Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by marah [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 21, 2011
Last Post: Nov 26, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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marah   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "It's a dangerous place"; UC Common App/ World I come from [13]

This is the best essay i have read today, am sure UC would be lucky to have you, as of the essay, its very will written, and i feel your confusion about the conclusion, it needs more work and finality, however, i think you can cut the first 2 lines of the introduction, and add something shorter and more clear, and instead add those precious 2 lines for the conclusion.

and as a middle eastern myself, i love how you personated the traditions, its adds a flavor to the essay.
at the end of the essay, the lsat two lines, are they with the essay, because i was kind of confused about them ?
marah   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist' - UT, something of importance to you [6]

this an essay for UT Austin Admission and the prompt is: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

i wrote my essay today, i feel shaky about it, can you read it please and give me feedback please!
I Appreciate Your Time and Work ! Thankyou in advance !
My Eassy Is:

The 2011 Nobel peace prize was co-awarded to Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist, politician and human rights activist. Tawakkul was the first Arabic woman to receive a Nobel peace prize, as well the youngest. She is internationally recognized as the public face of the 2011 Yemini uprising, along with a long history of a non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women's rights and full participation in peace-building in Yemen and in the Arab world. As ambitious as she is, she reflected hope and strength for all the Arab women living within the boundaries of oppression and political corruption of the long standing Arab rulers.

As an activist, she struggled against the Yemeni government to make human rights movements in order to promote freedom of opinion, expression, and democratic rights not caring about the threats and temptations she received from the higher authorities. Every time I hear about her and her achievements, my heart pounds with pride, as I immigrated to the United States from the middle-eastern ancestry of Jordan, and to see such a change and commitment, aspires me and all the Arab community across the globe, that women rights aren't over yet, they are just starting. And as I live here in the United States, my freedom and liberty taken for granted, other women are struggling to gain their natural freedom, that once got stolen and never gotten back.

Tawakkul Karman is just the start for a bigger change that will trigger all the oppressed women across the globe to do something bigger and fight for their freedom. My family once immigrated to the United States saw the opportunity of freedom and women rights glimmering, something we didn't see much of. Sometimes when I sit back and think of home, I remember women and the train of thoughts takes me away, when is it going to change? And now I saw the pedal that got the wheel to spinning, Tawakkul Karman. This is not just for the oppressed individuals, but it is for my generation as well. my generation in middle east, with all the people yet waking up to the hypocrisy played against them, will know that the dream of freedom isn't far away, like a dreamy vision of the future, and that it's all in their hands, to act or not to act.

As soon as Tawakkul Karman was awarded the prize, she donated the money for Yemen people, not her country, the local people. In her earlier stages, when she was just at the national level activism, she received countless threats against her, yet she feared nothing. Although she knew that the Yemen Government would be willing to pay her in any form as to stop opening the public's eyes. She knew that she could have it, the money, the perfect life, and all her hidden dreams, yet what were her dreams? Her dreams where the change, to see the women's rights inscribed into reality, not just on paper and witness that with her soul.

Meanwhile, as we are living in liberty and granted our pursuit of Happiness, other nations across the world are in the stages of painting the dream, the freedom of women and liberty. Tawakkul Karman showed them that it can happen and will happen. Moreover, she showed not only them, but the world as well, how someone can care for not just a personal change or upgrade, but an historical one, as she threw life delusions that she was offered and continued to seek the ongoing change, Gandhi once said "we must become the change we want to see in the world". Today, as Tawakkul Karman was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the world was awarded by her never ending Nile of inspiration and ambition.

Any Feedback is Appreciated in Advence!n
marah   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Intended Major..." Cancer and Public Health Major" UC Transfer Essay #1 [2]

the essay is well written, but i have minor notifications.
the introduction drew me lost, its very good in structure, but it try to make it more clear.
in the last line, change " grandmothers" to " grandmother's"
in the end of sixth line, instead of "Her situation led me to want to study public health" try something more creative like, " her situation triggered my curiosity, leading me to the studies of Public Health"
marah   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / My Father Impact on the person i am today [4]

thankyou very much for your suggestions ! they ar every helpful!
i re edited the last paragraph and wrote this:
He showed me a different perspective of life, where dreams are goals within a time line. He opened my eyes to the world, showing me examples of righteousness, honesty and integrity, as well as compassion, justice and equity. He taught me how to become a better daughter, sister, neighbor, citizen, and human being. The way I cope with life situations and hardships, all inspired by him for the creation of the person I am today.

is this better, or does it need to be rephrased again ?
thankyou very much for your feed back !
marah   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / My Father Impact on the person i am today [4]

i am writing an essay for UT-Austin and the prompt is :Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you. my essay is 482 words, but am not sure of it. can you read it and give me a feedback please ?

It is difficult to gauge the impact that all the people in my life have had on me. Yet, as I look back, one person truly stands out. This person has done everything he could to make me a fortunate kid, the opportunity of a better life. For me, he is a legacy. He has taught me the arts of behavior and the ability to deal with my daily affairs. My father has influenced me in everything I know, everything I am. Although he is not here to through a tear away, he never fails to disperse some hope to my most discouraged days.

As a young kid my father hadn't dreamed of much, since his family could barely afford living at the time. Nevertheless, he fought his way through it with nothing but faith and hope staggering over his dilemmas. All in all, he grew up to be the man I look up to, the man who had never let me down when I needed him the most. He inspired me to seek the best of myself, to always work harder to achieve my hidden wishes and hopes, and never give up on my dreams.

I vividly remember when I was a child, I was the first child in the family, which brought a whole lot of attention and admiration that lasted a couple of marvelous years. Throughout the diversity of my dreamy childhood, my father never failed to satisfy the aggressive childish wants I had, however he didn't just give it to me like everybody else. He had his own unique ways to let me learn the value of the toys I had, the candy he gave me, and everything I still have. He nurtured me to the values of earning not taking, and appreciating what I have, at a time where I was in a place to be spoiled forever.

As I grew up, our relation was tied, like that of a pact. My actions came with his encouragements and endless chain of love. His wise talk through my childhood, maybe not understood at the time, became a reference during my ongoing teenage years. As I look back, I can still remember the days he had to stay late at work as to build a college foundation for me. Without him, I wouldn't be the ambitious person I am today, eager to learn and pursue my desires and hopes through higher education.

He showed me a different perspective of life, where dreams are goals within a time line. He opened my eyes to the world, showing me examples of righteousness, honesty and integrity, as well as compassion, justice and equity. The way I behave as a daughter, a sister, a neighbor, a citizen, and a human being. The way I cope with life situations and hardships, all inspired by him for the creation of the person I am today.
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