MaxOneMillion
Feb 26, 2011
MaxOneMillion
Feb 26, 2011
Letters / HOUSE KEEPING RESUME [4]
docs.google/document/d/1zhIIpgDyQ1iMeWB_djJy1rkEpaCV5bFuIeg1Sepuvmo/edit
Can you find any grammar errors? I would like pros and cons please.
docs.google/document/d/1zhIIpgDyQ1iMeWB_djJy1rkEpaCV5bFuIeg1Sepuvmo/edit
Can you find any grammar errors? I would like pros and cons please.
MaxOneMillion
Jan 28, 2011
Scholarship / "a Korean mother, a Caucasian father" - How can I contribute to diversity? [5]
Fix the run on sentence that is your intro paragraph and try to use an anecdote. Focus on your strong points, don't ever mentions things like "but I'm not fluent.". Religion is not culture, state how it is culturally relevant "While I was visiting Mexico it seemed religion and life were one, there was hardly a place you couldn't find a burning Guadalupe candle! etc.. etc..." I hope you can synthesize that voice because you seem so passive in this paper =[
Overall I think you have a potentially great paper, but not currently as is. My biggest gripe is you don't address the reader. You don't say "You" once. I'm sure if you did it would make the world's difference.
Fix the run on sentence that is your intro paragraph and try to use an anecdote. Focus on your strong points, don't ever mentions things like "but I'm not fluent.". Religion is not culture, state how it is culturally relevant "While I was visiting Mexico it seemed religion and life were one, there was hardly a place you couldn't find a burning Guadalupe candle! etc.. etc..." I hope you can synthesize that voice because you seem so passive in this paper =[
Overall I think you have a potentially great paper, but not currently as is. My biggest gripe is you don't address the reader. You don't say "You" once. I'm sure if you did it would make the world's difference.
MaxOneMillion
Jan 28, 2011
Scholarship / "an antonym to success is failure" - Scholarship: What does it take to be succesful? [3]
BUT AWESOME!
What a weird comparison! ---> My face froze like a devoted wife would after discovering her husband cheated with a younger woman.
BUT AWESOME!
MaxOneMillion
Jan 28, 2011
Scholarship / "will be like an adventure to me" - Study abroad scholarship essay, to spain [8]
Use your redundancy to your advantage, so instead of saying "I have visualized myself walking down the small and wide streets of Spain blah blah blah.."
say "thus the next time I'm visualizing small and wide streets of Spain the emotion, the inspiration and the whatever will be real." something like that; ye dig?
You go off on tangents about culture and language, stick to graphic design!! Please? =p
Use your redundancy to your advantage, so instead of saying "I have visualized myself walking down the small and wide streets of Spain blah blah blah.."
say "thus the next time I'm visualizing small and wide streets of Spain the emotion, the inspiration and the whatever will be real." something like that; ye dig?
You go off on tangents about culture and language, stick to graphic design!! Please? =p
MaxOneMillion
Jan 28, 2011
Scholarship / PAVE Transformation - Is the prompt clearly addressed? [4]
Personally I think I made clarity my biznitch, but what do you think?
and to the point I think it be better
Personally I think I made clarity my biznitch, but what do you think?
MaxOneMillion
Jan 28, 2011
Scholarship / PAVE Transformation - Is the prompt clearly addressed? [4]
It's supposed to be only 300 words, do you think the extra 10 words will disqualify me?
"What motivated you to take action within yourself or your community to break the cycle of violence?"
PAVE Transformation Scholarship
01/24/11
____The impending interrogation terrified me, thus I prepared my alibi. Bob was my court mandated therapist at the Botanical Wellness Center and I was immediately at his mercy. He shredded through my feigned emotional perfection and by the third or second visit he had me bawling; by the tenth or twentieth I could honestly say he was among the best of men I had ever met.
____If I just said "sherbert ice cream." you wouldn't know that I was actually talking my alcoholic of a father, and least favorite flavor of ice cream, but Bob phrased things like that to help me deal with my despair. That was his way of putting things and it made serious, emotionally charged subjects easier to talk about. I loved that. I wished I could do that for other people.
____On the night of March fifth, 2009 I was physically beaten by my father for the first time. I will never forget the feeling on somebody using a fist-full of my hair as leverage to slam my head into the linoleum. I had only lived with him for two and half months, and from the start it was only constant verbal abuse. Thus it should come as no surprise that in the time leading up to "the unlucky punch", another one of Bob's quirky phrases, I felt so lonely, cornered, neurotic, and self-hating. As you could now infer my crime was also one of violence,
____I write this essay because I know I can't go back in time and stop my self from doing what I did, but I do know that if I could, I would know exactly what to do and say to stop me from feeling so alone and dejected. So now I do and say for everybody who has been abused like me.
It's supposed to be only 300 words, do you think the extra 10 words will disqualify me?
"What motivated you to take action within yourself or your community to break the cycle of violence?"
PAVE Transformation Scholarship
01/24/11
____The impending interrogation terrified me, thus I prepared my alibi. Bob was my court mandated therapist at the Botanical Wellness Center and I was immediately at his mercy. He shredded through my feigned emotional perfection and by the third or second visit he had me bawling; by the tenth or twentieth I could honestly say he was among the best of men I had ever met.
____If I just said "sherbert ice cream." you wouldn't know that I was actually talking my alcoholic of a father, and least favorite flavor of ice cream, but Bob phrased things like that to help me deal with my despair. That was his way of putting things and it made serious, emotionally charged subjects easier to talk about. I loved that. I wished I could do that for other people.
____On the night of March fifth, 2009 I was physically beaten by my father for the first time. I will never forget the feeling on somebody using a fist-full of my hair as leverage to slam my head into the linoleum. I had only lived with him for two and half months, and from the start it was only constant verbal abuse. Thus it should come as no surprise that in the time leading up to "the unlucky punch", another one of Bob's quirky phrases, I felt so lonely, cornered, neurotic, and self-hating. As you could now infer my crime was also one of violence,
____I write this essay because I know I can't go back in time and stop my self from doing what I did, but I do know that if I could, I would know exactly what to do and say to stop me from feeling so alone and dejected. So now I do and say for everybody who has been abused like me.