biggly
Dec 27, 2010
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "rigorous academics and opportunities" - Why Stanford? [7]
Impressive essay! But I would get rid of "The following 'why' is not as easy to answer" and "If I could say all of this when people ask 'Why Stanford?' they would understand." I feel like they only detract from the essay.
an environment where I can achieve my best
Impressive essay! But I would get rid of "The following 'why' is not as easy to answer" and "If I could say all of this when people ask 'Why Stanford?' they would understand." I feel like they only detract from the essay.
an environment where I can achieve my best
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "We motivated an entire community to feed an entire state" - experience, impact [4]
Hi,
I really like this! But I think there are a few instances where you use a longer word where a shorter one is more effective: "concluding" instead of "last", "proliferate" instead of "spread", "coalesced" instead of "came together". There are others.
During the fall semester of my senior year, I and twelve other high school seniorsThis fall, twelve other seniors and I orchestrated the 2010 Fill the Dome Youth-Led Food Drive (FTD).FTD calls upon students, businesses, and the community to donate food and money to the state's underserved poor. responds to the state's food shelters' struggle to provide assistance to our underserved poor by calling upon students, businesses, and other members of the community to donate food and money. Our effort coordinated the work of 60 schools and hundreds of businesses in and around the Fargo-Moorhead area. The goal: to raise 110 tons of food and $110,000.
Good luck!
Hi,
I really like this! But I think there are a few instances where you use a longer word where a shorter one is more effective: "concluding" instead of "last", "proliferate" instead of "spread", "coalesced" instead of "came together". There are others.
Good luck!
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "born in the Philippines" -How an experience has changed my values - essay [4]
Thanks. Actually, this is ~570 words, and I want to keep that short or even shorter so it works with specific supplements.
Thanks. Actually, this is ~570 words, and I want to keep that short or even shorter so it works with specific supplements.
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Republican Party of Virginia" - GMU- Significant contribution to your community [5]
Hi,
Some of your sentences are very long. Try to be more concise. Some of your meaning is lost in the clutter.
To start,
Since the 2008 campaign, I've spent many October house at the Albermarle County Republican Committee Headquarters. I've volunteered in the campaigns of John McCain, Bill Bolling, Ken Cuccinelli, Bob McDonnell, and Robert Hurt. As a volunteer, I make telephone calls to Virginians in the 5th district...
Good luck!
Hi,
Some of your sentences are very long. Try to be more concise. Some of your meaning is lost in the clutter.
To start,
Since the 2008 campaign, I've spent many October house at the Albermarle County Republican Committee Headquarters. I've volunteered in the campaigns of John McCain, Bill Bolling, Ken Cuccinelli, Bob McDonnell, and Robert Hurt. As a volunteer, I make telephone calls to Virginians in the 5th district...
Good luck!
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]
Hi, I think this is a solid idea. I'm a little confused as to why people seek the definition of "coherence". People may seek coherence, but I'm not sure they'd seek the definition of coherence. Maybe you can clarify that?
I would reword things to make it flow better.
Conventionally, however, it meansTo be coherent is to be logically ordered and consistent.
" Coherence" is unique in the English language ...
From the moment I knew what a list was, I made them frequently,I make frequent lists, detailing the things I needed to do and scheduling how to accomplish them in the most efficient manner. I have always valued simplicity and rationale in all aspects of my life , be it how I organize my clothing or how I approach writing an essay.
Good luck!
Hi, I think this is a solid idea. I'm a little confused as to why people seek the definition of "coherence". People may seek coherence, but I'm not sure they'd seek the definition of coherence. Maybe you can clarify that?
I would reword things to make it flow better.
" Coherence" is unique in the English language ...
Good luck!
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Sunrise Assisted Living home volunteer work" - short extracurricular explanation [6]
Hi,
I like your essay but you can definitely make it more precise. You take up space and lose a lot of meaning in the clutter.
I volunteer at the Sunrise Assisted Living home, a home for the elderly and a refuge for Alzheimer's patience. I volunteer here every Saturday for 2 to 3 hours. I conducted an art class where I made small crafts with the residents.
Maybe you can tell us what you've learned from doing this or what it means to you? Good luck!
Hi,
I like your essay but you can definitely make it more precise. You take up space and lose a lot of meaning in the clutter.
I volunteer at the Sunrise Assisted Living home, a home for the elderly and a refuge for Alzheimer's patience. I volunteer here every Saturday for 2 to 3 hours. I conducted an art class where I made small crafts with the residents.
Maybe you can tell us what you've learned from doing this or what it means to you? Good luck!
biggly
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "born in the Philippines" -How an experience has changed my values - essay [4]
Hi, I'd appreciate if I could get some thoughts on my essay that I hope to use for a few different supplements or the Common App essay. I'm worried about the flow in particular.
I was born in the Philippines, but I lived in Riyadh until I was 4. My dad, somewhat ironically, worked for AlSalam, a Saudi aircraft company owned by Boeing. I was young, but I still have a few vivid memories of Saudi Arabia. I remember the women wearing burqas, though my mom, a foreigner, only had to wear an abaya without the face-veil. I remember that McDonalds, my favorite spot for a meal, had a separate section for men and one for women and children. It was haraam, forbidden, my parents told me, to eat with the men. And I remember Zoo Day, when my mom had to wait in the car while we visited the animals.
But I also remember that one of the tenants in the building we lived in was a kind old Arab named Osama who looked after me and my sisters when we were home alone. And I know, as my mom often tells me and anyone she can, that one of the first phrases I learned, right alongside "Hi" and "Mommy", was "Salaam" or "Salaamu `Alaykum". Peace be with you, the way all Arabs greeted each other.
I moved to the States when I was 4 or 5, and I was in 3rd grade when a pair of Boeing jets flew into the Twin Towers. 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi, and Public Enemy #1 was a Saudi named Osama. I live in a suburb with a large number of Jews and Protestants and very few Muslims. Many of my friends' parents worked in the city, and a few were in the World Trade Center. Anti-Arab sentiment was high and full of vitriol. I was confused, too young to understand. Sure, they had different dress, rules, and customs, but Arabs didn't seem any different to me. If anything, they were the sort that wished peace upon each other with every encounter as opposed to once a week at Mass. It was hard for me to imagine that they would kill 3000 innocents, but the images on TV were undeniable. But I still thought of Osama as my kind neighbor. I struggled to make sense of this. Was I wrong all along, and which side was right?
As I grew up, I learned to appreciate seeing both sides. During the campaign, a woman famously told McCain that Obama was an Arab. "No," McCain replied. "He's a decent family man." McCain implied that "decent family men" are mutually exclusive from Arabs, something I knew was far from the truth. Obama's campaign, quick to deny reports that Obama was an Arab, was equally culpable. Obama should have responded asking, "So what if I am?" Both campaigns legitimized "Arab" as an acceptable slur. Before he ever became President, Obama was arguably just as guilty as Osama in this conflict.
Because of these experiences, I've come to a conclusion - nothing groundbreaking but pivotal in my global perspective. Arabs and non-Arabs are equally at fault in their conflict. More universally, we are all unknowingly to blame for our conflicts. It sounds self-evident, but it took me years to appreciate. We play up our differences in nationality, race, and religion too much. Diversity and identity admittedly have their place, but we can overemphasize them and end up dividing amongst those lines. But it turns out that there are no sides, and our divisions are arbitrary at best. We are all just people, united in our humanity.
Hi, I'd appreciate if I could get some thoughts on my essay that I hope to use for a few different supplements or the Common App essay. I'm worried about the flow in particular.
I was born in the Philippines, but I lived in Riyadh until I was 4. My dad, somewhat ironically, worked for AlSalam, a Saudi aircraft company owned by Boeing. I was young, but I still have a few vivid memories of Saudi Arabia. I remember the women wearing burqas, though my mom, a foreigner, only had to wear an abaya without the face-veil. I remember that McDonalds, my favorite spot for a meal, had a separate section for men and one for women and children. It was haraam, forbidden, my parents told me, to eat with the men. And I remember Zoo Day, when my mom had to wait in the car while we visited the animals.
But I also remember that one of the tenants in the building we lived in was a kind old Arab named Osama who looked after me and my sisters when we were home alone. And I know, as my mom often tells me and anyone she can, that one of the first phrases I learned, right alongside "Hi" and "Mommy", was "Salaam" or "Salaamu `Alaykum". Peace be with you, the way all Arabs greeted each other.
I moved to the States when I was 4 or 5, and I was in 3rd grade when a pair of Boeing jets flew into the Twin Towers. 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi, and Public Enemy #1 was a Saudi named Osama. I live in a suburb with a large number of Jews and Protestants and very few Muslims. Many of my friends' parents worked in the city, and a few were in the World Trade Center. Anti-Arab sentiment was high and full of vitriol. I was confused, too young to understand. Sure, they had different dress, rules, and customs, but Arabs didn't seem any different to me. If anything, they were the sort that wished peace upon each other with every encounter as opposed to once a week at Mass. It was hard for me to imagine that they would kill 3000 innocents, but the images on TV were undeniable. But I still thought of Osama as my kind neighbor. I struggled to make sense of this. Was I wrong all along, and which side was right?
As I grew up, I learned to appreciate seeing both sides. During the campaign, a woman famously told McCain that Obama was an Arab. "No," McCain replied. "He's a decent family man." McCain implied that "decent family men" are mutually exclusive from Arabs, something I knew was far from the truth. Obama's campaign, quick to deny reports that Obama was an Arab, was equally culpable. Obama should have responded asking, "So what if I am?" Both campaigns legitimized "Arab" as an acceptable slur. Before he ever became President, Obama was arguably just as guilty as Osama in this conflict.
Because of these experiences, I've come to a conclusion - nothing groundbreaking but pivotal in my global perspective. Arabs and non-Arabs are equally at fault in their conflict. More universally, we are all unknowingly to blame for our conflicts. It sounds self-evident, but it took me years to appreciate. We play up our differences in nationality, race, and religion too much. Diversity and identity admittedly have their place, but we can overemphasize them and end up dividing amongst those lines. But it turns out that there are no sides, and our divisions are arbitrary at best. We are all just people, united in our humanity.
