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Posts by shtickball
Joined: Oct 30, 2011
Last Post: Nov 27, 2011
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Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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shtickball   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Allied Health Program - Common App essay- Diversity [2]

I dont know why you included the Saudi detail.
you need to explain what your specific tasks would entail since you said you realized it would be a challenging workload. the reader asks why is it challenging.

the paragraph about everyone getting along would be the most out-of-place paragraph.
explain more how the CEO praised you. omit the part about others stumbling through their presentations.
I walked into the emergency room curiously and expectingexpected something exciting to happen.
shtickball   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'like a roller coaster' - the world you come from and how it shaped you. [4]

this essay really lacks focus and you seem to just be rambling, and then adding at the end that you want to be a doctor because your dad said to. unfortunately essays cant be used to mention every single hardship youve ever experienced.

perhaps you should write an essay on just your father. you could detail his illness, his role in how your family sometimes breaks down, his influence on you taking up school commitments, how it affects your studying, and tie it all up with how he made you want to be a doctor. really elaborate on the last part.
shtickball   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Engaged' - Northwestern University Statement (Engineering and Applied Sciences) [2]

first of all its a good idea to split it into paragraphs with different ideas.
the first 65% of the essay doesnt expound on any details that are truly UNIQUE to the school. very insert-school-here writing. it only begins when you start talking about the music program and your visit.

if you visited, then this should be easy to write honestly. elaborate more on how the vibe at northwestern really appeals to you.
start with how you want to learn about other countries, then write about your visit and how you felt about the campus (why is it uplifting), then write about the music program and your passion for it, then write about the engineering school (do research on the school for unique qualities you could mention).
shtickball   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Wildlife and animals' - UC Prompt 1 [5]

As a small child common opening , I would never question my mother when she would bring home a stray animal. She would bring home injured and homeless animals to the house so often that I began regarding them as friends, rather than as temporary pets. Each and everyoneevery one of those animals has impacted my life and my way of thinking. remember to show, not tell The grey tabby with the missing ear whom I affectionately named 'Star' would sit with me on my worn backyard bench and relish in the warm sunshine, watching the blue jays peck at the apple tree. These 'meditation sessions' with Star helped me appreciate the little things in life, to see nature's beauty everywhere. this isn't explained enough for you to say you now see nature's beauty Bella, an orphaned baby house sparrow I helped raise, had a hard time learning how to fly. Yet she would always hop to the edge of my bed and jump off, flap her wings fervently, then fall. This never stopped her from trying, and trying again,again and again until she finally was able to fly circles around my room (much to my annoyance) . I followed Bella's example every time I wouldcould not understand a concept. I would try my best at it, and even if I failed I would rise up and try again.

Not all of the experiences I had with the animals we took in were happy. Too often would I find a litter of kittens outside of my house with runny eyes, and runny noses. At first glance, one would think they had a cold, but in reality they had distemper, a horrible use stronger adjectives , incurable disease that affects cats and dogs, and almost always leads to death. I would take in these kittens regardless, and even though I knew I wouldn't be able to save them, I would give them warm place to sleep and food to eat until the veterinarian would take them to euthanizecome to euthanize them . Every time I witnessed a cat in my neighborhood die because of this epidemicdie from this epidemic , my desire to help these animals became stronger. I want to make a difference in the lives of animals, who are often overlooked because they are not seen as not big enough or important enough. My upbringing surrounded with so much 'wildlife, ' and has made me a compassionate and patient person, with a good understanding of the world around me.

my first suggestion would be to consider focusing on one animal throughout. you might be spreading yourself too thin here. if you do that then you might add more personality to your essay. otherwise your essay is bouncy. if this is your smaller and less important essay, then don't worry all too much.
shtickball   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A virtuoso in teaching' - Commonapp "short answer" essay [5]

You can take out "A virtuoso in teaching?"

"I have spent the past decade of my life not only helping children of ages four to fourteen in my immediate community to realize that they can break free from the traditional mold of failure and poverty but also to imbibe moral virtues which will enable them fit perfectly into society, by helping them in their studies."

should be

I have spent the past decade of my life not only helping children of ages four to fourteen in my immediate community to realize that they can break free from the traditional mold of failure and poverty, but also imbibing moral virtues which will enable them fit perfectly into society --> take out "by helping them in their studies."

"or learn of their high test score or results of evaluations well received" replace with "or learn of their high scores"

"venerate" doesnt fit
shtickball   
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Passion Behind Computers (intended major) [5]

you mention a lot of obvious things about computers. you also need more sentence variation. it goes like this, then this. i see this, a lot. you need to switch it up, now.
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