Undergraduate /
"An Environmental Architect" - Motivation essay [4]
I, An Environmental Architect,
is now interested in studying human rights, It's not common for architect to study human rights but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them .
* take away "An Environmental Architect" the sentence states:
I is now.
Try: I
am now interested.
After human rights put a period. Start a new sentence.
It's not common for architect
s to study human rights
The double use of them doesn't allow the sentence to flow.Reword:
but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them.
*avoid using the word "They" and "their" use oneself, or individuals
Architecture shape
s human behavior, it gives individuals the right
s to live
& and interact with the community
&along with the right to protect
oneself and the surrounding environmentI changed this to active voice. You are using a lot of passive (past tense)
For example:An example of this is my graduation project. The concept is "Activating a social disability", I proveby my studies a slum area called Ezbet el Hagana to be socially disabled & deprived of its rights to exist thus no political value based on The Cantril Ladder Scale they are suffering.* the sentence in red needs to be re written it is very confusing and hard to understand.
According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
these people don't have the very basic human Physiological Needs like food, water, a proper shelter to sleep & a place for activity.
* What people? Try: the people of ______
* Try using do not instead of abbreviations (don't)
* stop using the & symbol. Use the word and.
* the sentence is also un parallel try: food to eat, water to drink, shelter to sleep, and space to exercise.
Here comes the role of architecture to provide them with their rights by understanding the problems & searching for solutions that are culturally accepted, putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.
* "Here comes" is slang, try:
the role Architecture plays, provides the ______ people with rights through the understanding of the problems and the search for solutions that the culture accepts.* I also changed this sentence into active voice.
Start a new sentence:
putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.
Put in mind this quote ... Through this I decided to create the active wall, this active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area of Ezbet El Hagana and the project* lose the quotation marks
Its the placeThe wall is where
people who are socially disabled socially disabled persons enter to the project
where theyand find the basic needs such as :
clean water (el sabil),
employment opportunities,
a training centre,
consoling centre,
a rehabilitation centre,
a health clinic,
and a community centre
with a place for events e.g.: weddings & engagements, & a craft centre.* not sure what consoling is
* I'm assuming there is only one centre so add the word a infront of them.
Also, this active wallThis active wall alsoincludes some small sports that can be used daily to release the negative power like boxing & table tennis. It's called active
as when the people who are socially disabled enter they will be forced to interact in an active healthy way.
* The sentence highlighted in red is awkward.
It is called the active wall because when the people with social disabilities enter they are forced able to interact in a healthy and active way* the use of the word forced gives the sentence a negative connotation
I have this vision
aboutfor shaping the community,
a vision where
"Allall human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. Freedom to choose
and be responsible for
your their choices,
the r ight to be accepted
and loved unconditionally,
and d ignity to be productive at all ages.
* or try " I have
a vision
to*if this is a quote and you wish to change the wording (i strongly suggest you do) then use square brackets around the words you have changed.
rejected people by the communitypeople rejected by the community can find a shelter to live and function
which in turn creates ...
By rejected people I mean
abused individuals , pre-marriage pregnant women, divorced women, homeless women, elder people , disabled people, orphaned children, and homeless and street children.* you have to connect the adjective to a person ex: homeless= homeless women or homeless
peopleIn this Modern Family, elder people will mentor and help
by theirthroughpast experience
s. T he women and children will gain respect
and feel productive in one way or another. The abused people will find inner healing
through community service for the
needy children children in need
and the elder people.
The place there will not only help the reject people but engage them with the community as it will have a school, craft center, a training center & a clinic opened to everyone.
* rearrange sentence try:
The ________ will help the rejected individuals and implement them into the community through the school, craft centre, training pool, and health clinic open to all.
* The sentence below in red is random and disrupts the flow of the essay. This is another point all together that needs additional sentences to support it.
The desire to live a sustainable life through the use of solar & wind energy, recycling & organic desert plantation.* the sentence below needs to be rewritten because it makes no sense
There is a quote "you are never free unless you have your own food", plant what you'll eat & sell or store the extra.AtIn the end, I
just wantwish to make this change in the community,
to remove this proverb from Egypt "unfairness on all people is fairness" help them understand their value & the rights . this is what means the most to me.
* re arrange the Egypt sentence in red it is awkward
* STOP using the symbol &
* Use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence
* The last sentence is good BUT awkward rearrange it
The overall points of the essay are excellent how ever this is an admissions essay and it is going to be read by professors who expect top writing skills. I would hate to see these wonderful points go to waste. You need to read this essay aloud. If you had done this you would have caught a lot of the mistakes. I spent a lot of time editing this and I hope you do as well. Make sure to re read it three times then take a day off and re read it again. Say it aloud at least twice and see if it makes sense. Avoid using slang as well. Remember this is your future put in the effort.
