Undergraduate / I'm from Hong-Kong - common app essay! [4]

Indeed, the essay was a good one, one that is rare among the Chinese at my place. I am Chinese too, but I am not as good as you are. In fact it did not look like a Chinese' essay. No offense intended, but at my place the Chinese boys are really bad with their English compositions, with a few exceptions.

The essay pulls me into your world, which is nice to feel. Therefore, keep up the good work! Oh and, your parents are great xD.

NOTE: I hate biology though.

Essays / I want to write a perfect essay about myself to go to USA [4]

Oh and, one thing good about writing something that you experienced is that you not only know it, but live it! That alone gives you inspiration to describe the strings of events from a seemingly paradoxical (it is paradoxical because your readers may feel that your experience is absurd, yet you have gone through it!) point of view.

Also, let me point out that there is no "perfect" essay. Every essay has its flaws, but sometimes it is because of the flaws that makes the essay unique.

Essays / Voyage of discovery English essay - I don't know how to start it [3]

Is it a subjective essay? You can talk about anything? Well in that case I'm happy to help :D

That title sounds like "a journey where you discover something important". First of all, think of the message you would like to convey to your readers. For example "friends are precious" or "time cannot change your emotions".

Then, start your essay with sentences that are mysterious or moody (well that is my style). I'll give a sample:

Voices are heard everywhere. Some reminds me of my loudspeaker teacher back in high school, while others tends to have a higher pitch. The owners of these vibrant sounds, people, we call them, never seizes to stop. It annoys my auditory senses, occasionally; however such noises are expected in this kind of event.

Some of them are laughing; some are crying. Their children are full of excitement; their minds travel to the sights of beautiful white dresses, black tuxedos and best of all cakes. I hear these people conversing every now and then and attracted diverse responses. The subject, however, was the same. I find it hard not to eavesdrop because of the volume of their voices; and indeed, it is about her. The person I have known since I was six. Sara.

That's the intro. Sorry, I am very bad with fictional essays as I am mediocre when it comes to describing the noises and what not. But you get the idea right? Then you go on and say how you discovered that message. My sample was to convey the message "Time does not change your feelings for that special person" but I only wrote the beginning. I would go on to talk about her wedding day (which IS the setting I used), the groom, the people's expressions and reactions to the wedding.

The climax would be the bride's situation and her expressions, of course. She's the star :D. Then I'd go on with what I felt during the officiation (It will definitely be very emo) and how I thought I convinced myself that I was not affected by her 10 years ago. Then I will let my main to converse with the bride to torture him even more :D Then in the end...well uh, I'll throw in something emo like Sara smiled. However as she does so, watery substances began flowing from her eyes, and it reddened a little. Was it tears? Before I could open my mouth, Sara blinks while smiling and spoke with a sigh, "You are 15 minutes too late."

Please excuse my emo-ness xD. I hope that helps. You can end your story differently, like using the monologue device to describe your character's thoughts.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay: marry someone familiar or different? [3]

What kind of feedback do you need? There are 2 types of feedback, from my point of view. The first is a technical feedback, which is about your grammar and vocabulary. The second one would be the subjective feedback, which is more on one's specific opinions and ideas.

I will post both, in case you need both =). Of course, for the technical part, I will only address a few, otherwise this post will be enormous X.X, and from my experience long posts are pain to read, if we touch on every single bit of information, even those that are less vital. Please note that I am no grammarian, so don't expect terms like subjunctive, verbs and the like much.

Marriage is a relationship depends upon the trust, faith and love.

1. Usually we would say "marriage is a relationship that/which depends on ..."
2. when we use the in such a sentence, it indicates that we referring to the qualities that belongs to something or someone. Here, your sentence is 'hanging' because you said that matrimony is based on the trust, faith and love, but of what? Whose trust, faith and love? Moreover, you used upon where a reader would expect an object, person or abstract concept to follow. (Example: Once upon a time. In this sentence time is the abstract concept which follows upon)

In my country India marriage is divided in to two parts one is arrange marriage and another one is love marriage.

1. in to should be connected: into
2. arranged marriage, as it is decided usually before the bride/groom knows about it.
3. another one is inappropriate in this sentence because there are only 2 types of marriage; another one (from my point of view) means that there are more than 2 type of marriage. Furthermore, you should be specific; since there are ONLY 2 types, the appropriate connector would be the other one.

It is true that marry with a similar person is better than marry with a different person .For example if two person have same interest and nature they will face less difficulties to communicate each other, to understand each others feelings and thoughts they can spend much time with each other make better plan for life.

1. Your reasoning should not be connected by the connector for example because an example is one of the situations that emerge from a concept. Instead you should use a connector such as this is because, when, the reason is.

(Example: Marrying a person with similar traits as oneself is better than marrying a complete stranger. When both spouses can relate to each other in terms of interest and temperament, it makes planning their future together much easier. For example, Jack understands Julia's obsession towards golf because he himself likes playing golf. Therefore, while he does not allow Julia to indulge in golf games daily because of the expenses, he made it understood that Julia can enjoy a few golf games during the weekends.)

Now for the subjective feedback. =)

In marriage couple should not only live together but they should understand to each other, they should respect the feeling of each other.

In fact, if they do not understand each other they would not be living together very long. Soon one of the spouses would run away from home or file a divorce, unless they are apathetic.

Now the marriage is not only a social boundation or the permeation of the society to fulfill physical requirement but it's a commitment between two people of the different sex for the life long.

Please elaborate. I do not agree with this because in the past matrimony is also a source of emotional support which is the result of commitment towards one's spouse. Therefore, from my perspective, if commitment is lacking in a relationship, the individuals involved will be emotionally thrown out of equilibrium. While technology and society has advanced, our emotional needs has yet to see a significant change. Hence, the concept applies regardless of what time-line a person is in because as I have said, our emotional needs have always been quite similar. This brings me to my conclusion that commitment is vital for the existence of a stable relationship regardless of age.

In my opinion for a successful marriage it is very important that both the person should not only know and love each other but they should respects each others feelings understand each other very well.

This sentence contains a contradiction. To a certain extent, one would usually respect his loved one, assuming the love is genuine. Likewise, to know someone is similar to understanding someone.

The most important thing is that both of them are honest and faith full to each other.

There are some other important aspects in a relationship that you should talk about as well. This includes but is not limited to taking the initiative. What this means is that you should always try to address a problem when it emerges between you and your spouse. This conveys the message to your spouse that you care for what is at hand. It is also about spending time with your spouse and so on. This point is a big one, but I think you should understand it. I will not go into it because it is often more fruitful to let my reader(s) ponder, from my experience =).

It is true that marry with a similar person is better than marry with a different person .For example if two person have same interest and nature they will face less difficulties to communicate each other, to understand each others feelings and thoughts they can spend much time with each other make better plan for life.

This is the core of your essay, yet you did not elaborate much. This is just a general statement, which is something you put in your introduction. You should go more into why they will face less difficulties if they share similar characteristics and interests.

As for your point, I beg to differ. I believe it is more about attitude and perspective than passive traits that enables a firm foundation to materialize. One almost definitely needs to be patient, devoted and persistent when building a blissful relationship. Also, it is equally important to put oneself in his spouse's shoes before making his own conclusions about the situation at hand.

That's about it. Anyway, in the technical feedback, you should realise that I talked about your intro and conclusion. This is because in academic essays, the examiner checks those parts of the essay before going through everything else. That goes without saying that your initial grade/score will be determined in these paragraphs, which is gradually changed with the other paragraphs. Therefore scoring well here will mean a decent final score. At least, that is the method practiced at my place. It is called impression-marking.

It is a good attempt from your part. Just be sure to spell-check after you have finished your essay to avoid those technical errors and elaborate more. If you need to, illustrate. Finally, do make sure that paragraphs are distant from each other, to ensure that your essay is easy to read.

That's all. Good luck!