Posts by afallet1

afallet1

Jan 23, 2011

Undergraduate / Terrorism and Islam - Umich College of Engineering [4]

Greetings,

An inconspicuous yellow Mercedes-Benz 5-ton truck. I found that reading this was a little bumpy. You could possibly rearage the words. Your mound of adjectives seems all bundled up( 4 adjectives just for this truck). It could possibly read: An inconspicuous, yellow Mercedes-Benz, 5-ton truck...

My initial reaction was of shock, of awe,

I felt that your 3rd paragraph was extremely passionate and tells a great deal about your religion, but do you share these same ideals?

no one else

there are minor gramatical errors but those can be fixed easily. I liked you ending, as it brought everthing together.

Best AF

here is my essay:

afallet1

Jan 23, 2011

Undergraduate / "Ghana's Independence Square" - looking through a window Williams College essay [4]

Hello,

I thought that your first sentence was a little runny; it could have possibly been broken up. Try to break up your sentences so that they can be said out loud with one breathe. I also felt that the third paragraph was a bite winded in its manner. I found myself starting to read these sentences but losing interest a ways into them.

Overall I was given the impression that you were passionate about your country, and I think with a few minor tweaks you could be on the road to a great essay!

Best,
AF

afallet1

Jan 21, 2011

Undergraduate / Common app- volunteer for international students [3]

Please critique and I will be doing the same for you, thank you.

plot: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum

Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that benevolence of knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge. By following my ideals, I volunteered my time to international students in an effort to help them assimilate into the culture of the United States.

I would speak to them individually and work on their vernaculars and word usages: sharpening their skills and improving on their lack of confidence to speak English. The students embraced and accepted the change from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening to myself. By the end of the program I had felt comforted knowing that the students left knowing more that they entered with.Sometimes, watching the success of others offer success to thy own. I could not have thought of a better donation of my free time.

thank you again for all your help