Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hello all nobody has looked at my essay and i need to know how good it is please anyone who is free take a look and tell me what you think i thinks it the first one listed below where the title is just "Penn State Personal Statement" thank you to anyone who helps

Undergraduate / 'from a middle-class family in hong kong' - UC [7]

Not an expert but all of the posts i read from a lot of people never relate their essay to how their experiences are going to help them in college you have shown set goals that you want to be the person who helps but I feel in your application essays you should relate it to how everything you've done will help you to succeed in college where you may go.

Writing Feedback / "New Soil" - a college essay about heinies, aliens, and rasberry jam. [3]

It is hard to understand in the first paragraph however I think it could be cured if this is a two person exchange just say who the are once and establish a different tone for each person. And you need to describe how being from Finland and leaving to come to America will help you succeed in college directly relate it to several characteristics that will help you be successful in college.

Book Reports / Salem Witch Trials essay question. [3]

Well this is going to sound crazy but it had to do with a poor wheat crop the true reason for it happened had to do with the wheat being bad there was a strain of acid or something in it cause the girls to hallucinate. It sounds crazy but i learned it in forensics I'm pretty sure its true might want to do some googling before you include that point however.

Undergraduate / 'aiding in the flood relief in the fall' - Penn State Personal Statement [3]

Penn Sate Personal statement

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

"Small people in many small places do many small things that can change the face of the planet."-Anonymous in this quote the face of the planet is not necessarily the entire planet it is instead an area affected by the kind helping small acts of groups of people.

In the late summer and early fall of 2011 Northern Pennsylvania and Southwestern New York were struck by heavy flooding. I was not nor was my home affected by flooding however given an opportunity I applied myself to and was lucky enough to go to Athens, Pennsylvania to see firsthand and to help in flood relief.

This trip began with handing out boxes to victims. Moving is easy but to have to pack up all ones possessions and have nowhere to go is an event unthinkable for most.

The next task sent us to a jewelry store to clean out a basement full of rare stones along with gold and silver a plenty. The basement was covered in mud smelling strongly of kerosene. Everything had to go. A business, a family's life and welfare depending on the success of this store wiped away in a matter of hours.

The course of this particular day instilled on me several things that will aid to my success and Penn State and in my life. The first of these is that I am humble I will respect the things I am given this is a characteristic that lends itself to success at college because if one is grateful for everything they have they are much more likely to work for the success they hope to attain. It has also given me one more reason to work as hard as possible. Being in that basement there were people standing around talking while I was helping, I was the first one into the basement and I would have been the last to leave if that's what it took to help this family in need.

Thank you for any help

Undergraduate / 'appreciative for having Paula in my life' - (someone who has made an impact) [3]

You contradict yourself in the last couple lines but given the context that may be ok. And also you should state the characteristics gained from Paula being in your life will help you in college. Good Luck.

Undergraduate / 'while playing soccer in the mud' - Activity essay for Commonapp [2]

The imagery in the first line is good. And the essay has good direction I feel however that you need to add how playing soccer and it giving you leadership will help you be successful in college. The poorly organized inspiration speeches thing is interesting too. It could work but you may want to get another opinion on the word combination of poorly organized. Good luck