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Posts by Ban Drowne
Joined: Jan 10, 2011
Last Post: Jan 23, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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Ban Drowne   
Jan 23, 2013
Scholarship / Diverse Academic Intersts, Responsibility, my Culture; HMC President's Scholar-SOP [3]

first off, most narcissistic and selfish introduction i have ever seen. Really?

I've had big dreams for myself. Being rich & successful

bisexual, Salvadorian guy who enjoys talking to others and exploring the outdoors, but let's focus on the friendly, hard-working Salvadorian part for now.

Wait. What? How is being bisexual not important to diversity? We live in a heterosexual world that relentlessly sells sex. I really think you should develop this more rather than seeming to sweep it under the rug. It shows that you have the potential to show understanding towards diverse post-modern academia that most people would brush off as weird or foreign. Any great idea seems weird at first. I mean hey, look at the guy who discovered milk haha. Not only did he have the courage to check out some cow utters and try what came out, but he had the balls to tell other people about it!
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Book Reports / Thousand Splendid Suns Vs The Colour Purple [4]

haven't read either of these books, but i would look into such topics as Post-Feminism which looks to examine and break down the sources of what caused feminist theory. Maybe other characters or environments that surround the female characters?

*I know this comment is probably useless but please like it anyway so i can get credit to delete something. pretty please*
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Undergraduate / MUSIC, My escape; NYU Transfer - What Intrigues You? [7]

All of these have allowed me to escape my own problems all the while giving me the opportunity to understand and recognize the problems of others.

the one bad part which isn't addressed is that sometimes escaping the world really isn't all that cool if you got personal or worldly problems. sometimes it makes you seem sort of like a nihilist dick haha (for the lack of a better word). Not saying you are at all but how about this?

"All of these have granted me escapism, all the while protecting me from nihilism by giving me the opportunity to understand my own problems in perspective of more worldly problems."

I feel this protects your integrity and helps transition to what you have to about those worldly problems which brings me to my next issue...

I zone out and visualize a world of peace and happiness; living in rural areas near the mountains where industries are underdeveloped or nonexistent

This is BS. think about what you are saying. All rural areas near mountains are TRULY at peace & happiness? lol wut. I think this would work..

"I zone out and visualize a world of peace and happiness; living in A rural area which found its own means of escape from the harshness of the industrialized modern world"

here you state that you understand that not all rural areas have found world peace (lol) and you can relate it back to your idea of music as an escape.

*** PLEASE LIKE MY RESPONSE (even if you really don't) SO I CAN GET CREDIT TO DELETE SOMETHING OFF HERE***
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Depth & Variety of physiology programs; U Washington-Transfer [4]

Keep working at it, you're definitely capable of it as you proved in the first paragraph! writing is alot like painting, you gotta step away from it sometimes to regain that creative energy. Honestly, I'm only on here to delete that thread and most of these essays are truly terrible. However yours was worth the read! It would be awesome if you could see if you could like this response too haha.
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Tufts "let your life speak" - why I want to be a doctor [9]

Although it is a clichĂŠ, I believe that doctors do in fact live their lives in the service of others. The path to becoming a physician requires years of hard work and sacrifice, but in the end I can rest assured that it will be worth it.

I think this is a very peculiar series of statements. First off, I feel that calling out clichĂŠs is actually clichĂŠ in most contemporary essays. Just IMO. But i think you are picking up on a very peculiar thing here, that you have the drive to become a doctor because you've had such significant experiences in the service of doctors. Rather than simply being an admirer or whatever else. It makes me think of the quote "The truth can set you free, only after it's finished with you"... just something to think about. Make sure that you believe what you've written this is a creative way to describe that drive.

*** Please like my response (even if you really dont) so I get credit to delete a thread with my real name on it**
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Depth & Variety of physiology programs; U Washington-Transfer [4]

You have an absolutely great first half or so of the essay that truly sucks you in and keeps the reader interested! However, I thought it got too biographical and matter of fact. Loosing that great quality of attention to detail in writing that you show in the first half of the essay. But on the other hand, if they are looking for your academic history in addition to the culture thing, I think you accomplished what was asked very well. Final note, I wish you would bring the creative descriptive qualities for the conclusion.

also, this irked me a bit. Sounds alot like ass kissing for the lack of a better idiom

It amazed me how professors, like Professor Scott Freeman, used innovative strategies to help class retention in his Introduction to Biology lecture

***Please like my response (even if you really don't) I need likes for credit to delete a thread***
Ban Drowne   
Jan 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Cowbell mathematics competition; How my experiences contribute [2]

i taught it was

I thought*

but everything about the village i detested

"but I detested everything about the village." seems more flowing in my opinion

I had learnt t to interact

I had learned to*

and it was like starting life all over again had to learn to adopt to the

and it was like starting life all over again.*We had to learn to ..."

The challenges i had did not make

"These challenges did not make..." Sounds much better in my opinion.

The death of my taught me

My mother's death taught me*

The death of my taught me responsibility but most importantly the life of my father taught me sacrifice

you should DEFINITELY rethink what you are saying here because I am not quite sure you mean to say you're mothers death is less important than your father's life sacrifices. To compare those things seems off putting to whoever reads this.

even when he taught

when he thought*

He will always say "echi ga di mma" meaning tomorrow will be better.

This sentence is very nice because it directly shows us about the relationship between you and you're father through simple personal experience. Rather than you stating facts of you or your father.

He believed in me and everyday am more determined to succeed, so his sacrifices would not be in vain.

this whole paragraph gets really lost between you're father potentially not believing in you going away to school and then all of the sudden "he believed in me". also it should be "and everyday I* am more..."

on a final note, I think you have the potential to write a really great piece about your experience. However, what you're saying here isn't very tangible and lacks impact. I would break it down and talk more about what responsibility means to you and how it is relatable to how you live your life.

***PLEASE LIKE MY RESPONSE*** (even if you don't) I NEED IT FOR CREDIT TO DELETE SOMETHING OFF HERE***
Ban Drowne   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / "affluent academic resources and love of history" - What influenced you to apply GW? [2]

Hey ylee11, I am truly terrible at writing but here's my two cents

I really liked it and thought that it showed your passion for history, why you want to go to GW, and what you want to accomplish there. I thought that two sentences were a bitch sketchy though...

"Later, I found that history is all about a reflection of an individual- how one views the world. One can quickly ignore parts that seem needless..."

Other than that, I thought it was great!

If you can, read my common app essay. I'm in the same boat ... due tomorrow.

Dan.
Ban Drowne   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Modernization of a Hometown - Common App [3]

So I have an idea for my common app essay.

I would like to write about an experience that fits into the common app question of "if you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person."

After I graduated high school, I briefly worked at a summer camp known as Camp Woodward. Some people may know it from the TV show. The camp is a summer camp for kids to train in gymnastics or other extreme sports such as skateboarding, rollerblading, biking, snowboarding, and skiing. However, this is no run of the mill summer camp, where it is Woodward brings in each sport's top athletes and olympians. This past summer, Shawn Johnson, Tony Hawk, Chris Cole, Frankie Morales and many more all made appearances during my work 2 month experience there. It was a tremendous honor and privilege to work alongside rollerblading's top professionals to directly give back to the sport I love by teaching kids how to skate and helping them grow as an athlete.

With all that being said, to attend this camp as a camper is one pretty penny. Sadly, many of my campers weren't all that passionate about rollerblading. Which leads me to my experience with a certain 15 year old camper who only wanted to sit in his cabin and play video games. He simply did not want anything to do with West Pennsylvania's beautiful outdoors. However, he was perfectly content at camp as long as he had his video games. When I suggested going to a rope swing over a pond on the edge of camp. He loudly rebuked something like, " I hate the outdoors! Just leave me alone!" And in an instance I was raptly captive to a memory of a much more simple time in my life

I thought about my time growing up in a lower-middle class neighborhood. It was a very simple place, just two streets that circled a pond. On that pond, I had a rope swing of my own. I missed that place where I could just escape the noisy century or just hide out from the decade. But Big business investors thought that my neighborhood could stand to be updated. Soon they forced it all into a grid until it looked like graphing pages. Now every trace of life there seems confined within a frame. Faces there move from day to day, but the houses all look the same. And finally it looks like everyone is trapped in this architecture of easy money. I don't live there anymore but i can only imagine the kids who populate those cookie cutter houses sitting in cars and waiting for their mom's to drive them out of that boring neighborhood. When I thought about it, there was rumor that it was called indian pond because it was once a burial place for native americans... I just wonder what they did with the "bodies".

Then I hope that my essay at this point can take a nonlinear approach by talking about the kid again.

I never did get that kid to do anything exciting. I just wish i could have showed him my neighborhood; the way I experienced it as a child.

Just as a reminder this is by no means my essay. Just the idea of it... only prolonged. I plan on polishing and shortening it up with a better vernacular. However, i feel as though a topic like this is a little exhausted.

DISCUSS!

Dan.
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