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"Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country


bhaweshwebmaste 1 / 4  
Jun 28, 2011   #1
Glimmer of hope

It was a Saturday night and darkness reigned due to the regular power cut. I was out for my regular walk on the road after dinner. Suddenly, a bomb exploded at neighbor's house and all I could hear was a stunning silence as if my hearing had been impaired for a while.

Within a minute, a crowd of people arrived at the gate and I rushed to the spot too. The entrance gate of the house was dislodged from the wall it was fixed to. Yards away from the entrance gate, lay the bloody and heavily injured body of the security guard of the house. The road was covered by spiky nails and iron balls from the bomb. An ambulance arrived in minutes and took the injured guard to the hospital.

Next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb was planted by one of the underground armed outfit operating in our region. Many armed groups have risen amidst the political unrest in the country. They plant bombs and kidnap and murder people in the name of religious and political faiths. Amidst lack of security and political unrest, unemployment and lack of education have prevailed. People are left with very little option and a crippling poverty to deal with. Thus, most of the youth choose the shortcut of joining these groups for some quick money.

It was not so long ago when our country was a land of peace. But now lack of security and unrest rule the daily life here. Lack of options has resulted in unemployment and extreme poverty. It wasn't so long ago when my family couldn't afford a single meal per day. Rice and salt was our daily diet. Our secondary school didn't have fans in its classrooms and it took months before the books from government fund reached to us. For youths like us here, college education is a matter of chance than hard work and talent.

The bomb planted in my neighbor's house not only killed that innocent security guard but also his family's hopes and his children's future. Horrific imprints from such incidents are engraved in our minds as we work our way through, in the hope of a beautiful life. Yet these imperfections inspire me. The days of scarcity made me grateful towards the things that otherwise seem too minor to take note of. I realize the importance of every grain I swallow and every rupee I spend on buying books. These situations taught me to hope even in the gravest of the situations. I may be preparing for an education outside Nepal but such incidents remind me that my country needs me. With the education and experience I receive there, I hope to serve my country in a creative way. After my education I would like to return to my country because it is in desperate need of educated youth who can contribute towards saving a fractured nation.

amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 28, 2011   #2
Hei there! :D
I loved your essay. The intro is just great and it's good that you have started with a personal experience. However, it is missing a certain flow. There are a lot of word repetitions all over the text, try to replace some with synonyms.

Good luck at getting in the college you want! :)

It was a Saturday night and darkness reigned due to the regular power cut (this is just amazing!!!) . I was out for my regular(/usual) walk on the road after dinner. [...]

Within a minute, a crowd of people arrived at the gate and I rushed to the spot too. The entrance gate of the house was dislodged from the wall it was fixed to. Yards away from the entrance gate , lay the bloody and heavily injured body of the security guard of the house. The road was covered by spiky nails and iron balls from the bomb. An ambulance arrived in minutes and took the injured guard to the hospital.

Next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb was planted by one of the underground armed outfit operating in our region. Many armed groups have risen [...]. People arewere left with very little option and a crippling poverty to deal with. Thus, most of the youth choosechose(/has been choosing) the shortcut of joining these groups for some quick money. [I think you should stick to the past tense even in those last sentences.]

I may be preparing for an education outside Nepal, but such incidents remind me that my country needs me. With the education and experience I receive there, I hope to serve my country in a creative way. [Hm, perhaps you could choose something else rather than "creative". You sound so intense and then you say "creative" flattening everything.]
OP bhaweshwebmaste 1 / 4  
Jun 29, 2011   #3
Thank You, Sir. The advice from your side was very important for me. I am not a native speaker of English so, I do have problems in expressing my views in coherent manner. See! I didn't even realize that words were in repetition.

And I am so encouraged that you liked this essay of mine.

Thank You again.
Good day.
amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 30, 2011   #4
I'm glad this has been a bit useful!
Even though you aren't a native speaker your English is not bad at all. I think you reached that point where you just need to expand your vocabulary a bit. I personally did that by watching lots of movies and serials and books are of course also helpful. Just find an enjoyable way to incorporate English in your life.

After making the corrections perhaps you could post the essay again. I would recommend using dictionary.com for finding synonyms; they make some good suggestions. :D
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 30, 2011   #5
The next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb had been was planted by one of the underground armed outfits operating in our region.

Let's use COMPRISED here: Rice and salt comprised our daily diet.

... because it is in desperate need of educated youth who can contribute towards saving a fractured nation.---Can you be more specific about what it needs? If you can, you can be specific when setting goals for yourself.

I am impressed! Great thread...

I think you should stick to the past tense even in those last sentences.

Agreed! That makes a nice style... it's one of those "fine points" of writing, keeping verb tenses as consistent as possible, unless it is useful to artfully jump tenses.
OP bhaweshwebmaste 1 / 4  
Jun 30, 2011   #6
Thank you EF_Kevin and amrosca both,
I can't tell you, how valuable those suggestions have been.
Thank you for your valuable time and effort. You guys are great.

Below I have posted the essay with corrections in RED.

Glimmer of hope
It was a Saturday night and darkness reigned due to the regular power cut. I was out for my habitual walk on the road after dinner. Suddenly, a bomb exploded at neighbor's house and all I could hear was a stunning silence as if my hearing had been impaired for a while.

Within a minute, a crowd of people arrived at the entrance of the house and I rushed to the spot too. The gate of the house was dislodged from the wall it was fixed to and yards away from it, lay the bloody and heavily injured body of the security guard of the house. The road was covered by spiky nails and tiny iron balls from the bomb. An ambulance arrived in minutes and took the wounded guard to the hospital.

The next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb had been planted by one of the underground armed outfits operating in our region. Many such groups have risen amidst the political unrest in the country. They planted bombs, kidnapped and murdered people in the name of religious and political faiths. Amidst lack of security and political unrest, unemployment and lack of education have prevailed. People have been left with very little option and a crippling poverty to deal with. Thus, most of the youth have been choosing the shortcut of joining these groups for some quick money.

It was not so long ago when our country was a land of peace. But now lack of security and unrest rule the daily life here. Lack of options has resulted in unemployment and extreme poverty. Few years ago, my family couldn't afford a single meal per day. Rice and salt comprised our daily diet. Our secondary school didn't have fans in its classrooms and it took months before the books from government fund reached to us. For youths like us here, college education is a matter of chance than hard work and talent.

The bomb planted in my neighbor's house not only killed that innocent security guard but also his family's hopes and his children's future. Horrific imprints from such incidents are engraved in our minds as we work our way through, in the hope of a beautiful life. Yet these imperfections inspire me. The days of scarcity made me grateful towards the things that otherwise seem too minor to take note of. They made me realize the importance of every grain I swallow and every rupee I spend on buying books. I have learned to hope in the gravest of situations. I may be preparing for an education outside Nepal but such incidents remind me that my country is in desperate need of educated youths who can work within the country in the field of business, education, government service and technical expertise etc. With the education and experience I receive here, I hope to work in the education sector of Nepal and contribute my bit to improve condition of education in Nepal.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 2, 2011   #7
Hmm... I don't know if habitual can be used that way. I might be a habitual criminal offender, but I don't know if that makes the criminal offenses habitual. You are a habitual walker, but I don't know if the walk is habitual. You should check the definition... I am not sure...

religious and political faiths.

Political faith... sounds cool... but... maybe you should write religious faith and political affiliation.

Anyway, like Ana said before, this is a strong essay!!


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