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Posts by kevjunba
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 27, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
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kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am always misunderstood" - Northwestern Essay [5]

I was wondering if I could get some blatant critiques on this essay? Thanks a lot!

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

My nerd friends are the best friends in the world, but I am always misunderstood. I love my friends, but we have never agreed about school. Having taken all accelerated and AP courses, we have always been in the same classes and have always disagreed on which subject rules supreme. While my friends agree that science and math-based courses are the best because of their absolute nature, I believe that the abstract and meaningful content of English is the most appealing. Because of this, I think that Northwestern University, with its extensive liberal arts education within the Weinburg College of Arts and Sciences, is the intellectual home for which I have always yearned.

The idea that there will be hundreds of students that love the same thing I do-to delve into literature and uncover the deeper meaning behind seemingly simple words-is mind-blowing. I find warmth in the thought that there are people my age who, instead of dreading, crave open essay topics because of the lure of self-expression or the chance to display emotions in its rawest form.

Northwestern offers a home where I can thrive intellectually. I will always feel comfortable knowing that I am surrounded by those who love the same thing that I do. I will belong. However, I will never cease to grow because of the challenges continually faced within the complex world of English. I will be living the dream. Constantly flourishing by doing what I love in a place where I belong-this is the dream.
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Oh the places you'll go" my princeton supplement [2]

It's 5:30 A.M. on a Saturday weekend and I head out the door in my golf attire, not under the/my covers in my pink plaid pajamas.

Only out of curiosity did I follow my dad to the golf course the morning of April 4, 2009. I was kinda confused a bit when I read this. I had to read it twice to understand what you meant.

So, at the end of my sophomore year began my relationship with golf.
And before hitting a ball, he required ten practice strokes. Might want to try putting this sentence and the prior sentence together. "And before" seems like a weak way to start a sentence.

soon took on their toll.
Beneath the surface of my skin was my blood boiling out of anger and frustration. This sentence is kind of awkward. I know what you mean but maybe try rewording it. "Beneath the surface of my skin, my blood boiled out of anger and frustration."

For once, I felt big. Seems like a bad message to send the college that you're applying to.
In an effort to remold my shattered pride and ego I feel that remold is the wrong word here. You're not trying to "mold" it. You're trying to recreate it anew.

I liked the message of your essay a lot. I only saw a couple of mistakes in terms of diction or syntax, nothing major.
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Success is a measure of how well one has utilized the resources available" -commonap [5]

Holy cow, that was a really powerful essay. I don't mean to inflate your ego, but I really got chills reading the first half of this essay. I only see small grammatical errors in your essay; your premise is very strong. I don't seen anything wrong with your message. Great transition from talking about your life to what your life has taught you. Good luck with the rest of your college applications/essays!

I knew that even in my own community there were kids who, like me, couldn't always get to school because of their home life and who only got to eat a full meal in the cafeteria. This sentence structure seems a bit awkward. I don't know if you mean to say that you couldn't always get to school and eat a full meal or if you mean that there were kids that didn't have the same benefits as you.

Over the course of the following year, I spearheaded several campaigns to help reduce the drop-out rate, including providing peer-to-peer counseling services, tutoring students in courses they were struggling in, and working with teachers to accommodate for circumstances that made a normal education impossible. A bit of a run-on sentence. The commas contribute a little bit to preventing that but maybe you should try using semicolons, hyphens, or breaking it into separate sentences.

The first time I saw a look of understanding dawn of on the face of a student I was working with Do you mean upon instead of "of on"?
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / I Hope You're Tall - Stanford - Letter to Roommate [8]

I really liked your essay. I feel that it'll make the reader smile as he's reading it. The only thing that I'm not quite sure about is what Elle est tombée sur la tęte means. Your personality really does come through in your essay. It's very quirky but playful.
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "an international student from Germany" - WHY columbia? CommonApp [5]

I didn't quite understand how a diverse student body would "somehow" make you feel welcome. That seems like it's just thrown in there so you can talk about Columbia.

togetheerwhile each student still maintains theirRemember to keep the pronoun/noun agreement. You say "student" so it should be "his or her" not their.personal individuality.

You say core curriculum four times in the last couple of sentences. Maybe try to stray away from using the same words multiple times when they're close together.

broaden onesone'sgeneral knowledge.

I really like how you personalized this essay for Columbia, though. Also, the premise of the essay is strong. I'm also applying to Columbia so maybe I'll see you there!
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

I feel as though this should be rewritten. The essay seems a bit too generic--you're just listing things that you don't know instead of contemplating upon them. Pick one of those items that you listed and write specifically on that. Sorry if my answer seemed very blunt!
kevjunba   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "from the Frisbee to the players" - Looking through a window, Williams [7]

I just wrote this a few minutes ago and I would like some HONEST feedback. I know the premise of the essay is a little bit silly and naive, but I feel that it showcases what I really like. Thanks!

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

I shift my gaze from the Frisbee to the players. The players flit around like flies. To anyone else it looks like they are running haphazardly, but I see the formation. The eyes of the Handler dart around to catch those of an open teammate. The defenders are strong; they watch his every move.

For a second, I catch a glimpse of an opening; the Handler seems to see it as well as he pivots his feet into a comfortable position. Planting his feet, he prepares the throw. He fakes a backhand, shifts to a forehand grip, and launches a commanding curve throw. It appears as though the disc is heading out of the field to the right, but the path is clear to me-the trajectory is perfect. Just as the Frisbee nears the end of its curve, it hangs to the left and arcs into the hands of the intended teammate within the end zone.

All of the players shuffle towards the end zone breathing heavily but with smiles on their faces. With a quick exchange of high fives and pats on the back, they suddenly grow serious and turn to face their opponents on the opposite side of the field. Yelling "Ultimate!" they powerfully tomahawk the Frisbee downfield. Like warriors they charge, taking their positions and yelling instructions. This is the world of Ultimate Frisbee. My world.
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