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Posts by bhaweshwebmaste
Joined: Jun 28, 2011
Last Post: Jul 19, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 5
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bhaweshwebmaste   
Jul 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay "Our need for friendship may be greater than ever" [4]

Try splitting your first line into two sentences. It is unnecessarily long. ' Her' in the 10th sentence has no reference. Try replacing it with some noun.

All in all, it is a well written TOEFL essay. Good job.
bhaweshwebmaste   
Jul 19, 2011
Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

Your first paragraph seems to wordy.

Use more concise statement and don't use ' It ' pronoun without clear reference.

Nowadays, people from different corner of globe can watching same TV shows and films is a common phenomenon. However, the controversial issue is whether it is advantageous.

The second sentence of your second paragraph is quite long. Try splitting it into two short sentences. It will convey the stuff more clearly.
bhaweshwebmaste   
Jun 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country [7]

Thank you EF_Kevin and amrosca both,
I can't tell you, how valuable those suggestions have been.
Thank you for your valuable time and effort. You guys are great.

Below I have posted the essay with corrections in RED.

Glimmer of hope
It was a Saturday night and darkness reigned due to the regular power cut. I was out for my habitual walk on the road after dinner. Suddenly, a bomb exploded at neighbor's house and all I could hear was a stunning silence as if my hearing had been impaired for a while.

Within a minute, a crowd of people arrived at the entrance of the house and I rushed to the spot too. The gate of the house was dislodged from the wall it was fixed to and yards away from it, lay the bloody and heavily injured body of the security guard of the house. The road was covered by spiky nails and tiny iron balls from the bomb. An ambulance arrived in minutes and took the wounded guard to the hospital.

The next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb had been planted by one of the underground armed outfits operating in our region. Many such groups have risen amidst the political unrest in the country. They planted bombs, kidnapped and murdered people in the name of religious and political faiths. Amidst lack of security and political unrest, unemployment and lack of education have prevailed. People have been left with very little option and a crippling poverty to deal with. Thus, most of the youth have been choosing the shortcut of joining these groups for some quick money.

It was not so long ago when our country was a land of peace. But now lack of security and unrest rule the daily life here. Lack of options has resulted in unemployment and extreme poverty. Few years ago, my family couldn't afford a single meal per day. Rice and salt comprised our daily diet. Our secondary school didn't have fans in its classrooms and it took months before the books from government fund reached to us. For youths like us here, college education is a matter of chance than hard work and talent.

The bomb planted in my neighbor's house not only killed that innocent security guard but also his family's hopes and his children's future. Horrific imprints from such incidents are engraved in our minds as we work our way through, in the hope of a beautiful life. Yet these imperfections inspire me. The days of scarcity made me grateful towards the things that otherwise seem too minor to take note of. They made me realize the importance of every grain I swallow and every rupee I spend on buying books. I have learned to hope in the gravest of situations. I may be preparing for an education outside Nepal but such incidents remind me that my country is in desperate need of educated youths who can work within the country in the field of business, education, government service and technical expertise etc. With the education and experience I receive here, I hope to work in the education sector of Nepal and contribute my bit to improve condition of education in Nepal.
bhaweshwebmaste   
Jun 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country [7]

Thank You, Sir. The advice from your side was very important for me. I am not a native speaker of English so, I do have problems in expressing my views in coherent manner. See! I didn't even realize that words were in repetition.

And I am so encouraged that you liked this essay of mine.

Thank You again.
Good day.
bhaweshwebmaste   
Jun 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country [7]

Glimmer of hope

It was a Saturday night and darkness reigned due to the regular power cut. I was out for my regular walk on the road after dinner. Suddenly, a bomb exploded at neighbor's house and all I could hear was a stunning silence as if my hearing had been impaired for a while.

Within a minute, a crowd of people arrived at the gate and I rushed to the spot too. The entrance gate of the house was dislodged from the wall it was fixed to. Yards away from the entrance gate, lay the bloody and heavily injured body of the security guard of the house. The road was covered by spiky nails and iron balls from the bomb. An ambulance arrived in minutes and took the injured guard to the hospital.

Next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb was planted by one of the underground armed outfit operating in our region. Many armed groups have risen amidst the political unrest in the country. They plant bombs and kidnap and murder people in the name of religious and political faiths. Amidst lack of security and political unrest, unemployment and lack of education have prevailed. People are left with very little option and a crippling poverty to deal with. Thus, most of the youth choose the shortcut of joining these groups for some quick money.

It was not so long ago when our country was a land of peace. But now lack of security and unrest rule the daily life here. Lack of options has resulted in unemployment and extreme poverty. It wasn't so long ago when my family couldn't afford a single meal per day. Rice and salt was our daily diet. Our secondary school didn't have fans in its classrooms and it took months before the books from government fund reached to us. For youths like us here, college education is a matter of chance than hard work and talent.

The bomb planted in my neighbor's house not only killed that innocent security guard but also his family's hopes and his children's future. Horrific imprints from such incidents are engraved in our minds as we work our way through, in the hope of a beautiful life. Yet these imperfections inspire me. The days of scarcity made me grateful towards the things that otherwise seem too minor to take note of. I realize the importance of every grain I swallow and every rupee I spend on buying books. These situations taught me to hope even in the gravest of the situations. I may be preparing for an education outside Nepal but such incidents remind me that my country needs me. With the education and experience I receive there, I hope to serve my country in a creative way. After my education I would like to return to my country because it is in desperate need of educated youth who can contribute towards saving a fractured nation.
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