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Posts by anaraserikbek92
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: Kazakhstan

Displayed posts: 3
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anaraserikbek92   
Dec 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / Student, not teachers or administrators, should be in control of their own education [4]

Hi,
I think you have just one point to support your thesis.
TOEFL essays are preferred to have at least two supporting paragraphs.
And something else, you don't want to start with a question and continue with a straight answer. Even though it is a one way to start, it'd be better to make a hook or at least say something like this: Since education plays a very important role in one's life, teachers, not students, should make a decision regarding his education, because they know their students better and are more experienced in educational sphere. And after this sentence, you can make two paragraphs: 1) about how they know us better as in your first supporting paragraph;

2) about how they are more experienced; in terms of what they are more experienced than we are.

And by the way, I've taken TOEFL too. And here is some help for the writing based on a reading+listening:

P 1

The lecturer holds a very different point of view from the paragraph which states....

P2

First, the lecturer argues that... But on the other hand, the paragraph demonstrates that....

P3

Second, the lecturer also disagrees with ... On the contrary, the reading passage gives an opposite view that...

P4

Finally, regarding the.... the lecturer throws some light on how to deal with... This is indirect contradiction with the claim in the reading passage that....

Hope it helps, good luck)))
Write if you need any help
anaraserikbek92   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP: "bring anyone past/present/fictional to anywhere and what would you share" [6]

Hi there,
I think the point that he was such and such, and he did those wonderful things is too long. You just don't need describe it so long. One or two sentences would be enough. And remaining space would be for "WHERE you would bring him and WHAT you would share with him". and please, don't forget the main point is WHY you want to bring him there. As I understood from the essay, it was "to show him that he succeeded in his endeavors"? I think there must be a greater reason, though this one is also good. You can think. In the essay lacks its impact on you or revealing of your personality. I know its hard to do it while the essay is limited, but try.

Wish you good luck.

I hope it wasn't harsh, I just like it when somebody tells everything what he think about my writing.
anaraserikbek92   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "my class's performances for holidays": experience and its impact on you [3]

Hi, it's my Common application essay.
ABout a moral experience and its impact on you
Any harsh comments and critique are good

As the most desired holiday in every student's life, New Year, with its vivid party and
colorful performances was waiting for me. I was one of the organizers of my class's
performances for holidays. We were responsible for a performance, its music and speeches
of everyone - all ideas which represented our class on the school stage. Nobody wanted to
come to classes and study; all breathed fresh air outside, leaving the classroom and
feeling the coming cheerful atmosphere of the New Year.
I, along with the other three organizers had to put together the class perforamnce and finally decide the
main play's team and ideas about music, costumes, roles. I shouted in the class " Listen to me, guys, we have five more days to get prepared for the competition with the

Russian classes and make an outstanding play! " Zhazira, an organizer and a successful
student suggested, "Guys, what do you think about setting the movie "The
Irony of fate or enjoy your bath" ? It is an old movie which was made in the early eighties
and admired by both our parents' and teachers' generation. I was thinking about it the
whole night yesterday. What do you guys think? I think it's a brilliant idea!" Her words
literally killed me, as I thought I would proudly be presenting my idea about "Irony of
fate" to my classmates.
Zhazira was one of the group of organizers, and was a friend of mine. When she asked me
to share ideas, I certainly did so without doubts. However, the result was that Zhazira
became a scriptwriter of the performance and got recognition from our teacher. My
reaction was to maintain a correct relationship with her as I believed that due credit
to my creativity and intellectual abilities would eventually follow. Instead of trying to
prove to other classmates and the teacher that the idea was mine, I tried to support
Zhazira in implementing my ideas, the help she much needed.
Eventually, during preparations, together with Zhazira we added more bright moments to
the performance, replacing the old Russian characters from "The irony of fate" into
Kazakh traditional family members, who represented Kazakh culture and later appeared to
be more familiar and interesting to the audience. Besides, we could additionally make a
short humorous performance to raise a joyful atmosphere. While being deeply involved in
the presentation, I forgot about Zhazira's deception. Even though the performance was not
the best, we got respect and recognition for the plot from our teachers, parents and peers in
school. This experience showed me how enthusiasm, hard-work and love of what one is
doing can bring him up to the results that he doesn't even expect; and how diplomacy and
communication skills, not always competence and never a deception could make one
successful in his endeavors.
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