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Posts by M_Marie
Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Last Post: Nov 14, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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M_Marie   
Nov 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'malicious yet popular food items' - Persuasive Essay- AP Language and Composition [5]

AP Language and Composition Persuasive Essay

I definitely need help with flow in my writing. Is there anything I should fix? I just need someone to read it through and edit it/give me an opinion on what they think of it,

Thanks!

Dripping with grease and packed with calories, the hamburgers and pizza of Canyon Crest's cafeteria glare at you as you walk up the lunch lines. These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria. Kid after kid, table after table, Canyon Crest students are innocently eating these items with absolutely no idea of the unhealthy ingredients they are ingesting. To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror.

Though these seemingly delicious food items hold a high rank in the cafeteria food hierarchy, their intentions are bad. Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered. This monarch gained power through voters: the lunch item consumers. Why would these voters want such a powerful tyrant? What did the dictator have that the voters desired? What they hungered for was the source of the ruler's power: salt, sugar, and fat. Addicting yet detrimental to your health, these three power sources are the chink in the armor of healthy food and what keeps them from gaining the power they need.

We can do it, I tell you, we can do it! The Goliath of cafeteria food can, and will, be conquered. How? Through complete extermination. Oblivious to the deleterious effects of the unhealthy cafeteria food, students blindly consume it. One may say that it's the consumer's choice on what they want to eat; though, it's the supplier's responsibility to provide the consumer with nutritious choices.

With the tough balance of school and a social life, high schoolers already have enough stress in their life, and food should not be one of them. In our society, many people, especially teenagers, struggle with self-image. Striving to look a certain way, teens resort to eating disorders. Starving yourself or forcing yourself to throw up is absolutely not the right way to deal with this. Eating healthy foods make you feel better about yourself, both mentally and physically. The hypocrisy of our school is causing an unmitigated negative effect on our students. We teach them to eat healthy, yet provide them with downright disgusting, unhealthy food. This needs to be solved at once!

Child obesity runs rampant through the United States, and our community is no exception. These kids grow up with junk food at their fingertips and no conception of what healthy eating is. The kids are not to blame. Point the finger at the parents of these now 14 to 17 year olds who have developed awful eating habits. Innocently consuming from the substantial selection of greasy and fatty foods Canyon Crest provides, these students take in unnecessary calories and fat. Also, these eating habits will stay with the rest of their lives unless they fix it. Without a proper example, they won't change their ways. If we provide only healthy foods, this junk food mindset will change and make the students develop a taste for nutritious meals.

Not only would it change their eating habits, but also provide them with greater energy and stamina that only healthy food can produce. The mental stamina that accompanies these healthy meals would result in more attention in classes. No more snoozing students, no more blank stares.

I am also stuck on how to conclude this. Any suggestions?
M_Marie   
Nov 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / Is pollution a concern of the government, the society or the individual? [2]

Besides the almost rhythmic pattern of your sentences, everything looks good. Your content is great. Personally I would mix it up sentence structure wise. Throw some short sentences in there for a dramatic effect so you can emphasize certain points.
M_Marie   
Nov 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'malicious yet popular food items' - Persuasive Essay- AP Language and Composition [5]

Hi!
I just joined this website in hopes of getting some help on this essay. I'm absolutely stuck on it! It's supposed to be VERY pathos-based, as it is not an argument essay (which is more logos-based?) I'm struggling a bit with the emotional aspect of this, and I was wondering if you guys had any tips or revisions you could make on it. I'm not all the way finished but here's what I have so far.

Grease-covered pizza and calorie-packed hamburgers stare you down as you walk up the lunch lines. These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria. Kid after kid, table after table, Canyon Crest students are innocently eating these meals with absolutely no idea of what they're ingesting. To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror.

Though these seemingly delicious food items hold a high rank in the cafeteria food hierarchy, their intentions are bad. Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered. This monarch gained power through voters: the lunch item consumers. Why would these voters want such a powerful tyrant? What did the dictator have that the voters desired? What they hungered for was the source of the ruler's power: salt, sugar, and fat. Addicting yet detrimental to your health, these three power sources are the chink in the armor of healthy food and what keeps them from gaining the power they need.

We can do it, I tell you, we can do it! The Goliath of cafeteria food can, and will, be conquered. How? Through complete extermination. Oblivious to the deleterious effects of the unhealthy cafeteria food, students blindly consume it. One may say that it's the consumer's choice on what they want to eat; though, it's the supplier's responsibility to provide the consumer with nutritious choices.

Obviously I've got a long way to go, but I feel like it's so choppy! Also, I need to think of more reasons why only healthy food should be offered. I've come up with these and the fact that teenagers will always eat what's easily available (aka what the cafeteria is serving), that it's the school's responsibility to not only give an education on the typical "school subjects" but how to eat healthy as well (which healthy cafeteria food would serve as a good example to the students)
M_Marie   
Nov 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / story: rope [4]

Personally, I would play with sentence length a bit more. It would add more drama to your piece. That's just a matter of personal preference though. So other than that, the story is perfect! And if you want to make it more "beautiful", just add more adjectives. Try and describe the scene exactly how you imagine it so that the reader can feel as if they're there themselves
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