Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Fpoz
Joined: Dec 24, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: Venezuela

Displayed posts: 8
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Fpoz   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Jumping off cliffs" - Pomona supplement essay, fun experience [2]

Well I like how you're writing but I believe doing this sort of change to tell a story will be amazingly helpful or catastrophic.

close to the ending you use three dots (...) with a colloquial use which doesn't really apply to essays of this type.. I think you should change it for a comma

loved the story, very descriptive. You could be a great writer
Fpoz   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / mechanical engineer + premarital relationships + business partner + ECYD - Syracuse [6]

I pledge your help :) thanks

1.Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?

I first found out about Syracuse University while doing a college search on the Collegeboard website. I added it to my options immediately and started doing more research. So I found out a friend was studying civil engineering and he told me the engineering school was simply amazing. So I got even more interested. I looked into the athletics department and I know I would be a perfect fit for your swimming team. I guess there's more than one source of information and that's why Syracuse is my number one choice, not only to fulfill my dream to become a successful mechanical engineer but also to achieve my Olympic dream.

2.Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?

One month ago I attended a lecture on premarital relationships. Many topics where discussed but the point was to explain how to build the base for a healthy marriage instead of a possible divorce. The man giving the lecture said one thing that had a bigger impact on me than what it probably should have had. He told us he knew that if he asked us how we saw each one of us 20 years from now, over ninety percent of us would say something like, "married, with children, working happily", and we would be wrong. He said most of us are not able to achieve success. Well I know I dream of becoming a successful engineer, a person known as a giver, a hard-working person who doesn't wait for things to fall in place, a great swimmer. But most of all, I dream of happiness. Happiness that can only be attained by having Syracuse help me achieve my goals, and become the person I dream of becoming.

3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?

I was a business partner with 3 friends in a music business. I was the main DJ. We did all sorts of events not only night parties, we also did engagement parties and graduations. While in my three years in the business I learned about investment, partnership, but most of all handling myself in difficult situations. This work taught me that things can go wrong at any point and you have to maintain focus and be ready for anything that might occur.

4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

In my life, helping other people is one of my top priorities. My friends often say I give too much thought to other people's needs and I don't take care of myself. I am part of a Catholic Youth World Network's branch, called ECYD. Part of the things I do with my team there include, collecting food for the poor, teaching religion to young kids, planning charity fund-raiser events, and other things. I have also done over 150 hours of community service, but I don't think any of these are what matters. The little things that people don't mention are the most important ones, such as helping out a friend with a problem, or cleaning your brother's bedroom because he's sick and you want to help him. These kind of things really don't stand out on their own, but altogether they make you a really great person. I wish to help as much as I can everywhere in the university. I'd like to make a special impact on your swimming team, which I wish it will help me achieve my Olympic Dream; giving it my best all of the time I'd love to make my country's team for the London 2012 Olympics, and showing my orange SU colors in a NCAA Championship Meet.
Fpoz   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Oprah Winfrey + Winter Break + Programs - Syracuse Short Answer [3]

You really improved your answers on that second post

Cashier... it's not a really hard job since all you have to do is take the order and then charge the customer.

I'd lose those three points and change the sentence to something like Being a cashier isn't the hardest job around,

that sentence would seem a little bit harsh but you really did great later in that answer
Fpoz   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "I started swimming when I was 7" - influential person, Syracuse University [7]

On the subject of: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence"

Throughout my entire life the people who have had the biggest impact on my life are those who are the closest to me. I've never had a famous person as a role model, even though I do admire some icons such as Michael Phelps. My mom, above everyone, is the person who has helped me the most, with school and with my swimming. She always raised me to be the best I could be.

Why does she have an impact on my life? First of all, she gave birth to me; I've come to think that's quite enough, but she didn't. So she took the trouble, even though she already did it with my older brother and sister, of taking me to my first day of school, helping me study, if I ripped my pants she would fix them the next day, she simply completed my life, and I never appreciated her as much as I should have because she did all of these things without me asking her to do it. It's some kind of instinct she had so she would always know what I needed, and she would make that her number one priority. Not long ago I really noticed all she did, and I can't write down how much I appreciate it.

I started swimming when I was 7 and from that day she stood by me. If I did good she would congratulate me if I didn't she would help me do right what I did wrong. She taught me to be strong but at the same time humble and helpful. In hard times my mom would hear out my problems and then tell me just what I had to hear. Thanks to her I learned not to give up. I can't explain the sense of comfort I had when she was around, everything was done without me knowing, and I couldn't complain. The most amazing thing is that she managed to do this and at the same time she made me a mature, independent person. She also taught English in college which, even though she was paid a misery, she would give it her all every day.

I can't sum up everything she means to me, not only she molded my whole way of being, raised me to follow all of her great attributes, and dedicated to me all of our days together, but she still managed to come up with a smile to everyone else, she had time to do what she loved, teach, she also had to take care of my brother and sister, but most impressive, she still manages to make an impact on my life even though she passed away over 6 months ago.

I have read and checked it a few times, a friend told me it's a great essay but the ideas are a bit disorganized, I'd love, and really appreciate your help. Thanks beforehand.
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