Posts by nikolnikonchuk

nikolnikonchuk

Oct 4, 2011

Undergraduate / Students: The Real Problem with American Schools - Common App - Not Personal Enough? [2]

In my opinion,I am not trying to be mean, it is not personal at all.
First. you never answeared the question.
It is asking what and then not just the general importance of the issue but the analises of how it impacts you and the effect it will continue to have in your mind.

you might want to put in a counter argument from the opposite opinion and then say whay you are still right becasue this is very one sided and therefore can be easily criticized as biased, not always true, and arrogant.

The important part of the essay is the diffrent levels which society around you will be impacted by the issue and how will that impact later cause a change on you. rather then saying USA will go down the toilet you should bring a historical example showing how ancestors worked hard to built a country for the oppertunity of learning but instad we are faced with this sad reality now that if we do not change will impact this and that which will cause a reaction in this and that.

Make this more topic+your feelings about topic+topic influence+ influence of it on you, kind of essay.
and you rant a bit too much about the school's low swimers which makes you have a feeling of superiority rather then concern for the issue. you also have way too many short and croped simple sentences. Unless you are not in high school yet, make it more complex.

(I know my grammer is bad but please ignore it sense I english is one of my newly gained langueges, so note what I wrote because I really think it will improve the essay.)

hope it helped.

nikolnikonchuk

Oct 4, 2011

Writing Feedback / Can't decipher this essay format and instructions, anyone want to give it a shot? [2]

You might not take my words,please don't, as set in stone but do not use I. any essay unless your teacher streight out sais use I will sound unproffesional sense you are no longer in JH. If you were supposed to use I but didn't, your essay will still sound stronger because it woill be based on facts rather then opinions so it is a + situation either way. Rather then saying someone is better then someone else in one sentance try to develope it over a paragraph by stating the incorect facts of on person and correcting them with the theories of the other. try to prove your point through examples dating from early times to current to prove that your point is held up by society and is not just an opinion. focus on the mentality of individuals and the surroundings that might have effected them to react or think in a sertain way toward what ever you are writing. long story short, prove your point through the mental state and physical actions of individuals through out history toward your subject.

Oh! and Use the opinions of your teacher but outside examples so that you won't be thought of as repetative.
Hope it kind of helped,
sorry if it did not :)

comment on my essay,please?

nikolnikonchuk

Oct 4, 2011

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay: A Concept Learned [5]

So the essay is good description wise but it lacks YOU in it. It sais someone did a project, worked hard on the project, and had some ties with the project. Colleges receive hundreds of essays saying "my last summer went", "I did this" or "my mission trip in" but what all of these share in common is that they were not accepted because they only stated what happened. That is level one of writing, but colleges want level three.

You want to write about the impact that this project has on you. How did you feel when you thought of the topic? How did it make you feel or react when you remembered what happened to your relatives? How did this project change You?, well that is the basic. The college is looking to see that you are able to analyze your own feelings and actions and be able to converse them to someone like an adult. You, of course, need to mention what the project is and what type of research you did for it, but that should make up max of 6-8 sentences out of the whole essay.

It is important to show College that you are an individual who is unique, therefore write it! Don't be embarrassed if the essay is personal and emotional, it is supposed to be because that means it is real and not just a blow off format. I mean I Cried during the whole process of writing my essay about a friend's sport career ending due to a leg injury, so it is ok to be real. They want to know you, not the experiment.

My advice is just start on a blank page and write whatever first comes to mind, even if it makes no sense and you could think of better words to put it in,for now just write it. Then after you have your real thoughts and not formatted one on that paper begin looking at putting it into a beteer fomat but staying true to what is written.

nikolnikonchuk

Oct 4, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Mathematics and Life' - Cornell: Art and Science supplementary essay [7]

Thank you so much! that really helped,and yes my grammer is bad I know :)
I rewrote it and it is now 498 words,phew
If it isn't much trouble could you take a second look at it please?
-----
New Essay:
Fencing became part of my life after I moved to America from Israel at the age of ten. My mother felt that enrolling in a sport would help me adjust more quickly to my new life. I soon learned that fencing would empower me to become the best I could, no matter the endeavor.

Bam! The loud sound of my painful fall seemed to vibrate through the small gym. The strong force of the blade's impact on my chest at fencing practice caused me to be thrown to the ground while spectators giggled, adding to my humiliation. Rather than shamefully leaving the gym, I vowed that this would not happen again. I decided during that first pitiful practice that I would never take no for an answer and I would put in the necessary effort to become the best I could be.

In the following years I undertook this task through education. I honed my interests through the literature of the romantic Jane Austin, the exceptionally well written Russian books of Vladimir Nabokov (sense I am Russian in origin), and other influential writers as well as scientific discoveries. But amongst all of my newly gained fascinations I have truly fell in love with one, math. I appreciate objectives that are structured and organized and therefore I have come to favor math. I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations which govern strict laws and yield correct solutions. To me, Math is an assuring world that if studied firmly yields the enormous satisfaction of always guaranteeing you the correct answer and choices.

Through-out high school I have studied many of the classroom subjects ahead of time so that I will always be able to receive the satisfaction of being correct once the time to practice those equations came. Putting my whole-hearted effort into my interests allows me to prescience possible outcomes so that I will never be surprised by some unaccounted factor. After numerous day of hypothesizing over my career choices, I have come upon a field that combines my love for Mathematics together with my passion for structural perfection; I have discovered Economics. I desire to study at the Cornell University's College of Art and Science to enhance my knowledge of both mathematics and economics so that I can continue to pursue my interests. I wish to take advantage of Cornell's exceptional Economics program and elevated math courses in hope of it satiating my craving for new knowledge. I rejoice at the thought of taking Multivariable Calculus, Economics, and Management in a classroom where the teacher to student ratio allows each individual to reach their full potential rather than become another number in the crowd like in many other colleges. I wish to participate in the strong educational programs of Cornell to better my chances at entering the field of Economics internationally so that I am able to work with counties such as Spain, Israel, and Russia to improve the concepts of global economy.

Thank you for all help :)

nikolnikonchuk

Sep 25, 2011

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay: A Concept Learned [5]

Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.-- would sound better if combined or at least linked in ideas.

The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement.--- just an idea but

" I decided to focus on the south African countries of Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan because they were the key witnesses in the grotesque impact of internal displacement on __"--- it sounds less passive and more descriptive.

The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.--- it is passivly writen and does not show the emotional impact which it had on you(just stating that it had impact because you had relatives there sounds monotoned)

1)I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.--- can be combined-- "My strong dedication to enlighten the world of these overseen phenomenon drove me to thoroughly examine and intently analize my gathered data daily until my heart was fully satsfied with my gathered product."--just an idea(use whatever words you see fit)

2) "The topic of internal diplacement holds a vital placemetn in my heart because I had once witnessed myself the autrocities of my family members having to relocate form ancestral home land to an unidentified place in which they held no value."

3)A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes.--random(connect it to another sentance or put more detail into it about the effect of this relocation on the peoples social values or thoughts or mentality,etc.

sorry I couldn't spend a lot more time on this(I have a test so i need to go to sleep)
if my advice helped than write back and i'll tell you some other things i noticed

nikolnikonchuk

Sep 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Mathematics and Life' - Cornell: Art and Science supplementary essay [7]

thank you so much( I was too careless not to catch that)
If you have any more advice please help

nikolnikonchuk

Sep 25, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Mathematics and Life' - Cornell: Art and Science supplementary essay [7]

So, I am sitting at 579 words but I can't seem to condence it approprietly. And I definetly have grammer and spelling problems in there some where. PLEASE BE VERY HARSH!!! I NEED ALL THE HELP THAT I CAN GET!

Promt:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

Mathematics and Life:

Bam! The loud sound of my painful fall seemed to vibrate through the small gym. The strong force of the blade's impact on my chest at fencing practice caused me to loose balance and humiliatingly be thrown to the ground while the spectators giggle in the background. Oddly enough, this humiliation seemed to bring upon me a liveliness which I had seemed to have forgotten sense I immigrated to America. The suffocating hole that I had suddenly discovered within myself crept upon me the urge to rediscover myself and to live, rather than flow through, my own life.

I moved to America from Israel when I was ten and was urged by my mother to enroll in a sport to help me adjust quicker to my new life; hence fencing was introduced into my life. During the first practice I was knocked down harshly which for the first time since my relocation induced me to desire to get back up. I swallowed the bitter pill of disappointment from my failure which made me catechize the kind of void life which I had been living. While lying on the ground, bitter at my own failures, I vowed to revamp myself into a superior persona.

In the following years I undertook this task through education. I honed my interests through the literature of the Romantic Jane Austin, the exceptionally well written Russian books of Vladimir Nabokov (sense I am Russian in origin), and other influential writers. I was also fascinated how scientists strove to create and prove imaginative theories that most would not even hypothesize of existing. But amongst all of my newly gained fascinations I have truly fell in love with one, math. I appreciate objectives that are structured and organized and therefore I have come to favor math. I am ecstatic at the fact that math equations are fundamental regulations which govern strict laws that are only yieldable correct solutions. To me, Math is an assuring world that if studied firmly yields the enormous satisfaction of always guaranteeing you the correct answer and choices.

Through out high school I have studied many of the classroom subjects ahead of time so that I will always be able to receive the satisfaction of being correct once the time to practice those equations came. Putting my whole hearted effort into my interests allows me to prescience possible outcomes so that I will never be surprised by some unaccounted factor. After numerous day of hypothesizing over my career choices, I have come upon a field that combines my love for Mathematics together with my passion for structural perfection; I have discovered Economics. I desire to study at the Cornell University's College of Art and Science to striate my knowledge of both mathematics and economics so that I can continue to pursue my interests. I wish to take advantage of the Cornell's exceptional Economics program and elevated math courses in hope of it satiating my craving for new knowledge. I rejoice at the though of taking Multivariable Calculus, Economics, and Management in a classroom were the teacher to student ratio allows each individual to reach their full potential rather than being another number in the crowd like in other colleges. I wish to participate in the strong educational programs of Cornell to better my chances at entering the field of Economics internationally so that I am able to work with counties such as Spain, Israel, and Russia to improve the concepts of global economy.