Posts by KofiD

KofiD

Jan 25, 2011

Undergraduate / "passion for animals" - Clark Supplement [6]

Shandana,
No sweat. I pray you are accepted soon. can you kindly check out the revised version of my essay. i have incorporated your suggestions. i submit in a couple of days.

thanks,

Kofi

KofiD

Jan 23, 2011

Undergraduate / "passion for animals" - Clark Supplement [6]

Shandana

Shandana,

thank fo your feedback my essay. I have made some changes which you can review for me

Heres my feedback on yours:
First paragraph:

My passion for animals has often led me to challenge convention in the hopes of changing the world. When I visited Islamabad zoo as a young child, I saw other children throwing rocks at hyenas. I was appalled by the dreadful conditions suffered by the majestic creature.

Last Paragraph

People who argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference, need to remember that when Mahatma Ghandi gave up his food, the Indian Subcontinent was changed forever. My decision to buck convention is a spark that will spread through my interaction with others, leading to change one little action at a time.

KofiD

Jan 23, 2011

Undergraduate / Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru, PM of India - "a historical and influential figure" -Common app [4]

Pranav,

Your essay is very , very impressive. I pray get admitted to a school of your choice. It was a very inspiring to read how much in tune you are with the political pulse of your lovable country India. Thanks also for commenting on my essay. You can look at the revisions to see what you think. Thank you so much.

kofi

KofiD

Jan 23, 2011

Graduate / "How beautiful and harmonic God has created the world" - PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

adelehnejati

EF KEVIN is right. the first sentence does need to be tweaked:
How powerful, beautiful and harmonic God has created the world was what I always feel it in the Art and Architecture class.

My Art and Architecture class always make me reflect on how wonderfully and harmoniously God created the world.

Instead of using the word "prevalently" you might want to say "subsequently" or even "notably"

As a result of hard working this would be better phrased as "As a result of my hardwork"

"....sustainability becomes the concept that is most central to my professional intellectuality" This sentence can be better phrased as "sustainability became the central focus of my professional pursuits"

Through my examination of architecture, I learn who I am and how my location in society is reflected in the way that I see, think, and feel about the surrounding living environments . This is simply beautiful

I also assisted in delivery of classes, involving demonstrations and one by one assistance in studio time. One by one should read "one on one"

evaluation and grading all examinations, assignments, and papers, and recording them was also parts of my responsibilities as teacher assistant in these courses. ...

please revise this to read : evaluating and grading all examinations,assignments, and papers and recording them were some of my responsibilities as a Teacher Assistant.

Studying two years of Master program in Architecture at Miami University, attached with this would read better if you say "in addition to "

identified me as a (instead of identified me..please say "helped me mature as a responsible, innovative and confident person in international architectural academic environment. I truly believe the Collage (please spell it "college")of Architecture and Planning will provide a stimulating environment for my future research and inquiry; also working under supervision of the scholars at the

also working under supervision of the scholars at the University of Colorado would be the most (you dont need the word "most") ideal scenario for me during my PHD study.

I am looking forward to have the opportunity to study at the University of Colorado as a PHD student, to meet the high standards set by this university and to be able to contribute to its environment through my hard work and enthusiasm and to reach my ultimate goal as a professional Architect and faculty member in academia

I look forward to the opportunity of studying at the University of Colorado as a PHD student. I hope to meet the high standards set by this university and to be able to contribute to its intellectual environment through my hard work and enthusiasm and to reach my untimate goal as a professional Architect and faculty member.

I wish you success. Greetings from Ghana
KofiD

KofiD

Jan 22, 2011

Undergraduate / Common app- volunteer for international students [3]

greetings from Ghana Anthony,

Please critique and I will be doing the same for you, thank you.

plot: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum
Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that benevolence of knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge.

You do not really have much space to talk about your activity: its therefore better to dive straight in and tak about why you are passionate about what you do. Also your essay could benefit from concrete details ...for example what countries do they come from? . I know its hard to put all in 150 words but you have to keep working at it.

By following my ideals, I volunteered my time to international students in an effort to help them assimilate into the culture of the United States.

I would speak to them individually and work on their vernaculars and word usages: sharpening their skills and improving on their lack of confidence to speak English (a revision could read :sharpening their English language skills and boosting their confidence with spoken English

. The students embraced and accepted the change from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening to myself. (Revised : The students accepted the changes from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening for me)

By the end of the program I had felt comforted knowing that the students left knowing more that they entered with.Sometimes, watching the success of others offer success to thy own I am not sure what you mean here.

I could not have thought of a better donation of my free time.
it might be better to say I could not have thought of a better use of my time
Oops! you also mispelled Volunteer in your title

best wishes

KofiD

Jan 22, 2011

Undergraduate / "Ghana's Independence Square" - looking through a window Williams College essay [4]

greetings from Ghana! I need help . kindly give me some feedback on the essay below.
This is the Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

As I slide the window of my memory, it opens to the 6th of March 2007 and I see thousands of feet stamping their way to Ghana's Independence Square. These people are on their way to Ghana's 50th birthday party, a celebration of human liberation. Although Ghana had broken the shackles of colonialism 50 years earlier, my beloved country has not yet escaped all its troubles. Today, however, is a day of pomp and pageantry.

My close friend, Kofi Frempong, and I also beat a steady rhythm on the dusty, balding planet beneath our feet. The road leading to the square was awash with many colors, but dominant were the red, gold, and green of Ghana's flag. Teeming around me were people from every corner of the nation. Also present were our kindred spirits from every crevice in the planet-black people, white people, green people and all the other exciting accidents of human diversity. Their eyes were misty with dreams for the coming years and fragments of memories of half-fulfilled political and socio-economic dreams.

As we sliced a winding path through the crowd, I felt waves of left-over euphoria from the first independence celebrations fifty years earlier. This memory kept smashing into the upwelling of hope and expectations of what the next fifty years has in store for us.

Reflecting on this scene fills me with gratitude for the amount of progress we have made as a nation. This does not imply that I am oblivious to how much of our national potential remains unachieved. I know that the collective dreams of my fellow citizens and I can only materialize on the altar of personal and national sacrifice. I believe that an active participation in public service is the highest expression of this commitment. Embracing this challenge whole-heartedly is therefore the ultimate purpose of my education and training.