Essays / "A New Beginning" - Common App essay [11]

On the whole, a good essay. You deal with something tough and personal without asking for pity, and that's an accomplishment.

There were two sentences that stuck a little bit; first, the kite in the first paragraph was a little odd - its a good metaphor, but I wasn't sure at first whether you'd actually fallen off a roof or not.

Secondly, the practice of face saving in a closed society - does that mean you would have lost face if you worked? It's not quite clear to me...

Last, the final sentence (which is an excellent one) should read "I, Bilal Mahmood, have learned to live."

Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Vegas Multiculturalism - my community [3]

If you're looking to give it that something extra... hmm.

You say Vegas, that immediately speaks of sparkle and glamour to a total outsider (like me). Maybe because of that influence, I might encourage you not to follow any bright-lights cliches, but to jump the language up a few notches. You could throw in a few more adjectives and make the piece more descriptive - the descriptions you use give personality to Vegas, which makes it interesting.

I might take out or replace a number of words that slow it slightly. Take these recommendations with a pinch of salt, but some of them might make a difference.

"lures people in with dreams of" --> remove 'in'
"is home to one" --> is one / hosts one (less wordy)
"a few moments to recognize it all around" --> a minute to recognise it
"I immediately spot " --> do something about "immediately" (it slows the sentence)

The rest of that paragraph moves well. Basically, what I'm suggesting is to make the piece as fast-paced as possible, without formality or wordiness. This might not be the impression you want to give, but it could add a bit of vivre, liveliness, to the piece.

Undergraduate / "My talent is communication" - Rutgers College [3]

United States! Not Untied! :S

Otherwise, it flows quite well :) The last sentence, if it's true, is great :) (Just, don't say it and then apply to Harvard or something :P)

Anyway, the only change that I might really suggest - because it sounds like a structured and coherant essay - would be to make it a little bit more focused on Rutgers. However, I think you show why you care about community and what you might give back very well.

Undergraduate / "DARLING, I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH YOU." - special talent, experience [8]

Mm, I like the idea!

If you're worried about vulgarness - taking it too far - I have two suggestions that stand out. First, I'd take the title and put it in the first line (not a line of its own) and get rid of the capitals. You could also, perhaps, revise the first paragraph a little bit to make the parallels between a boyfriend and Sociology clear; at the moment, they sound too much boyfriend and not quite as much Sociology. Maybe say that a specific aspect of sociology makes it "high maintenance" and another makes it frown on lapsing concentration. By the end of the paragraph, though, you're fine.

The only other line that stuck out as an odd note was referring to your "ex-boyfriend". The metaphor of love works best in terms of falling in love with a subject; taking subjects as honest boyfriends sounds odd. So, I would leave it at being "smitten" with mathematics and take out the phrase about the ex-boyfriend.

I would also be very, very careful with the line about real relationships, starting with "difficulty forging new relationships and blending in and became a misanthrope who shunned society and sought for solitude". You're walking a very thin line there, because it would be easy to misinterpret the essay and get real relationships and metaphorical relationships with subjects mixed up. When you talk about real relationships, try not to imply anything romantic at all in them or you will be vulgar (talking about subjects as boyfriends is funny, talking about real boyfriends sounds inappropriate). On the other hand, bringing that bit in and reminding us that sociology really IS about relationships makes the metaphor much better :)

Finally, I like the last sentance :) Good luck with your essay - keep it original!