Undergraduate / "To bring people improved health" - what you want to accomplish in BU? [2]

Hello!

First of all, your first sentence sounds rather choppy. There are so many commas that break it up that it's hard to read smoothly. You want your first sentence to be read especially clearly so that it grabs the readers attention rather than make them try to follow what you're saying.

A later sentence should be "Even though we had finished that days..." so that the tenses agree throughout the sentence.
Also, it is followed by "we decided to stay in the lab and decided to stay in the lab" which is repetitive and probably an accident.

Other than that, just be aware of your tense agreements when writing and good luck!

Undergraduate / "The Sisterhood of Literary genesis..." - my Amherst supplement essay response [7]

Hello!
Yes, poetry is risky since it is so open to interpretation. However, the fact that you were willing to take that risk may make you even more likely to catch the eye of the one reading the responses. Not to mention, it will be different from the normal responses that are just written out. Doing something different will make you more memorable.

The poem itself was lovely. I really like that it builds up anticipation as I read it, so that when the subject actually goes on stage I feel for them.

However, I am not sure it directly addresses what Mr. Stavans was talking about. His issue with theater seems to be that it can not be recreated. Once a play is over, it will never be done exactly the same way again. But with books, it will remain the same forever on those pages. I like how you mentioned "a picture speaks a thousand words," but I'm not sure this topic was in your poem as much as it should have been.

Overall, though, it really is a nice poem.
Good job!

Undergraduate / California Tech - Ethical Dilemma (Cheating on a test) [2]

Hello!

First of all, it should be "United States of America" in the first sentence.
Also, in the sentence "I started working as hard as I can", it should be 'as hard as I could' so the tenses agree.

Also, get rid of the "as" in "As I thought of how I did on the 3rd section, and how I could improve myself, especially as one of the people who was saying their answers got over 700 in her reading and writing."

Also, it sounds rather unclear. After "myself," you should consider ending the sentence. Then say how it was especially difficult not to cheat as one of the people started reading their answers. This will make what you are trying to say much easier to understand.

As to making it shorter; is there any way you could combine some sentences? Your first paragraph was kind of an intro to your main point. In an essay that has to be so short, you may not have room for an intro.

It's a good story, though. Good for you!

Scholarship / "student making an A with half of the class failing" English: subject i excelled in [6]

Hello!
I am very impressed by your ability to learn English so quickly! Great job!
A few tips, though...

First off, I believe her name is Hellen Keller, not Killer.
Also, it should be "we were moving to the U.S."
and "surprised me like a storm"

Another sentence that needs some work:
"Moving to United states didn't appear as the biggest problem after I reached Dallas but the language." It sounds as though it stops in the middle of a thought. If you say something more like, ""Moving to the United states didn't appear as the biggest problem after I reached Dallas, but the language did."

"When school started I was enrolled in two English courses for other language speakers:one for writing and reading and the other for..."

Don't forget that "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "The Great Gatsby" need to be underlined and capitalized because they are the titles of books.

"Othello by Shakespeare, Weathering heights by (Don't forget to put in the name of the author) and pride and prejudice by Jane Austin were the three choices and I chose the last two."

"I felt like a failure for life and like a bird with a broken wing. An Unacceptable 72 on my progress report didn't kil be(did you mean kill me?), and for the third six weeks I had a 94 averagewhich gave me a B for the class. "

Once again, I am impressed by how much you have learned. Keep up the great work!