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Posts by Jarose
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "the job at the Kumon Learning Center" - Short-Answer Activity [4]

"What's nine + seven, Amanda?" I asked, sitting on a small, wobbly stool [Descriptive, but unnecessary for making your point]. The nervousness in my voice as I asked her that simple question disappeared when she hastily replied, "Sixteen!" [How can your voice lose nervousness if she is talking? Also, slightly confusing structure] Grinning, she knew the answer was correct, but was waiting for a nod of approval. Satisfactorily, I nodded my head and the grin on her face turned into a beautiful smile.

I recall this moment, which occurred about a year ago. It was my second day on the job ["I recall this moment" could be eliminated. Try 'This occurred on my second day on the job, about a year ago'] at the Kumon Learning Center, an academic enrichment program. After working with Amanda for a year, she is now able to tackle long division problems. Throughout this year, I have felt more like a student [Maybe 'Throughout this year, I have begun to feel more like a student'] at Kumon because I have learned the importance of crafty explanations, patience, and hard work. The relationships I have developed with students and their parents have allowed me to realize the importance of giving. After all, education is the greatest gift of all. [Powerful last sentence. However, it is extremely cliched and that takes away most of its power. Try to think of something that really means a lot to you.]

A great subject, overall not much improvement is needed. They will love that you work in education already, and understand the codependent learning process. You may want to make it clear how old Amanda is, as it isn't clear if the center is for educating young students or those with learning disabilities. Good luck with the rest of your applications!.
Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Pursuit of Advancement"-Columbia supplemental essay [6]

This is pretty much ready for submission, really a lot of information, and you made the point clear that you know specifically why you wish to go. There are a few bits of info you could probably group together, as it seems a little too much like a list.

I like that you state how you admire their choice of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as that shows a deeper understanding of world issues than simply listening to the news.
Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Biology has been a firefly to me" - Cornell Supplement essay [7]

I really like this essay, the fireflies concept is great. A few suggestions,

"Today, I find myself with too many questions and too few answers."

Also, considering you're applying to cornell, the person reading your essay has a relatively good chance of knowing something about the brain. In that case, you shouldn't state that we only use 10% of our brains, as that simply isn't true and it makes you look like you didn't actually do all of the inquiring that you claim.

If you have time please review my essay here
Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "I live in Sri Lanka" - Yale supplement essay [9]

I didn't get to read your original draft, but this new one is very powerful. You clearly state that you have seen some of the horrible things that can happen in the world, and they have taught you to look beyond the shallow reasons many use to pity themselves. The only thing I found bothersome was that up until the last paragraph I felt kind of disturbed, and clueless as to the point you were going to eventually make. Perhaps allude to your realization earlier, say in the introductory paragraph. It would give the story more of a realistic reason for being on a college application earlier than the last paragraph.

Hope I helped, if you find time please review my essay!
Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Hours of arduous practice" - Common app - orchestra/violin [6]

I really like it, you make it clear you're passionate about orchestra and playing your instrument.

In the second paragraph it seems kind of start and stop, perhaps connecting sentences or using punctuation other than periods.

For example, instead of:

"My favorite part has been playing in an orchestra. I love the teamwork and the way different instruments work together to create music."

Try

"My favorite part has been playing in an orchestra; I love the teamwork and the way different instruments work together to create music."
Jarose   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Musical Exploration - An obstacle can become an impetus growth. [3]

Please let me know any thoughts, comments, suggested changes. Thanks!

Musical Exploration

Music is a large part of my life. I love hearing new artists and discovering old ones. I love watching a performance and contributing to one. The physics of instruments, how a sound is created and how it can be subtly altered, is a concept of my perpetual intrigue.

I live with a degenerative neurological condition that limits my exploration of more complex and conventional instruments such as guitar or piano. In spite of this, I have studied many, albeit less common, instruments that fully satisfy my current level of creative exploration; several of these required my attempts to repair them from a state of dysfunction. As a result, I have become inclined to explore more deeply into the aesthetics of the sound I create. As a consequence of my condition, I have become a more varied and versed musician.

It was four years ago, and about 2,500 miles from home, that I first laid my hands on a djembe. This West African drum, shaped curiously like a large hourglass, allowed me to improvise musically for the first time. Until then I had never felt competent enough to make something up on the spot, and had consequently turned away from truly expressing myself through music. With the Djembe, I was put at ease by the simple movements required to make full, beautiful sounds. This led me to experiment with other instruments, including the harmonica and didgeridoo.

I grew to absolutely love everything about music, which made the repeated reminder that I was incapable of learning an instrument such as guitar more upsetting. Over time I studied new instruments alongside the previous ones, but I longed for something with which I could more fully express feeling and emotion. In came the balalaika, a three-stringed Russian guitar which I received from an antique store that was going out of business. I should say two-stringed guitar, as the bali was in disrepair. It was falling apart and missing large portions of its basic structure, so I set out to fix it. After about a month of looking for parts and a small country's annual import of superglue, I had a fully functional classical folk instrument. I decided not to look for any resources on balalaika technique. I wanted to learn entirely by exploring the instrument myself.

Since then I've had an explosion of creative energy, where I've improved existing skills and made first attempts at developing new ones. Understanding the physics at work in the balalaika as well as the djembe and didgeridoo has been incredibly beneficial to my studies in AP Physics. Energy and waves make sense to me from a practical view, as I have experience in using them to make music. I've begun collaborating with a friend of mine who is a professional guitarist. Despite being limited from developing skills in traditional instruments I am able to explore my creativity with even more variability.

In the future I plan to continue studying a diverse assortment of unusual instruments. I am currently in the process of actually learning the guitar, as slow as it may be. In the face of a debilitating disease, I have, ironically, expanded my archive of musical skill and knowledge. I've used my experience in music to help my understanding of physics, and hope to combine these passions in my college studies. I know it is important to never shut your eyes to learning something new, as you cannot know how it could benefit you. Through my experiences I've realized what may seem like an immovable obstacle can become an even greater impetus for growth.

P.S. I'm not quite sure if this should be under choice #5 or #6

#5: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

#6: Topic of your choice.
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