therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the dexterity of my uncle's game-play - My common app [7]
Anyone else want to critique it? the more the better!
Anyone else want to critique it? the more the better!
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Northwestern statement-Academics, diversity,and extracurricular [2]
You use the word "great" which could be easily replaced by something better. Your first paragraph is redundant; I mean i see how you're following the whole concluding sentence relates back to the topic sentence, but I think it could end or start with some different. You could also instead of "My passion for the study of medicine has led me..." have my passion to study medicine has led me... Keep it concise and easy to read.
Third Paragraph: many schools have their own med school. Mentioning the date that you visited is unecesary. "I noticed that the buildings' architecture was more contemporary in comparison to other colleges such as University of Chicago." I kind of find this sentence uncessary but if you want to keep it change buildings' architecture sounds redundant/awkward.
Fourth Paragraph: You did research but you just i hope to take advantage of the clubs and what not you really didnt say how or how you are going to impact northwestern. Some colleges have a whole page devoted to "why this college" so maybe northwestern does too.
Overall... the essay is redundant throughout by you saying "its my top choice" admissions will probably figure it out if youre applying ED or EA but even if youre not once or twice in the beginning and end is enough.
You use the word "great" which could be easily replaced by something better. Your first paragraph is redundant; I mean i see how you're following the whole concluding sentence relates back to the topic sentence, but I think it could end or start with some different. You could also instead of "My passion for the study of medicine has led me..." have my passion to study medicine has led me... Keep it concise and easy to read.
Third Paragraph: many schools have their own med school. Mentioning the date that you visited is unecesary. "I noticed that the buildings' architecture was more contemporary in comparison to other colleges such as University of Chicago." I kind of find this sentence uncessary but if you want to keep it change buildings' architecture sounds redundant/awkward.
Fourth Paragraph: You did research but you just i hope to take advantage of the clubs and what not you really didnt say how or how you are going to impact northwestern. Some colleges have a whole page devoted to "why this college" so maybe northwestern does too.
Overall... the essay is redundant throughout by you saying "its my top choice" admissions will probably figure it out if youre applying ED or EA but even if youre not once or twice in the beginning and end is enough.
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "My trip to the museum" University of Virginia supplement- Early Action help [4]
I agree with capriciousprite, your essay has uncessary fluff. You should maybe include some analysis of the painting and relate it to your life. Your essay sounds more like a passage from a novel than an experience that changed you.
I agree with capriciousprite, your essay has uncessary fluff. You should maybe include some analysis of the painting and relate it to your life. Your essay sounds more like a passage from a novel than an experience that changed you.
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the dexterity of my uncle's game-play - My common app [7]
So I just changed it to this:
"I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need to practice against worthy opponents. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamentals of ping pong.
Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests in chemistry, math, and history, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong. "
basically i got rid of the intro to the 4th paragraph b/c i think it was uneccesary and i changed it to fundamentals of ping pong instead of physics b/c i originally meant like how ping pong involves physics
So I just changed it to this:
"I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need to practice against worthy opponents. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamentals of ping pong.
Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests in chemistry, math, and history, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong. "
basically i got rid of the intro to the 4th paragraph b/c i think it was uneccesary and i changed it to fundamentals of ping pong instead of physics b/c i originally meant like how ping pong involves physics
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "UPenn: My Ideal Match" - UPenn Supplement Essay [2]
I'm also applying to UPenn and i thought your essay was overall good, but I think that you didn't talk about what you will contribute as much as the as the aspects of UPenn.
I'm also applying to UPenn and i thought your essay was overall good, but I think that you didn't talk about what you will contribute as much as the as the aspects of UPenn.
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the dexterity of my uncle's game-play - My common app [7]
I originally had it as topic of my choice but I am still unsure. Otherwise it would be: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
I originally had it as topic of my choice but I am still unsure. Otherwise it would be: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "How I Came to Learn Myself" - Common Application Essay [4]
I'm not really an grammer buff but I'm sure the first sentence should have commas instead of semicolons since each of those statements can't be independent clauses. "Developing maturity and work ethic; assuming new responsibilities; and managing an ever-increasing workload; all aspects of high school."
Actually you did it again in the first sentence of your second paragraph
"Entering sophomore year I was continuing along the path I'd been on since middle school, thriving in the popular crowd; the athletes; the indifferent "cool kids."
"the athletes" is not an independent clause
I'm not really an grammer buff but I'm sure the first sentence should have commas instead of semicolons since each of those statements can't be independent clauses. "Developing maturity and work ethic; assuming new responsibilities; and managing an ever-increasing workload; all aspects of high school."
Actually you did it again in the first sentence of your second paragraph
"Entering sophomore year I was continuing along the path I'd been on since middle school, thriving in the popular crowd; the athletes; the indifferent "cool kids."
"the athletes" is not an independent clause
therealhummus
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the dexterity of my uncle's game-play - My common app [7]
So i just wanted to get some quick feedback for my common app essay.
Thanks
Suspended from reality and confined by a realm of concentration, I was completely astonished by the dexterity of my uncle's game-play. The struggle became futile. But the inner spirit of a champion surged through my ten-year old arm into the wooden handle of the paddle, forcing the ball to spin onto the table to the concrete wall. Perhaps this was a coincidence, for I had never held a paddle or served a ping pong ball before. Unfortunately, my luck ceased and I faced defeat. However, this loss became an opportunity for my newly acquired passion to reach the minds of my peers to experience the competitive sport of ping pong.
In order to influence my peers in ping pong, I had to become an expert at the sport. My determination led me to several hours of practice for the next few years into high school. To my surprise, the school did not have a ping pong club. However, this did not stop me.
I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need worthy opponents to practice against. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamental physics of ping pong.
Soon, I started to tutor outside of the club. Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong.
What began as a child's game evolved into the creation of much more than a ping pong club; it became an environment for me to communicate and meet students, allowing me to develop into a diverse and social individual. Although I never passed through the portal of champion-hood to defeat my rival, I will never regret the fact that I was able to convert a group of diverse students into a breed of ping pong champions.
So i just wanted to get some quick feedback for my common app essay.
Thanks
Suspended from reality and confined by a realm of concentration, I was completely astonished by the dexterity of my uncle's game-play. The struggle became futile. But the inner spirit of a champion surged through my ten-year old arm into the wooden handle of the paddle, forcing the ball to spin onto the table to the concrete wall. Perhaps this was a coincidence, for I had never held a paddle or served a ping pong ball before. Unfortunately, my luck ceased and I faced defeat. However, this loss became an opportunity for my newly acquired passion to reach the minds of my peers to experience the competitive sport of ping pong.
In order to influence my peers in ping pong, I had to become an expert at the sport. My determination led me to several hours of practice for the next few years into high school. To my surprise, the school did not have a ping pong club. However, this did not stop me.
I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need worthy opponents to practice against. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamental physics of ping pong.
Soon, I started to tutor outside of the club. Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong.
What began as a child's game evolved into the creation of much more than a ping pong club; it became an environment for me to communicate and meet students, allowing me to develop into a diverse and social individual. Although I never passed through the portal of champion-hood to defeat my rival, I will never regret the fact that I was able to convert a group of diverse students into a breed of ping pong champions.
