Posts by mwgstan

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / Summer Internship (interest in the medical field) at John Hopkins [3]

Langston Hughes once said, "hold fast to dreams..." I am pretty sure that's how it goes, though I'm not sure if that particular was capitalized that way for a reason...

"What are high school students' perspectives on the most ..." (since there's more than one high school student...)

When I was writing my essays, I feel like a lot of sources told me to cut out laundry-listing anything that could already be found on a resume. So when you list your accomplishments, it shouldn't be on the essay, but on the transcript. Thus, I don't think you need to add anything there- maybe even take away what you've got.

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / "intelligent and driven father" - Common App essay for Ivies [5]

I think the main thing is that they wanted you to reflect on yourself in your essay. (Note: yourself, not your parents!) Besides that, the cliche is bad, but that won't be the killer, I think. Your writing's clearly better than just proficient. And really, it's not about trying to find the biggest hardship to go through in order to have a good essay. It's about letting them get to know you, right?

I think I'm in the same boat as you - I wrote about friendship...or something. Luck to the both of us, eh?

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / "interest in world cultures, communication": what can make you succeed in Penn State? [4]

As a child, I developed a deep interest in world cultures which has persisted into the present and now structures my goals. My first passion was Ancient Egypt. The more I read about Egypt's history, the more I wanted to learn about other countries as well. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn.

Over time, I began to want more than merely reading about other cultures; it was only natural that would seek to experience another culture for myself. Thus, at the age of 16, I decided to become an exchange student. I joined an exchange program and had the opportunity to live in another culture. I chose to visit the United States, which I found to be vastly and delightfully different from my own country, China.

After arriving in the States, I began attending high school. To assimilate, I sang in the choir, ran on the track team, and even participated in an art show. My experience as a foreign exchange student was filled with new friends and great relationships. Interacting with people whose cultures differed radically from my own taught me communication skills. I would love to expand on these skills by pursuing a degree in international politics at Penn State University.

...What do you think?

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Writing Feedback / "Ehhlo dis is five Sta Pandah callin" - essay about self [4]

I think I would just rewrite your line where you pretend you're a waitress with correct spelling/ grammar, and then just describe that you had disguised your voice. As a bonus, the reader won't have to pronounce the dialogue out loud to get it, and your readability will go up. Yay!

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / "I am in good financial standing at any schools" - applying to a US high school [4]

I would think of it as, "Are you in BAD financial standing...?" Then answer accordingly.

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Letters / An entrance letter to my english learning center in Korea [3]

Hello, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Hanna Choi, and I am twenty- four years old. There are four people in my family and they are very important to me. I love my family, and I have high respects for my parents. I am very interested in a teaching position at JLS and I am ready to provide good lessons for students with all my knowledge, efforts, and abilities. Even though I was born in Korea, my family immigrated to American when I was 14. I lived in California for 10 years . I thought carefully about my future during my high school years , especially about what I would do in 20s and 30s. When I was young, I always wanted to become an elementary teacher. I studied hard and also got alongwell with classmates in elementary school. When my family went to America ~~for living~~ , my dad could not go with us, so only my mom, my sister, and I lived together. Dad just visited us once a year from Korea. When we first went to America, I really had a hard time understanding and speaking English. Thus , I spent most of my time studying for English so I could catch up in school with American students. After two years of hard work , I was able to communicate well with other students, and I enjoyed going school after that . I also participated in the school ~~music~~ band and choir for three years ~~too~~ . While I was in high school, I tutored middle school students in English, especially the students who came from Korea. I learned a lot while teaching my students. It felt great to be teaching English and learning at the same time. When I was a senior in high school, I could not decide what to major in , so I decided to go to a community college first and later transfer to a University . I went to De Anza College in Cupertino, California and transferred to University of California, San Diego in fall of 2009. I majored in Economics at UCSD. I also graduated early from UCSD because I put an effort to finish all my graduation requirements in one year. Although my major was Economics, I am passionate about teaching English and I can show students how it is great to learn language and other countries' cultures at the same time. I love teaching and getting to know new people too. I am very outgoing and easy to talk to. Because I was in California for about 10 years , I would like to spend rest of my time in Korea with a career in teaching. I am proficient in making Powerpoint presentations as well . In addition, I would like to work for the JLS center because of its high reputation and its ability to offer excellent welfare. If I could work there, I would like to be in an American curriculum where I could teach middle school students. I also want to contribute and learn and grow with your company. I want to gain experience and improve my teaching skills at JLS center.

Here are some suggestions!
P.S.- The two sentences in which you talk about your relationship with your family seem redundant. Perhaps consolidate the two into one?
Cheers-

mwgstan

Jan 11, 2011

Writing Feedback / "Ehhlo dis is five Sta Pandah callin" - essay about self [4]

Your language is lively-sounding and easy to read. It was a lighthearted- perhaps a tad too lighthearted. I also didn't figure out who Nate or Alex was until the very end, and I somehow wonder if it was wise to use the stereotypical Chinese accent as an anecdote. (It might be a personal thing, as I'm Chinese myself and it really ticks me off when people do that...) If you made it just a bit more serious, I think you could pull this off quite well.

mwgstan

Jan 10, 2011

Undergraduate / "nothing more than to be a Reedie" - Why Reed College supplemental [3]

Critiques, please! Be as harsh as you like~
And the prompt is...Why Reed?
How did you first become interested in Reed, and why do you think Reed would be an appropriate place, both academically and socially, to continue your education? This essay is instrumental in helping the admission committee determine the match between you and Reed, so please be thorough.

Do you think I addressed the prompt thoroughly enough? I feel...eh about this essay around the ending. Anything I should speak to that I didn't do enough of here already (Should I have talked more about myself)? I also made a more than a few references to Reed-specific things...was that a good idea? Things to think about...Here it is now!

Why not Reed?

To me, Reed embodies the idea of something new, something unique, something out of the ordinary.

I believe it all started with a seemingly innocuous campus visit one fine spring day. As our good-natured tour leader pointed out to us the various sights and sounds Reed had to offer, from the Canyon, to the shelves that harbored vast multitudes of past Senior theses, to the nuclear reactor, and to the passing students singing the praises of being a Reedie, I was, to say the least, intrigued. As he described a smattering of Reed traditions, such as Renn Fayre, Doyle the owl, and a play put on by freshmen based loosely on the Humanities 110 curriculum, that was it: I was captivated.

From that visit, I drew two conclusions; firstly, I felt that the spirit in Reed was different - in a good way, of course - that Reed was a place where ideas and academics were prized. However, I understood that beyond that, another creative spirit was all but suppressed. Thus, it was a spirit that sought knowledge, but also looked to find the fun in the search. Enthusiastically academic, but never pedantic, this is how I see Reed, and this is what I love about Reed.

In Psychology class, we would say that Reedies are intrinsically motivated, driven by an interest in acquiring knowledge. To choose the liberal arts education that Reed offers, I believe this must be true. It struck me that at Reed especially, the tenet that education should be broad was more than a simple notion, it was a creed (especially after learning of Paideia). This is what I'm after. That wealth of knowledge that awaits, broad, expansive, and diverse, draws me to Reed. Sciences, humanities, foreign languages, math and more - all so worthy of attention. There is nothing I love as much as such diversity. As of right now, I'm uncertain as to what I want to do besides absorb as much information until my head bursts at the seams. But, by a liberal arts education, I'll have the opportunity to explore my curiosities, find a calling, and become a balanced individual in the process.

Oh, and another thing - I love a challenge. With the academic rigor on one hand, and the plethora of opportunities available in the form of clubs and otherwise on the other, I'll be hard pressed to find time in the day. Nevertheless, I accept your challenge!

I would love nothing more than to be a Reedie. The vibe I get when I'm at Reed is one that has my intuition telling me, "here! Pay attention! You can learn more than you already thought you could if you keep your eyes and ears open!" If my gut has anything to say about it, Reed is the place for me.