Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

Describe current and past experience with the promotion of diversity and how these previous experiences will impact your future promotion of diversity
I don't think you have completely answered this question. Try to come up with some things you've done that involved sharing culture with others... I think the first half of the paper is kind of vague, It would be way more interesting to add specific, personal scenarios... I really think that that is what the question is asking for.

Diversity is not only different skin colors but a person's background; their principles with diverse range of interests, beliefs and experiences.
I think you could write something more profound in place of this sentence. It is too basic.

We don't all have to agree or disagree on a topic; the beauty of it is being able to see different points of views.

At this point in your paper, begin leading into the paper by a sentence like: Diversity helps us to learn, be accepting and inspired, and to appreciate the heritage that other cultures can teach us.

Strolling down the streets of *****a, I encounter various people from all around the world.
How about something more specific, where people gather, like a park, mall, or festival.

I can contribute to the diversity at ***** University by numerous characteristics.
Be sure to explain what "actions" you took to promote diversity... not necessarily your personal qualities.

Essays / Choosing a topic; RTA School of Media Research-Based Essay [4]

Albert Einstein once said, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." How does this apply to you?
This one is interesting, because you could write a bit about how Einstein is inspiring in so many ways, say for 1 paragraph (and explore what he means by this quote). Then perhaps you could explain that traditional schooling is possibly too generic, or even "controlled" so that young people are shaped in a way that the government wants them to be. It would be interesting to come up with reasons why un-schooling is important to some parents, who disagree with the standard education. Instead, they choose to encourage the child's innate talents and abilities, they put more emphasis on the child's strengths and nurture them, while putting some "unnecessary" subjects on the back burner. Or, in the time that a child is sitting at a desk in school all day, they could be exploring a nature trail, or a tidepool, or a museum, or reading novels... and a without traditional school, a child is allowed to learn at their own pace and what is interesting to them. How does it apply to you? What aspects about standard education do you feel may have hindered your true interests or abilities?

Essays / A short satirical essay on old people. [2]

I think you are on the right track, but didn't "nail it" I think that it sounds a little too negative and I'd like it to be more light and funny... it sounds like you are grouchy while writing it. Here are the parts that I think you could improve on:

This is a fine moral value to instill on a child but once that child begins to age, he or she will begin to see the truth behind the lies.

This is too serious.

Having refined motor skills is imperative to lead an active lifestyle. Unless a person does nothing but sit in front of a TV all day, they need to possess them. Old people do not have very good motor skills.

Can you make this more interesting?

This is because old people are worthless when it comes to memory, at least short term.
This is kind of sad, too serious... find a way to make it funnier.

Writing Feedback / Write a short story about a meal at a Thai restaurant [3]

Hi, your paper sounds really great :) I have a few suggestions.

It is not the norm for me to visit a large variety of restaurants or for me to write a restaurant review. However, after dining at Thai Lotus for the first time, I was invigorated to write one.

This might sound better: It is rare for me to visit restaurants or write reviews on them. Since I dined at Thai Lotus for the first time, I was inspired to write my first review.

It was just a typical weekend. My family left for another vacation.
This might sound better: "On a typical weekend, my family went out of town, leaving me to choose my own meals."

They gave me the menu and waited for me to decide on my order.

Therefore, even if I was unsure, I could observe the corresponding image and choose from there.decide if it was appealing.

Seeing asBecause it is one of my favorite drinks, I ordered it.

However, those pictures made me want to give it a try.
You could also say this: "The delicious looking dishes in the pictures inspired me to try something new."

Undergraduate / "The Rut"; Common App Transfer Essay [2]

Fantastic job! I have a few suggestions to change your wording.

Gracie is mildly autistic; meaning life is not as carefree and easy for her as anythe other children of her age.

awkward transition to this sentence: One thing, however, that she loves and that we do every week is gardening.
Maybe say it like this: "Her favorite activity is gardening, and we spend time together in the garden every week."

All of her frustration and difficulties with her autism melt away and disappear as soon as we step onto that little plot of land.

We are still learning, becauseh alf the flowers are drooping and the carrots we tried to plant last year failed miserably.

It's not much to others, but for us, it's our own little piece of happiness where we can escape all the trouble of the world.the both of us .

I felt the empty hole in my life that wanted to be filled with daring adventures.and wasn't.

Undergraduate / Taking care of baby sister/Volunteer SFU;UBC ADMISSIONS - EXPERIENCE/ FIVE ACTIVITIES [2]

Over time, I have learned everything there was toabout tending to a baby. BeingBecause I was the eldest, I persevered as I felt the urge to help my parents in any way possible.

I am fully aware of how difficult it must be to raise an adolescent, especially on your own.
I think this does not connect well to the previous sentences, first you speak of a baby, then you go on to speak of an adolescent. So, I assume that you cared for your sister until she was an adolescent... or, maybe you are trying to relate to the way your parents felt about raising you. Either way, it is a bit confusing and out of place. You can improve on this.

Because I have enduredsimilarthese challenges, I now have a greater appreciation for mothers and fathers.

Since I had a taste of what it feels like to be a mother, I know that at my present age, I am no where near ready to have a child of my own.

This is an ok point to make, but instead of saying this, you could mention how you learned to be responsible and how to be nurturing, therefore it helped you grow as a person.

Graduate / MSc Human-Computer Interaction | Statement of Intent [2]

Combining this with the practical knowledge I acquired while working at **company**, I have a unique view of both, the academic and economic aspects while still studying.

This sentence sounds a little awkward, maybe you can clear this up by saying it in a more simple way? You are trying to say that your goal is to combine your work experience and your education to move forward in your career.

A very interesting part is the vast amount of possibilities for human-computer interaction.
Maybe this would sound better: "I am interested in the vast amount of possibilities for the analysis of human-computer interaction."

During my bachelor program I never lost my psychological interest, which is why my very first practical experience was the evaluation of possibilities for interactive projections.

Or, you could say it like this: "My interest in psychology persisted during my bachelor degree program. This inspired my very first practical experience, which was the evaluation of possibilities for interactive projections."

Every sense provides us with a new way to interact with a computer.
Another way to say this: "Analysis of the human senses is a new way of studying computer interaction."

Undergraduate / "Being different to make a difference"-U of Washington Int. Transfer Personal Statement [3]

I hate being different. That is what had been on top of my mind before high school.
Is there any way to turn this into a more positive introduction? It would be more positive to say "I'm unique", or "I march to the beat of my own drum." I'm afraid that it is not ideal to start your essay with words like "hate."

A Chinese person would save money to expand his business, while a native would spend it frivolouslyfor fun once he gets it, leading to stagnancy.

While I was proud at the statement for the sake of Chinese superiority, I doubt if non-Chinese would not be successful at all.
Try this instead: "When I heard that statement, I felt proud of my heritage. However, I found it hard to believe that a non-Chinese person couldn't be successful."

The church I went into barricaded itself from the diverse world, struggling with Chinese Indonesian members that all came from rich family, not knowing why they ended up in the church themselves, other than sent by their parents.

I find this a bit confusing. I'd like to see you tidy this up a bit, because this statement seems important. It is hard to know exactly what is the purpose of this statement.

I hated being different, but I do felt that I'm different.
I think everyone can relate to this sentiment. But, I'd like to see you turn this statement into a positive one. I do see that, later in the essay, you reveal that you used your uniqueness to your advantage, which is excellent. The college is surely looking for a student as unique as you :)

AtDuring primary school, I would bewas the student in the computer room who wouldtrying all the buttons that appeared on games, rather than playing itthem procedurally.

I befriended with Iranians and Ethiopians, and respectful Muslims in hijabs who do nothave no fear of discrimination,by speaking up why they are proud to do what they do.with pride.

Undergraduate / Be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions -- Queen's Commerce SE [3]

Hello :) I do believe you correctly interpreted the prompt question.

After my "unwise" decision to help disabled athletes in Singapore was rejected by my mentor, I had to launch a social entrepreneurship project with myself being the only participant, because nearly everybody considered it a waste of time to work for a poorly-rated organization that received little public attention.

I do like how you get "right to the point" but you seem to be rushing right into it. I'd like to know which grade you were in when you undertook this project. Also, this introductory sentence is far too long. However, this does show your persistence and determination- both qualities that the college wants to see in a student :)

After all, it would be extremely hard to persuade customers and sponsors to donate money for a group of people they hardly knew about.
You probably shouldn't end this sentence with "about"

But I was determined to raise funds and public awareness for Singapore Disability Sports Council (SDSC), despite the prediction that my plan was doomed to fail.

This makes me wonder why it was predicted to fail, was it because your mentor told you so?

Through my connections with the student council at secondary school, I managed to collaborate with some art students who helped me with the designs of thousands of postcards.

I recommend changing this sentence to: My student council associates connected me to art students, who collaborated with me to design thousands of cards. This shows how resourceful you are, and that you are great at networking.

With a brief introduction of SDSC and its missions, these specially designed postcards were sold by volunteers along Singapore's busiest streets.
If you manage to cut anything out of your essay, it might be helpful to add in a description of how you obtained volunteers to do this.

Besides harvesting leadership and interactive skills, I also became more determined in pursuing my goals, as every idea was definitely worth trying, no matter how unrealistic it might appear at the start.

This sentence is too wordy. I'd simplify, remove "harvesting leadership..." because you are stating the obvious. Be very clear and straightforward about exactly what you did and how it affected you.

Such experience also taught me to be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions, skills that I deemed essential in becoming a successful entrepreneur in the future.

Try something like this: I have now learned the skills required of an entrepreneur, and my experiences have raised my ambition to succeed.

Undergraduate / An Unbreakable Bond - the loss of a friend can destroy a life and change someone's perspective [3]

Hello :) I enjoyed reading your essay, and I'd also like to express my sympathy, your paper is very touching :) I think it looks fantastic. I have a few recommendations for changing your wording, which is good but could be edited a bit.

After I realized he would not be able to ride his bike over or offer his brotherly advice anymore, it hit me that he was truly gone.

This might sound better: "Once I realized he would never again ride his bike..."

The majority of my life, I was an extremely shy girl.
I think this would be better: "For most of my life, I was extremely shy."

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know how to ride a bike or had ever faced my fear of going into the deep end of the pool.

"He supported me through many frightening challenges, like learning how to ride a bike, or diving into the deep end of the pool. "

However one day, he was unexpectedly taken away from me.
"Tragically, he was unexpectedly taken from me."

Knowing that the boy who had been there for me almost my entire life was no longer there devastated me.
"I was devastated by the fact that he was no longer by my side."

I put up a strong front and pretended everything was alright on the inside though, I was shattered.
Although I was completely shattered, I put up a strong front and pretended that I was fine.