Posts by natsheriff

natsheriff

Nov 3, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to experience new cultures and to learn more about people' - Peace Corps app [3]

Hi,

I have some ideas for revising your answers.

I suggest starting with the topic sentence.

I would love to be a Peace Corps Volunteer to experience new cultures and to learn more about how they live and go about on their ways of life and their history of the culture.

I added some puntuation and rewrote some parts of the sentence...
I would love to be a Peace Corps Volunteer, to experience new cultures, and to learn more about their ways of life and the history of their culture.

I also added some punctuation and revisions to this sentence...

This is a opportunity to do what I love to do most being part of a team that actually cares about the people and the world and not just to turn the name around and make a few bucks off of it.

This is an opportunity to do what I love to do most; being part of a team that actually cares about people in the world and not just turning the name around to make a few bucks off of it.

natsheriff

Nov 3, 2011

Writing Feedback / work 3 days a week with long hours VS work 5 days a week with short hours [2]

Hello,

I have some suggestions on re-writing a few of your sentences. I hope this helps!

You can rewrite this sentence:

First off, for resting four days a week people can get more free time.

Here is my suggestion:

First off, individuals gain additional free time with four days off per week.

Here is another sentence you can rewrite:

In conclusion, working three days a week with long hours can bring many advantages than working five days a week, such as more free time, more smooth traffic, and higher employment.

In conclusion, working three days a week with longer hours carries many advantages over the traditional five day work week. These advantages include additional free time, smoother traffic flow, and higher employment.

natsheriff

Nov 3, 2011

Scholarship / Essay on how my Hispanic heritage has influenced my goals- feedback [2]

Hello,

Could you please critique my essay regarding my involvement in extracurricular activities and what lessons I have learned?

I have had the opportunity to participate in several extracurricular activities, but want to highlight a trip I took in March of 2003. As a member of my church I often heard of missionary trips to foreign countries. One particular missionary and his family moved to Sierra Leone, in West Africa. Sierra Leone is recognized as the poorest nation on the earth. The missionary, Alvin Smith, returned to the United States after a brutal civil war ravaged the nation, but left his church in the hands of a local pastor. Pastor Smith never forgot the unfortunate people he encountered and has maintained contact with the Sierra Leonan church throughout the years. Pastor Smith is a member of the congregation I attend and I never tire of listening to his first hand accounts of the people of Sierra Leone. I could not help but be moved by the stories I heard. When I heard of a medical mission taking place in Freetown, Sierra Leone, I did not hesitate to sign up. I do not have a medical background, but I was willing to contribute in any way I could.

I raised the money to pay for my vaccinations and other travel expenses. When well-meaning friends and family expressed their concerns with my traveling to Africa, I politely heard them out, but was determined to set out on the journey. I knew in my heart that any sacrifices I made would be worthwhile. I do admit that I was nervous about making the trip; however, I was fortunate to be joining my friend, who is a nurse. After close to 48 hours of flying and taking a ferry, we arrived in the city of Freetown, Sierra Leone. The next morning we set up the informal clinic in a large open room and our medical team was joined by volunteers from the church in Freetown.

I did not realize how valuable our services were until I witnessed a long line of people waiting to be examined. I was able to assist the pediatrician by comforting the children that came in and offering them a little treat. Many of the children that came were malnourished or suffering from parasites. Our doctors were able to hydrate them or provide them with medicine. I held a malnourished infant in my arms and will never forget the look on his small face. The mission team was only in Sierra Leone for a week, but we served countless individuals. What impacted me most is how medical conditions can progress so far because of the lack of simple or medical care. I am more appreciative of our access to quality medical care in the states. I was able to witness the deep gratitude of the patients we served. I do not ever want to take what I have for granted. The most difficult part of the trip was having to say good-bye to all of my new African friends. I count it a privilege to have been able to travel to West Africa and participate for such a worthy cause.