Undergraduate / 'Focus on business and human resources' - Describe the world you come from [4]

" W hat's on your mind?"
With pressure comes diamonds
With just a high school diploma, he managed to build himself and become one of the most well- known businessmen in our society. How?
After his father's death, he was responsible for taking care of his mother and siblings
Ever since I was a child, my parents
By the time I was fifteen, I had experienced

good start
need a solid conclusion

Undergraduate / 'Unique, quirky, original' - Yale Supplement [6]

i feel your essay is honest and lighthearted
plus, i never would have suspected that "original" is a euphemism for weird
good job!

Undergraduate / 'observing my grandfather an architect' - University of California [2]

good start
you should add stuff like
how did observing your grandfather make you feel

how you pursued your interest in architecture in school

you should work on your conclusive sentence; it's choppy

Essays / Help writing an argument thesis statement / essay on reality tv! [7]

you should write about the effect reality tv has on its viewers
for example, some shows e.g Jersey Shore and the Real Housewives series make people feel good about themselves because the people projected are doing "indecent" things; shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians have the same effect but with "famous" people

other shows, e.g. The Amazing Race and Survivor, fuel a sense of competition given that the contestants are fighting for a grad prize or they appeal to an inner desire e.g. American Idol, having a good singing voice

hoped this helped

Undergraduate / 'waiting to meet you and have fun' - Standford supplement - Letter to future roomate [4]

i get the feeling that you're really eager to meet your new people, which I think is a good quality
you play with the prompt, how you have several nicknames and have entertaining dreams, another plus
Maybe this instead:

We probably won't agree on everything but that is fine because we'll have awesome discussions.

Missing some commas here and there, but i guess that's fine.

Undergraduate / 'I executed my game plan perfectly' - Personal Experience [3]

i like it. you clearly show not only your determination and perseverance but also your courage to fight this guy four times
your hook is simple but strong
your conclusion is good but you could possibly end with something relating to your experience, maybe not why you are a great decision to so-and-so university.

Undergraduate / The internet and my store (UC essay) [3]

i really like your hook. it's nostalgic of childhood.
However, I think you need a better segue from your hook to your high school experience. you mention how power rangers are only for boys and just drop the topic.

plus, i felt, considering your essay as a whole, that your conclusion was choppy, ending with the personality quizzes and articles that weren't mentioned in the essay.

suggestions:
your hook could be ideal if it was experience on purchasing a power ranger toy, similar to you selling your clothes

could mention how, with accordance with "power rangers are for boys," you possibly thought business was for boys and now with your experience, girls can succeed in this profession.

this essay has potential. good luck