Undergraduate / 'something new to slip my bookmark into' - Common App Supplement- personal narrative [5]

Wow, a truly great essay! Your response shows a lot of personality and maturity. Great job and good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'the same dream about my father every night' - Georgetown - Early Action [5]


All of these commas are entirely unnecessary. "Although my hands remain unblemished as of today, thirty years from now, I am confident that whether my hands are completely disfigured like my father's or perfectly intact, I will look down at them and be proud of the man they represent. "

Undergraduate / Diverse Background, my experiences, and character - My Common App Personal Statement [4]

new draft with revisions.

7:41 am. There I sat, gazing off into distance while thoughts raced inside my head. I clutched what ties to reality I still maintained: three #2 pencils, a pink eraser, and my TI-83 calculator. Students surrounded me on all sides, their faces bearing the same expressions of anxiety and exhaustion as my own. The proctor proceeded to hand out the booklets, and I began to fill in the empty lines with my name, birthday, and social security number, until I found myself unexpectedly bewildered and annoyed by a single question: "How do you describe your race/ethnicity?"

Never have I felt that a one-word phrase can truly articulate how I choose to identify my race and ethnicity. I do not regard myself as exclusively Asian, nor am I entirely Latino, yet in no way do I consider myself to be "other." This paradox has emerged from my diverse background; the blend of cultures and experiences that my life has amounted to have transformed me into the unique, compassionate, and genuine person that I am.

My identity has developed in response to the mix of people and places that I derive myself from. Having grown up in the Philippines, my mom immigrated to New York when she was 6, becoming the first in her family to set foot on American soil. My dad, on the other hand, was raised by his Puerto Rican parents in poverty on the east-side of Chicago along with his eight siblings. The results of greatly divergent places, cultures, and families, my parents came together and instilled in me a combination of all that they know and are. This has manifested itself in a variety of experiences: eating squidballs from a street vendor in Manila, attending midnight Christmas masses, and cheering on the White Sox from the bleachers at SafeCo Field. While traditions such as consuming noodles for good luck on birthdays and singing karaoke until the twilight hours may seem unorthodox to others, they remain conventions of my everyday life. These idiosyncrasies represent but a fragment of the collective experiences I have relished, however they still manage to contribute to who I am. From my hair that stands straight up to my seemingly ethnic yet all too common last name, my heritage and background have given me the unique characteristics which will someday become a symbol of success within my family.

While my parents' contributions to my identity have been predominant, I have enjoyed a distinct array of other experiences that have shaped me as well. I have conversed with a man from Bangladesh on the bus about the differences between Kiwanis Club and Lions Club. I have eaten jajangmyeon and bulgolgi with my friends at a local Korean restaurant. I have discussed the benefits of communism with a homeless man at a local shelter. The diverse community I am from has allowed me to experience various people, cultures, and beliefs, from which I draw not only experience but inspiration. I combine these multifaceted experiences and arrange them into something intangible yet invaluable, continually reminding me of where I come from and motivating me to achieve all that I can.

I anticipate the day in which a phrase will hold the power to capture these realities of the world I come from. As time passes, I will continue to learn, grow, and blend new people and places into this puzzle I call my identity, making it even more difficult to accurately pinpoint exactly who I am. So as I sit here attempting to "describe my race/ethnicity," I am happy to know that no matter which answer I bubble in, it will never be able to fully express the breadth and significance of my background, my experiences, and my character.

Undergraduate / Diverse Background, my experiences, and character - My Common App Personal Statement [4]

bumpity bump bump, any one else want to please edit?

Undergraduate / 'a supportive and structured environment' - Northwestern Statement [3]

"She told me that because of Northwestern's prestige and standing in the scientific community, the government funds the school well. I was ecstatic to know that the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences will provide me with the most up-to-date systems and technologies that other colleges cannot afford."

Im not sure if commenting on Northwestern's funding is the strongest point to make about your desire to attend. Perhaps you should say something about how " the Weinbeg CAS will offer me access to resources and technologies available at no other school" or something.

Overall a great essay though! Could you help with mine please?

Undergraduate / 'a national history prize' - about common application additional information [5]

That sounds like a really long essay! Perhaps You should try posting this on College Confidential under the commonapp section!

Undergraduate / "Place in the Jewish American community" - U of M supplement essay [4]

Growing up attending Sunday school at my synagogue, my teachers and rabbi often talked about how each of us fit into both the Jewish community and the community of America. Their favorite question to ask of us was, "Are we American Jews, or Jewish Americans?" For years, that question seemed to me abstract and irrelevant. We were both American and Jewish-was that not a simple enough answer?

It was a year and a half ago, during my synagogue's annual confirmation class trip to New York City, that I discovered the true answer. We were at Ellis Island, where our rabbi talked and we marveled, and after about half an hour, we entered the Registry Room, the room that every immigrant passed through to endure questioning before entering America. I was surprised when our rabbi ushered us into a corner, asking us to sit in a circle. Confused but willingly we sat, as our rabbi began to pray.

I tried to pray, but my mind wandered, imagining how many Jews had passed through this room, praying silently that they may continue on to New York City. Suddenly a silence fell and I realized that it was time to lead the prayer. The only person with eyes still open, I glanced around the room. My eyes happened upon the two prodigious American flags that flanked it, and suddenly, I felt it: The feelings of the thousands of Jews before me, Jews who wanted to be free, who wanted to be Americans. It did not matter if they were Jewish Americans or American Jews; what mattered was that they were Jewish and that they were coming to America. The syntax of their identity mattered not. They were both. I was both. I am an American Jew and a Jewish American and in that moment, I realized that being both has shaped me into who I am.

Its 314 words now, with some editing and revising. Hope this helps!

Scholarship / "the communication aspect of journalism" - My educational goals 250 words [2]

The communication aspect of journalism has always fascinated me. Growing up, I enjoyed both reading and writing. I would often write in one of my countless journals, many of which I still have today, elaborating on my thoughts and feelings towards a number of topics. These journals held my secrets, my stories, and my aspirations for a bright and successful future.

My dream of attaining a career in journalism was spawned during my time in middle school, sparked by an attraction to the power of words. Words that can expose injustices, examine catastrophes, and call attention to problems not often addressed in mainstream media. Whether spoken or written, the words of a journalist can hold the power to change the world, and this is what I ultimately hope to do. In order to have my goals of a career in journalism come to fruition, I aim to maintain and improve my grade point average through dedication to my schoolwork, as well as persisting in my community involvement through volunteerism and service. Not only this, but by participating in sports as well as extracurricular clubs, I can gain even more experiences that will drive to pursue my passions. I hope to attend the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University, where I will be equipped with the analytical as well as tactile knowledge necessary to enter journalism. If all goes well, I hope to one day see my name in print beneath an article of my own creation.

249 words. Hope you enjoy some of the changes I have made.

Undergraduate / "the School of Social Science" - Rice Supplement (Why [blank] school at Rice) [4]

bump. check it out someone :)

Undergraduate / "the School of Social Science" - Rice Supplement (Why [blank] school at Rice) [4]

I sat and focused, my eyes glued to the television, only looking away to observe the expression of awe upon my Mom's face. Slowly but surely, we watched as individual states on the map began to turn blue reflecting additional precincts reporting their results. At that moment, I began to cry, not tears of sorrow, but of joy and hope for a brighter future for our nation.

The election of President Obama was surely a historic moment for America, and its implications for the future cannot be dismissed. It ushered changing times for race relations in America, and has given hope to a new generation of minority students in their career choices. However, the shifting political landscape that has since emerged possesses an outlook so uncertain that it requires talented, young minds to work towards a future in its exploration.

I have a deep and genuine interest in pursuing Political Science at the School of Social Sciences at Rice. The School of Social Sciences is one of the most dynamic academic schools at Rice, with several interdisciplinary studies and opportunities for students, and I anticipate taking advantage of every opening available to me. These opportunities may manifest themselves with an internship at the Mayor of Houston's office, or in working with researchers and political analysts on uncovering the complex political intricacies that surround theocratic regimes in the Middle East. The School of Social Science not only offers a wide range of courses from renowned Professors in the field of my intended major, but also presents numerous studies in policy, economics, and sociology, all of which play vital roles in accurately evaluating rationale behind politics on a local and federal level. Not only do I plan to utilize the opportunities that present themselves directly through the School of Social Science, but also by discovering and taking part in extra-curricular activities, I can expand my horizons further, so as to achieve an even better grasp on my future. This may mean joining Rice's lauded forensics team, or perhaps becoming involved with one of the on-campus political organizations like the BISF.

With its vast offerings, the School of Social Science will be an ideal stepping-stone for me, as it provides the rigorous academics that will shape my critical thinking as well as the tactile experience that is necessary in Political Science.

with some changes, now 1999 characters.
THANKS Susan!