Uncle's house on Facebook and as a newly christened 17 year old. I saw the world through a different paradigm, because I knew; life is good as long as you know what matters, and enjoy it no matter what happens.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "When the ride finally moved..." - write about your last two summers [4]

If the prompt is truly as open ended as you have stated, then good job. Great vocabulary

In the beginning I suggest you add more life to the interactions, descriptors ect. Right now I feel as if it is rather rudimentary, another conversation like any other, you were excited for this one, make the writing scream that to me.

"Even though I was extremely cold" is sort of redundant because you already mentioned that

"I became fearful after seeing the height at which the ride dropped and decided not to get on it" seems to be off from you character so far, a little too rigid

If there is no length requirement I would add more without a doubt, great character though, liven it up a little more and you'll be good to go
LedZeppelin   
Dec 11, 2010
Undergraduate / A Somali refugee who inspired me; volunteering (Common app essay) [3]

I like the message a lot, it really adressesses the prompt well.

Try not to answer the prompt so directly in the first scentence.
"I was selfish and did not believe that I have the ability to engage myself in the society to make a difference"- I was selfish takes away from focus of this, the preceeding, and following scentence

Make sure the rest of the essay flows, some ideas seem to be interjected in where they shouldn't be, however,

I helped him from learning the alphabets , to writing his own name with correct spelling toand reading children's novels together- Together at the end seems to come out of nowhere.

He starred Stared at? his legs for a while. At that moment I was at alooloss for words.

He also expressed expectationanticipation for the education he would be receiving in America.

I still remember the moment Mamo saidspoke about his dream.

though too old and faced with many adversities,

You have a great message here, make some more changes and make sure it flows, then your excellent ending will shine through well.
LedZeppelin   
Dec 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Yale Essay, Something about you admissions might not get from the rest of application [5]

My close friends and I form a sort of scalene triangle that looks and acts very strangely. Doug, Tom and I and form the three sides, each being very different from each other. All logic, all laws of the universe dictate that we should collapse; in fact, we should implode, but we have been best friends since fourth grade. The adhesive that holds us together works on the same principle of magnets, opposites attract.

Tom forms the oddest side, the short one. He is a man of strategy, strength, and ingenuity. Always the first to attack, he embodies an aggressive spirit while maintaining his innovative, outside of the box thinking. Don't stand in the way of Tom, but otherwise feel free to join in on the radical discussions he is always having.

Doug connects to Tom to create the top two sides of our Triangle. He is a fierce, independent spirit showing a total lack of care for anything not pertaining to him. He is the guy to scream "every man for himself!" Doug has a rancorous temper, and a foul mouth that comes hand in hand with it, but he has been a great friend since first grade

I form the base of the triangle and it's a feat only done with some Krazy Glue and willpower. I bring Tom and Doug together as their opposites. I never look for violence or physical aggression, I am the one who asks "why can't we be friends?." To Doug's amusement I form the base as a parent for the two of them. I am always the first to make a quip about his driving, and am the first to shake my head in disbelief for a dirty joke. To Tom I form the base as an anchor, pulling his outside the atmosphere thinking down to earth. I gladly take the load as the base, being nice when they are cruel, and calm when they are infuriated. It can sometimes feel like the weight Atlas had to shoulder, but that is what friendship is, we can all help carry that load.

The triumvirate has stood through thick and thin, as we grew older, the bonds grew stronger. Tom has kept us entertained and lively, Doug has kept us laughing and interesting, and I have kept us all together despite my grand changes. While Doug and Tom are the same two guys I knew in eighth grade, I look in the mirror and wonder who looks back. My quiet side left and my intellectual side stayed. My passive approach to life transformed into a vigorous one. That philosophy is what has kept us all in the Triangle for so long, it holds fast, and mixes with all that Tom and Doug have to say or do. Have fun, be nice, and take it easy. All little sound bites of the way I behave. These bits hold together the glorious band of brothers that is Tom, Doug, and myself.
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